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/qst/ - Mitsuba Archive


You’re STANLEY PARBLE: a girl with a weird name and an even weirder tale: after a centuries-old lich woke up during your graveyard shift at the GOOD BOY DOGGIE BONE factory, your simple life of janitorial work became a bit more… Complicated.

Sure, you became pals with your now-sentient skeleton (you named him LY) AND gained some nifty super powers from eating MAGICAL BONE MARROW, but that doesn’t change the fact that your hometown of Clearwater, California is overrun by HOMICIDAL SKELETONS Even worse, the guy in charge is dead-set on taking over the rest of the world while he’s at it. Not cool!

Concluding what you will forever refer to as the ‘Worst Field Trip Ever’, you managed to infiltrate the TOP SECRET LAB where your dump-truck-sized stalker TALBOT was created. Fighting your way through an admittedly sparse guard staff thanks to your pal and Magical Goth Podcaster In Residence SYBIL’S eldritch tantrum, you managed to reunite with the rest of your crew and track down the lab’s sole remaining researcher: DR. DENISE VENAAS.

Thankfully she was about as intimidating as a wet napkin which allowed you to glean plenty of juicy gossip from her perpetually-nervous head--chief tidbit among them was the news that the leader of the SKELETON SOLDIERS: GENERAL HAWKES, spirited away an experimental compound from the lab--one that has a nasty habit of dissolving everything BUT bone upon ingestion and contact! Even worse, the psycho plans on pouring every remaining meatbag survivor a cup via the CLEARWATER DAM! And you thought LOS ANGELES water was bad!

Thankfully you’re not alone in your song-worthy crusade--your merry band includes your BFF Sybil, the aloof, yet dependable Good Boy security guard MITZI, the Clearwater U film students-turned looters EDDIE, TUCKER, and KIKI, AND, in a surprising turn of events, the good DOCTOR VENAAS and her imposing creation and your new bodyguard TALBOT, the latter changing sides after you removed the chemical dumbing down his mind and bonding over both being janitors!

After a daring escape from the lab, you, Mitzi, and Sybil came to terms over recent decisions and actions, culminating in a round of punching each other’s stomachs to clear the air--stupid as it sounds, it kinda worked, and you now find yourselves sprawled like old socks all over the back of your van laughing yourselves hoarse.

THIS is where your story continues…
https://youtu.be/_wiwdlu-Zg0
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>>4835907
Welcome to BONES QUEST--putting the FUN in ’FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED’ for more than half a year! Make sure to check out the following resources:

Archive Link to catch up with the story!
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=Bones%20quest

Twitter account for updates!
>https://twitter.com/DemBonez3

Imgur Page for quest and FAN ART!
>https://imgur.com/a/dvF3SCN

A HANDY PASTEBIN for INVENTORY, SKILLS, and MORE:
https://pastebin.com/yANc7fJm

Rolls are handled by a 1d100--I take the BEST OF THREE ROLLS! Certain boosts and maluses will be applied based on the situation and existing skills. Describing your actions, write-ins, and GENERAL CREATIVITY are all APPRECIATED AND REWARDED--we like to keep things LIGHT and CHILL here, so come on in and have some fun!

>CONTD.
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Your chest aches as you use one of the nearby seats to pick yourself up, but not because of your friends’ weak-ass punches--you really can’t remember the last time you laughed that hard!

Steadying yourself against the side of the van, you take a moment to catch your breath as Syb helps Mitzi back to her feet, the latter wiping residual tears from her eyes.

“Told ya.” She grins, brushing the dust off of her pants.

“It certainly was an unorthodox way to end that discussion,” Sybil wheezes, “but I’ll admit it did the trick!”

Waiting until your pals are ready, you give the two of them a nod before kicking open the van doors! Okay, you shout, time to get down to business!

Turns out you didn’t have to shout, though--the doors swing open and reveal your team huddled expectantly around your meeting area wearing nervous looks on their faces. Even Talbot’s back from his impromptu siesta on the forest floor!

“Oh, you’re done!” Observes Eddie, face still obscured by his hoodie-bandana combo! “We er… We didn’t wanna interrupt...”

“Interrupt what?” Syb asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Glad you’re awake again, Sybil.” Tucker answers, glancing off into the treeline. “And erm... Whatever you need to do to prepare for a mission is totally fine with us--right, guys?”

If it’s to preserve the team, there’s no harm in blowing off steam!” Kiki adds as she and Eddie nod. Oh right, she’s got that rhyme thing going on…

Wait a minute, you backpedal, what the heck are they talking about anyways?!

I-I-It’s totally n-normal!” Denise stammers, her face redder than a beet, “H-Historically speaking, many w-warriors would engage in… L-l-lewd acts before a battle…

You, Mitzi, and Syb respond with several different noises, each one roughly equating to the same meaning:

“URK!”
“EERP!”
DUH?!

You weren’t being lewd, you BONEHEADS! You were having a heart-to-heart that ended with Mitzi’s Dumb Jock idea of punching each other in the stomach, you explain!

“Listen, boss,” Eddie interjects, raising his hands in a placating gesture, “We ain’t judging! You guys do what you need to do!”

You look to your pals for support, but both Syb and Mitzi remain frozen in a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. You’re gonna call it ‘conbarrassment’.

Anyways, you continue with a snarl, did they see a pastebin link in the last thread? No! There wasn’t any lewd shit going on, damn it--you probably don’t even swing that way!

“Whatever you say, boss.” Tucker shrugs, tactfully putting the matter to bed. “Whatever you guys were doing, we’re happy you’re all cool again.”

As if you weren’t cool BEFORE!

>CONTD.
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>>4835910
You’re relatively used to being embarrassed nowadays, so your shock quickly runs off of you like water off a duck. Speaking of water, you segue, what’s the status on your location? Anyone know where you are?

While you were gone I climbed a tree, I’ve got a hunch as to where we be!

“Kiki found a few points of interest.” Tucker reports, patting the hooded girl on the back. “The dam’s still a long way’s away to the EAST,” He explains, pointing off into the trees, “but we saw a few other places as well.”

You reward the two with a golf clap--you’re impressed! Couldn’t hurt to take another look with your REMOTE-CONTROLLED DUCK, but you’ll hear what they found first!

“Well naturally there’s the BLUE RIVER,” Tucker begins, “the one that flows through the dam. Not too far away was some kind of OLD SAWMILL.”

“We’re talking OLD!” Eddie interjects, “Like ‘Serial-Killer Hideout’ old--great filming location!”

“Kiki also noticed some kind of SHACK.” Tucker continues, ignoring Eddie’s comment, “Could barely see it through the trees, but it’s something. Looks like it’s right on the water, too.”

Okay, you sigh, tapping your foot as you go through your options, what else?

“Was saving the best for last.” Tucker chuckles before pointing towards the horizon. “Hard to see from here, but squint a bit and look that way.”

Using your handy new eye, you follow Tucker’s finger and follow his directions--the bottom of the night sky peeks through the treeline with a lighter tone than the rest. Looks like daybreak’s coming. Wait a minute--does that mean you’ve stayed up ALL NIGHT!?

“Way ahead of ya.” Mitzi remarks, returning from the van with a handful of TOASTER TARTS and PROTEIN SHAKES. “It ain’t a continental breakfast, but I figured we could use something before hitting the road again. Coffee’ll be ready in a bit.”

Your heart flutters at the mention of coffee, then steadies itself again when you remember what you were talking about. So it’s DAYBREAK--big deal!

“Look HARDER.” Tucker commands, pointing at the spot once more! Groaning and taking a bite from a TOASTER TART, you scan the horizon once more. Just like last time, all you notice is the telltale signs of the sun rising over the greenish light i-

Wait a minute...

>CONTD.
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>>4835912
You blink a few times, but it doesn’t disappear--a green light shimmering above the tops of the trees! Following your eyes, Sybil scooches close to you and examines the phenomenon.

“...THE BARRIER…” She mutters to herself, “We’ve reached it. The one surrounding town!”

“I doubt anyone’s dug through,” Tucker continues, “But it’s there. Might be worth checking out.”

“Sure, if we weren’t already behind schedule.” Mitzi counters, scarfing down a TOASTER TART. “We don’t really have time for multiple trips…”

“She’s right.” Sybil nods, doublefisting breakfast pastries, “Time is of the essence here. Does that fit into your plan from before, Stan?”

Does it? What should you do first?
>Let’s head to the SAWMILL! Might be something useful!
>That SHACK sounds promising! Let’s go!
>The BARRIER might be cool!
>Lemme SCOUT a bit first with DUCKIE.
>Hold on, gotta make a CALL (Call WHO?)
>WRITE-IN
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>>4835913
>Hold on, gotta make a CALL (Call WHO?)
Who we gonna call?
HAULIE PAULIE

Also we should tune in to the Good Boy channel and give them a quick update, if we can do both. Keep Talbot and Denise on the down low for now, but mention what might be happening at the dam, what we plan to do, and what we found out with Goodboynium etc

...and then maybe check out the shack, they might have a boat or fishing stuff or other fun water related items since it's by the river!
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>>4835931
>Make a Call!

Gonna start with this! Writing!
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It does, you reply, but before you head anywhere you’re gonna make a call or two on the ole’ radio! Fishing it out from your spacious coverall pockets, you tune the device to CHANNEL 10 for the Master of Mercantile, Haulie Paulie! Depressing the transmit button, you whisper a few quick salutations into the radio as Syb starts explaining what you discussed to the others. It only takes a second or two before the speakers crackle with the skeleton greaser’s familiar boisterous voice!

https://youtu.be/JenMS9t4byE

“Theeeeere’s my favorite little lady!” Paulie croons as cheers ring out in the background! “KNOCK HIS TEETH OUT, REMY! ...Sorry about dat’, kid--what’s new?”

You shrug, then realize he can’t see you doing it. Not much--just planning another operation. How’s he holding up?

“Death has never been better, baby--never been better! Some of da’ guys wanted to blow off steam, so we’re runnin’ a few quick fights up here at da’ DRIVE-IN. Too bad you ain’t here--you an’ I’d be rich by now!”

The crackly voice is interrupted by the sound of something impacting against someone, followed by a chorus of cheers and boos!

“Oh for cryin’ out… Anywho, we picked up da’ goods from that gas station--figure I’d credit ya’ 20 PONGOS for da’ find. Nice haul!”

You giggle--not a problem! You were kinda hoping to use a few of those, actually--you’re probably gonna need some goods for this next operation.

“No kiddin’? Who’s da’ mark dis’--wait, don’t tell me. Plausible deniability an’ all dat’, right?”

Sure, whatever that means. Can he deliver some hardware?

“Da’ hell ya’ think I got da’ ‘Haulie’ in front of my name for? You got a shippin’ address?”

You quietly scan the trees around you… Err, not really? You’re near the DAM.

“I thought as much!” Paulie chuckles! “We felt dose' fireworks all da' way over here! I’m guessing ya’ didn’t leave anything lyin’ around, huh?”

Your eyes lock with the towering inferno to the west and the massive plume of smoke adding to the already smoke-choked sky. How the hell did you miss that?

“You’ll dig this: da’ big man called up Cliffy not too long ago, right? Guy was blowin’ his top like Krakatoa or somethin’! Anyways,” Paulie gabs excitedly, “He started throwin’ questions at Cliff--stuff like ‘Why didn’t you cut the janitor off?’ and ‘Where did they go in the forest?’ So Cliff just takes a deep breath an’ answers: “Sorry, boss, I thought HAWKES had dat’ under control!’ HAH! Can you believe it?!”

You can’t help but grin a bit--you can almost picture it now: Cliff leaning back against a wall somewhere, cigarette in his mouth--cool as a cucumber as he chats up that dickhead Lich, TIM!

Man, you miss those guys…

>CONTD.
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>>4836094
“Anyways, glad ta’ hear you’re still breathin’. Got two slices of bad news for ya, though--which do you wanna hear first?” Paulie continues, his voice growing serious.

You uh… You’ll go with the bad news?

“Bad news is that it’ll take a while for any of us ta’ head up near Ground Zero--roads up there are more suited for those cowpoke types and their horses, dig? Even worse, Hawkes has cordoned da’ whole area off--it’d take some doin’ ta’ get a truck of goodies up to ya when da’ toy soldiers are out in force…”

You sigh--the news isn’t exactly a surprise, but it certainly doesn’t make things easier. He really can’t get you anything?

“Not soon, dat’s for sure. Can you wait for an hour or two?”

You almost say yes, but a stern look from Syb as she shakes her head ‘no’ causes you to reconsider. She’s probably right--by the time Paulie’s people tracked you down, Hawkes could potentially poison the whole state. Bummer!

“Don’t feel glum, chum--Paulie’s got good news too!” The skeleton replies. “I think I’ve got a GENERAL INVENTORY for ya now--I still do SPECIAL REQUESTS, of course, but dat’s on a case-by-case basis. Wanna hear what I’ve got?”

DO you?! You’re not exactly a shopaholic, but you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested in hearing what he has!

“Plan for da’ future, dat’s what I always say! Anywho, lemme tell ya what’s on da’ menu!”

https://pastebin.com/qsJP0qXG

“Remember, da’ list is always changin’! In any case, you sure you can’t wait around?”

You look pleadingly at Syb, who responds by rolling her eyes, then impatiently tapping her wrist. H-how many syllables?

Oh. She’s talking about time. Gotcha.

Looks like it’s up to you....
>NOTHING FOR NOW, thanks!
>NOT NOW, but DO YOU HAVE ANY (WRITE-IN)?
>I WANT (WRITE-IN)--deliver it to (SAWMILL, NEAR DAM, SOMEWHERE ELSE)
>WRITE-IN
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>>4836101

>Nothing for now, thanks!

Not sure if my ip but I get a forbidden #403
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>>4836101
Says the pastebin is private or pending moderation. Did you set it to public?
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>>4836120

To clarify, your paste is either private or pending.
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>>4836120
>>4836121
>>4836122
D'OH! Should work now! Thanks for the heads up!
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>>4836101
>NOTHING FOR NOW, thanks!
Looking at the list, Illegal Duck Parts could be real fuckin fun. The others on my list are the skill up books, and maybe the roller skates at some point. The coveralls are definitely a stretch goal that would be awesome to get, but we would need to do some kinda big sidequest to get that kinda cash.
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>>4836127
Agreeing with all this, but clearly we need to spring for the bunny suit. How else are we gonna get a boyfriend?

>NOT NOW, but DO YOU HAVE ANY (WRITE-IN)?

Cell phones- we so desperately need a new one. Or maybe a cell phone repair kit. Otherwise tho I agree we don't need to buy anything yet and can move on.
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>>4836101
Here's a bit of fantart from my Fiance
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>>4836120
>>4836127
>>4836141
>Nothing for now, thanks! Except for a CELL PHONE/REPAIR KIT

>>4836189
First of all, congrats on the engagement! Second of all, tell your fiancé they know how to doodle! Love the added coin and all the detail in the pompadour! Amazing stuff!

Writing!
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Your thoughts linger on several of the items Paulie describes--you’re not sure how the hell he scrounged them up, but one thing’s for sure: you’re definitely looking out for more PONGOS! Nice of him to credit you with 20 after finding that stuff at the ZOOM MART! Still, though, the look Syb’s giving you tells you that you might not wanna bite on any offer just yet…

CORRECT!

You scoff--fine, no items for HER! You’re not even gonna tell her about that outfit either. That’ll show her.

“You say somethin’, baby?” Paulie crackles. You shake your head, then remember that he can’t see you! No, you reply, you’re good for now, but you’ll keep his stock in the back of your mind!

“You break my heart, baby.” Sighs the skeleton. “Just kiddin’! You let me know if you have any other stuff in mind--otherwise don’t forget about the PARTY FAVORS for da’ housewarming!”

Way ahead of ya, you grin. Pulling out your COMPANY-ISSUED BLACKBERRY, you bite your tongue in concentration as you jot down your current TO-DO LIST in a new note file!

https://pastebin.com/xPHrTzWh

Satisfied, you nod to yourself before you ask one more question to Paulie--he doesn’t happen to have any CELL PHONES OR CELL PHONE REPAIR KITS, does he?

“Oh yea, I’ve seen a few of those things around! Wild stuff! None of ‘em seem ta’ be working because of that BARRIER, but I can definitely track down a toolkit for one in da’ near future! Probably run ya about… Carry the zero… 15 PONGOS!

You frown--that’s HIGHWAY ROBBERY, Haulie Paulie.

“Hey, you can’t put a price tag on quality service--besides, you might just find one yourself, right? Just keep it in mind!”

You feel an aura of unease and general stress overtake you. Glancing behind you you find yourself staring at some wretched creature that used to be human!

I-I-I c-can pr-pr-
Oh wait, it’s just Denise. What the hell does she want? You’re on the RADIO!

I-I-I can fix it!” She squeaks as a new layer of sweat forms on her forehead! “W-w-with the right tools, of course! N-no charge! Ha ha!

Charge, you scoff, if anything she owes you for messing with Talbot and almost getting you all killed trying to track her down!

J-j-just a joke!

Dang it, you’re on the RADIO! SHUSH!

>CONTD.
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>>4836344
The crackling over the radio intensifies as you hear the shouting resume in the background.

“Alright, baby, I’ll have a few of those things in stock for ya’ by the time you come back from your nature walk, dig? Now if there’s nothin’ else, I’ve got some bets ta’ place…”

You shake your head--nope, that’s it! Tell The Trio you say hey!

“Course I will--dat’s on da’ house!” Paulie chuckles! “Catch ya’ later, kid. See ya’ in da’ funny papers.”

With that the line goes dead. You mutter a few ‘OVER AND OUT’s just to be sure, then turn your attention to your pals.

“It’s unfortunate that we can’t peruse his wares,” Sybil sighs, “But we really don’t have time to waste…”

“Guess we’ll have ta’ wait until we head back into town,” Mitzi shrugs, “or someone invents a teleporter.”

N-n-not trying THAT again, thank you!” Denise mumbles, shivering head to toe! “Th-those poor lab monkeys…

Not picking up THAT particular thread, you flick the radio’s knob to CHANNEL 2, much to Syb’s chagrin!

“Stan,” She huffs, “we don’t have time to fiddle around with the radio--we’ve got to go to the dam!”

You have enough time to warn them about what he’s planning! You’ve gotta report on some of the current events, at least! Hearing your reasoning, the goth shrinks back a little bit with an embarrassed look on her face.

“Oh… That’s not a bad idea actually. Sorry…”

See? You’re not just a PRETTY FACE! Shooting one last smug look her way, you repeat the previous ritual and greet whoever’s on the other line a few times! Moments later, an unfamiliar, robotic voice greets you through the speaker!

Hello, Stanley. Password, please.

You freeze up as if someone stuck a finger up your nose! PASSWORD!? They didn’t give you a password!

Did they?

“Think we had it written down…” Ly mutters, clearly pondering it as well, “I was still comin’ back from bein’ sealed for dat’ meeting wit’ da’ CEO. Pretty sure it was somethin’ along da’ lines of ‘The Tower is…’”

Aaaand that’s where he stops. No worries, Ly--you’ll remember it using your FEMININE INTUITION!

“... We’re dead.”

Nonsense! The password was obviously:
>The Tower is Tipping!
>The Tower is Falling!
>The Tower is Fading!
>The Tower is...Mumble the rest.
>Start CRYING! You got out of a ticket once! And almost got out of a security guard beating!
>WRITE-IN
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>>4836348
>The Tower is Falling!
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>>4836381
>The Tower is Falling!
Writing!
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FALLING! It was falling, you repeat with a smile! Hey, you can remember shit again! Maybe you’ll be able to remember the…

The um…

You can remember the…

Damn it!

The radio sits quietly as you shake your fist in frustration. Returning to the present, you press the transmit button down and repeat the password: The Tower is Falling!

The radio remains quiet. Does this dick want you to repeat it again!? The Tower-

Thank you, Stanley--you are cleared to report your status.” You blink at the interruption--you’re not talking to a ROBOT, are you? Is this the guy you fought earlier?!

Due to the possibility of a traitor in the organization, I have been instructed to modulate my voice. In future transmissions I will respond with the phrase ‘Falling Glass Can Cut.’ Please commit this to memory.

Easy-peasy, you reply with a smirk! You’ve already memorized it: ‘Falling…’

...Glass Can Cut.’ The voice concludes. “Please proceed with your report.

Hold on, you mutter, frantically mashing the buttons on your COMPANY-ISSUED BLACKBERRY! You’ve just gotta type in the last bit… Boom! Stowing the device for later use, you lean against a nearby tree as Mitzi distributes a steaming cup of coffee to everyone, starting with YOU! Grinning from ear to ear, you raise your mug in a salute as she smiles back and continues her task.

It’s been a while since you’ve had some honest-to-god COFFEE! Taking a deep whiff of the intoxicating aroma, you feel a satisfied smile settle on your face… Once this is all done you’re gonna treat yourself to your favorite:

>BLACK COFFEE! Black as midnight on a moonless night!
>EXTRA CREAM, EXTRA SUGAR! Who says you’re sweet enough?
>CINNAMON and SUGAR! Gotta SPICE UP your mornings, you know?
>SPRINKLES, WHIPPED CREAM, HONEY, and SYRUP! Dear god, what is wrong with you?
>WRITE-IN

Last update of the night--got work early tomorrow! I should be ready for another update around THURSDAY 5-6PM PST! Thanks again for playing and sticking around for part 8--hope to see you all next time!
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>>4836556
>>CINNAMON and SUGAR! Gotta SPICE UP your mornings, you know?
>>
>>4836344
>-Get Art a birthday gift!
Why must you hurt me in this way?

>>4836101
>SPRINKLES, WHIPPED CREAM, HONEY, and SYRUP! Dear god, what is wrong with you?
>>
>>4836556
>SPRINKLES, WHIPPED CREAM, HONEY, and SYRUP! Dear god, what is wrong with you?

>>4836628
>Remembering we never even got him a birthday present

Feel like shit, just want him back
>>
>>4836556
>SPRINKLES, WHIPPED CREAM, HONEY, and SYRUP! Dear god, what is wrong with you?
>>
>>4836582
>Cinnamon and sugar!

>>4836628
>>4836962
>>4837953
>This is why god doesn't talk to us anymore

Writing!
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Your whole body twitches erratically at the thought of it--maple syrup and honey for that smooth consistency, whipped cream for flavor, and finally two or twelve good shakes from the sprinkles container for that sweet, sweet crunch!

Man, your heart’s aching just thinking about it!

“I was gonna talk ta’ ya’ about dat’, actually,” Ly interrupts, “Heart’s been workin’ way too hard an-”

Yep, you sigh, can’t go wrong with a good cup of coffee! Bringing the mug Mitzi gave you to your lips, you start to organize what you’re gonna report on in y-

AAAAAH! HOT!!!

The whole camp looks at you with concern as you try and fail to blow on your tongue to cool it down--this stuff’s practically LAVA!

“It just came out of the pot, dude.” Mitzi explains, handing another mug to Syb. See, this is why you like YOUR way!

Are you still there, Stanley?” The voice coming from the radio yanks you away from your current crisis and back to reality--right, you were gonna report! Taking another, more CAREFUL sip from your mug, your agony abruptly warps into bliss--this coffee… It’s DELICIOUS!

Locking eyes with Mitzi across the clearing, you watch as she mouths the word ‘MARSHMALLOWS’ and shoots you a conspiratorial wink!

This bitch. This bitch right here.

Giving her a thumbs up, you turn your attention again to the radio, then pause--how do you even make a report? What do you say, exactly? Do you wanna tell whoever this is everything, or should you leave out a few deets?

>Report EVERYTHING.: THE DAM SITCH, ART’S DEATH, TALBOT and DENISE, the whole nine yards!
>Leave out a few details. Report EVERYTHING BUT (WRITE-IN)
>Ask the operator how their day is--twist the report onto THEM!
>WRITE-IN
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>>4838157
>Report EVERYTHING.: THE DAM SITCH, ART’S DEATH, TALBOT and DENISE, the whole nine yards!
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>>4838197
>EVERYTHIIIIIIIIIIING
Writing!
>>
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Screw it--they want a report? You’ll GIVE THEM a report! Taking another sip from your mug, you give your listener the whole enchilada--your trip up to the REDWOOD PRESERVE, your run-in with the looters at the gas station, your encounter at the CLEARWATER U RESEARCH OUTPOST... Your words begin to stumble as you explain Art’s fate, and by the time you reach the part with that final grenade explosion you find yourself trembling… What’s with this coffee anyways?!

... I see.” You wait for the voice to add on to their statement, but nothing comes save for radio silence. That’s IT?!

... We’re very sorry for your loss. Officer Berry’s emergency contacts will be notified when outside communications resume. Was there more?

Emergency contacts, you hiss! Art was a goddamn SUPERSTAR and that’s all they have to say!? Just another paycheck for HR to process, huh? Typical suits!

... Forgive us, but he’s not the only employee that’s been lost in the past few days. Please continue.

Tch… Fine, you were getting tired of this conversation anyways! You’ll cut it short, then--you blew up their mad science lab and have Denise and their little pet project on your side now! They can tell Blumenkrantz or Sonny or whoever the hell’s running the show that you’re gonna have a fireside chat about that hellhole! They gonna contact Talbot’s next of kin as well!?

... Noted.” The voice drones. “Was that all?

The angry part of you wants to withhold the last bit of information you have, but then you remember the people holed up in Good Boy’s little prairie dog town--they didn’t ask for this crap....

Yea, you sigh, there’s something big happening at the dam: they plan on poisoning the water supply with something nasty!

The Lodge’s filtration systems should be adequate-

Adequate this: they’re gonna pump the water full of EVERYTHING BUT BONE-DISSOLVING JUICE! Turns out that crap was made in their lab too!

You hear the faint sound of papers rustling in the background--bet that got ‘em a little worried!

... Can you stop it?” The voice responds with a hint of urgency! You shrug--you were planning on it, yea.

We will dispatch operatives to divert forces around the dam--good luck.

That takes you by surprise--does this mean working with your employers can actually help? Weird!

If there’s nothing else, we look forward to your next report. Over and out.

WOAH WOAH WOAH! Anything else before they hang up on you? Or whatever the term is for radios?

>NOPE! BYE!
>How’s THE LODGE?
>Any word on the OUTSIDE WORLD?
>Do I KNOW YOU?
>WRITE-IN
>>
Sorry folks, but I'm gonna have to update later--falling asleep in my chair over here! Should be ready to update around FRIDAY around 5-6PM PST! Sorry for the sparse updates--hope to pick things up again in the next few weeks.
>>
>>4838462
>NOPE! BYE!
>>
>>4838462
>NOPE! BYE!
this guy should be fired, hes not even funny!
>>
>>4838462
>NOPE! BYE!
Lets hustle
>>
>>4838462
>NOPE! BYE!
>>
>>4838626
>>4838732
>>4838758
>>4839254
>BYE!

Writing!
>>
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You stuff the radio back into your pocket without even giving the operator one last bit of snark! Hey, does this mean you’re maturing? You take another sip from your marshmallow-stuffed coffee and shrug--stranger things have happened in the past few days!

“So,” Sybil asks, sidling up next to you, “Did you gain any useful information?”

Yea, you huff, that operator’s a total dick--no way they can program a robot to be THAT nasty! Sounds like they’ll be sending some people to distract the skeletons around the dam, though, so there’s that.

“Excellent--we’ll need all the advantages we can get for… Well…” The goth shoots you a sideways glance, “What exactly IS the plan, anyways?”

The rest of the group approaches, clearly eager to hear the next step. Well, you begin, first thing’s first: we’ve gotta GO somewhere! Your team visibly deflates.

“Couldn’t we have done that while you were on the radio?” Tucker asks, finishing his cup of coffee.

No way! You’re not talking on the radio while you’re DRIVING! That’s DANGEROUS!

“I mean… I’m still cool to drive!” Eddie interjects with a good-natured grin underneath his bandana! You frown--whatever! Doesn’t matter if you’re driving or not--you don’t drive when calling Haulie Paulie! It’s RUDE!

“... And our Good Boy contact?” Sybil asks as she crosses her arms.

Screw them! In any case, you’ve gotta pick a destination now--the question is… WHERE?

“If we’re lucky that shack might have a boat or something…” Eddie thinks out loud. “My uncle’s cabin has a skiff or two--maybe this has a raft or something.”

“Otherwise our best bet might be that SAWMILL...” Tucker sighs. “I don’t expect much, but when life gives you lemons…”

You look expectantly towards Syb, who quickly breaks under your dead stare! “WHAT?!” She hisses, raising a pierced eyebrow your way!

You just thought she was gonna bring up THE BARRIER. People always chime in right before you make a decision, after all!

“While I wouldn’t mind investigating it further, I can’t say with certainty that we’ll find much to help us with our current predicament…” Sybil pouts. “Though one can never know for certain…”

Looks like you have a few options. The question is, where to?
>The SHACK!
>The SAWMILL!
>The BARRIER EDGE!
>Perhaps the DUCK can see something else!
>WRITE-IN!
>>
>>4840405
>The SHACK!
Boat time
>>
>>4840405
>>The SHACK!
>>
>>4840405
>The SHACK!
>>
>>4840405
>The SHACK!
Lets shack it up at first, but keep that duck ready.
>>
>>4840412
>>4840460
>>4840463
>>4840517
>Attack the Shack!

Writing!
>>
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You carefully weigh your friend’s words and your options… When you think about it, there’s really only one way to go!

“Da’ SHACK!” Ly exclaims!

… Oh yea, that’s a much better idea than what you had! Repeating Ly’s words for the goons that can’t hear them, your decision is met with a chorus of noncommittal grunts… Guess that’s as good as you’re gonna get!

“You guys hop in the back--ole’ Eddie’ll get ya there no problem!” Eddie boasts as he opens the back of the van in a gentlemanly fashion. Surveying the trees surrounding the clearing, Tucker gives you a confident nod as you step into the back.

“It didn’t look too far from what Kiki mentioned, but we should get out and walk once we’re almost there--no telling what’s waiting for us.”

Here’s what’s waiting for THEM, you chuckle as you quickdraw your CHINCHILL PUMP-ACTION! You manage to get a few laughs out of Tucker until you try spinning the weapon in your hand, prompting him to gently push you towards a seat and shut the doors. Taking a spot next to Syb, you lean against the wall of the van as it roars to life--then JERK upright as a realization hits you--TALBOT! You left him in th-

The rapping of a massive set of knuckles against the van puts your mind at ease--guess the guy’s keeping pace! The air around you grows humid as the gnarled form of Dr. Venaas slinks over with a nervous grin on her face.

As if she had any other kind…

Nyeeheehee! Th-that’s all b-by design! T-Talbie can keep pace wi-with most l-large vehicles, if need be… He’s quite the runner!

Your nose wrinkles in response--what DIDN’T they alter on the guy? You bet when Talbot was human he friggin’ HATED running!

H-he did ride that fl-floor buffer around quite a bit…” Denise mutters, wiping the condensation from her massive glasses. “S-since we’ll be near water, though, I th-thought it would be important to mention: Talbie can’t exactly swim…

There goes the BEACH EPISODE! What happens if he drowns, huh?

Err… N-no dr-drowning!” She replies, teeth chattering in an uneasy grin! “T-Talbie doesn’t really br-breathe anymore… He’ll j-just walk on the bottom... ” The scientist pauses to frown. “... Pressure might still be an issue, however--perhaps if we were to-

You roll your eyes dramatically and let out a drawn-out groan--can she NERD TALK next to Mitzi or Kiki or something? You’re trying to get hyped for the operation!

Quietly apologizing, the doctor slinks over to a seat next to Mitzi, much to the guard’s chagrin. Guess you’ve got a little time before you get to… [i[]Wherever you’re going. What do?

>Talk to someone! (Kiki, Mitzi, Sybil, Tucker, Eddie, Denise, Ly)
>Fiddle with an item (WHICH ITEM?)
>Rest your eyes a bit!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4840644
>Talk to someone! (Denise)
"You said you could fix my phone, nerd?"
>>
>>4840657
+1
>>
>>4840657
+2
Call Geek Squad
>>
>>4840657
>>4840674
>>4840677
>Troubleshoot the phone!

Writing!
>>
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The annoyed look on your face quickly fades as a thought rolls into the dusty frontier town that is your mind. Fishing your phone out of your coverall pockets, you fiddle with it for a moment or so and sigh--nope, aimlessly pressing the buttons still won’t do the trick!

That’s when another thought rolls into town! Snapping to get Denise’s attention, you wave her back over to your end of the van, eliciting a silent ‘Thank you’ from Mitzi as she returns to her issue of Swimsuit Digest.

...Wait a minute--that’s not the one she usually rea-

Y-yes, Stan?” Denise interrupts, an eager smile back on her face! You respond by tapping your finger a few times on your phone with a disgruntled look on your face--your phone got dipped--now it isn’t working. Didn’t she mention she could fix it with the right tools?

E-er… Yes! I did, didn’t I?” Gingerly taking the phone from your hands, the scientist pours over the device with interest, starting with the PIZZAMAN phone charm dangling from the side! “C-cute… Erm, I-It went in th-the water, you say?

Yep, you mutter in a slightly embarrassed tone, it got a little wet when you escaped the DOG BONE FACTORY through a runoff drain. Denise takes a whiff and nods with a sour look on her face.

Yep… Sm-smells like it… W-Were these cr-cracks here before as well?” Following her finger to the spiderweb of cracks on your phone’s screen, you shrug--who can say? Point is the dang thing worked before you hopped in the water! Can she fix it? It recently occurred to you that your $500 Cheque might not cover a new phone these days…

L-leave it to me!” Denise replies with a confident salute! “It’s the l-least I can do for you given the circumstances! Th-though it might take a while. I’ll have to start b-by removing the battery and checking for d-damaged compon-

Not willing to sit through another TECHSPLANATION, you graciously hand her the van’s TOOL KIT-- hopefully it can do the job right! Denise deflates a bit as she studies the tool box.

I-It’s n-not the best situation, b-but I’ll try!

You’ve gotta admit--despite all of her flaws, you kinda admire her spirit! Patting her on her sweaty head, you give her a genuine ‘Thank You’--she’d really be doing you a solid!

”O-OF COURSE!” The scientist replies, beads of sweat raining from her grinning face, “A-Anything to make up for what I put you through! O-one day we’ll be even--you’ll see!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4840707
Leaving her to fiddle with your waterlogged phone, you turn to find Syb giving you an amused look. The hell’s SHE got to say?

“Nothing! Nothing at all!” She replies with a smile. “Why don’t you rest your eyes a bit? You’ll need your strength whe-”

Syb is interrupted as the van lurches to a sudden halt, sending you, Kiki, Mitzi, and Denise flying across the back of the van! Landing in a heap next to the RIP KORD CUTOUT, your landing is followed by Tucker’s quiet voice.

“We’re close. Time to walk quietly.”

The back of the van creaks open, revealing Talbot’s glowing red eye. Helping each of you down from the van, your group reconvenes at the head of what appears to be a dirt path.

“You take the lead, boss!” Eddie whispers, “We gonna sneak up, or go GUNS BLAZIN’?

“Can’t scout it from here,” Ly mutters, “Gotta get a little closer first!”

What’s the plan?
>Just follow the PATH--you’re wasting time!
>Approach QUIETLY from the WOODS!
>Send someone as a DISTRACTION! (Who?)
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4840711
Sorry for the cliffhanger, but that's gonna be my last update of the evening! Good news is that I should have some updates for ya' SATURDAY AROUND 9-10AM PST! Thanks for playing along and thanks to anyone who dropped in for the first time--always excited to see new blood! Hope to see you then--otherwise have a good weekend!
>>
>>4840711
>Approach QUIETLY from the WOODS!
>>
>>4840711
>Approach QUIETLY from the WOODS!
>>
>>4840711
>Send someone as a DISTRACTION! (Who?)
Talbot
>>
>>4840715
>>4840718
>Through the Woods!

>>4840758
>Send TALBOT!

Looks like we're being SNEAKY! Roll me 1d100 to see just how sneaky your band of idiots is--I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 14 (1d100)

>>4841458
Crouch walking like in a video game
>>
Rolled 68 (1d100)

>>4841458
>>
Rolled 45 (1d100)

>>4841458
>>
>>4841462
>>4841468
>>4841473
>Highest Roll: 68

Speedy! Writing!
>>
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Raising a finger to your lips, you motion for everyone to follow you and slink into the leafy underbrush bordering the trail. You get a few feet in before turning around to check on your crew only to find that they’re standing where you left them by the van. What the HELL, guys?!

“That’s uh… That’s Poison Ivy Central, Stan.” Mitzi whispers, pointing to the mass of three-leaved bushes inches away from you. Sidestepping the patch, you gesture again for your team to follow. Thankfully they do, and before long you’re creeping through the woods like a flock of axe-murderers. Even Talbot and Denise manage to be relatively stealthy--the former carrying the latter at his side like a ladder.

Several moments of crouch-walking later, your ears pick up several familiar sounds: flowing water and crackling wood. Not about to blow your cover just yet, you motion for Ly to go scout it out, then motion for everyone else to stop when they thought you were motioning to them. This is tough!

It only takes a minute for your skeleton’s ASTRAL PROJECTION to return, and the look on his face tells you all you need to know.

“Soldiers, cupcake--about three of ‘em. They’re all around a campfire near da’ front.”

D’oh! You knew it--you just knew it! You can’t go anywhere anymore without there being friggin’ skeletons! Hearing the S WORD, Talbot’s eye glows bright red!

Easy, big fella, you hiss, you’re gonna do this quietly!

Ushering your team forward, you emerge from the trees like ghosts and make for the back of the medium-sized shack and prepare to attack! Stacking up against its shaky back wall, you jerk away as the whole structure quakes from your touch! Close one!

“Bet harsh language would knock dis’ thing down…” Ly hisses. Hearing the telltale sounds of a conversation around the corner, you motion for everyone to hush, then crane your ear in the direction of the voices!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4841629
“I’m just sayin’ it couldn’t hurt to restructure a little.” Says what you presume to be one of the SKELETON SOLDIERS around the corner. “The guy’s clearly unstable.”

“Guy’s a war hero, right? You’d have to be missin’ a few marbles for that.” Replies another.

“Ancient history, man--that’s only half the story. Hawkes is a lot of things, but he ain’t a hero.”

Venturing a peek around the corner, you lay eyes on three skeletons sitting around a hasty campfire, their weapons leaning against their seats. Not too far away sits a rickety dock where a small DINGHY sits!

“Come on--the end of the Pacific Campaign? Korea? That’s a resume right there any you know it.” Counters the skeleton closest to you as he pokes the flames a bit with a stick.

“You’re forgetting the part where he wanted to Firebomb San Fran.” Chuckles the original speaker. “‘Communist Rat Den,’ he called it.”

“No SHIT!” Replies the other, dropping his stick. “Didn’t happen though, did it?” The other skeleton shakes his head.

“Barely. Hawkes was on the horn when MPs stormed the command center. Broke a guy’s neck with his bare hands before they took him down.”

The other skeleton shifts in his seat a bit. “... And how the hell do you know all this, anyways?”

“I was there deliverin’ mail. Never seen nothin’ like it. Brass didn’t want the word to get out about what he was planning, so they called it a suicide and gave him all the bells and whistles. ‘Too much stress’, I think they said.”

“Christ…” The other skeleton breathes, kicking the stick away. “That uh… That makes a lot of sense, actually.”

“Yep. I figure once he gets iced we’ll just put someone better in charge--someone with a bit more… Subtlety, you know?”

The skeletons pause for a moment to think about it.

“... But someone who still wants to kill all humans, right?”

“Oh, definitely.”

“It IS pretty nice to be back, all things considered. Heard a bunch of guys got mixed up when they sent bodies home from abroad.”

“Fuck that, man--can you imagine being buried in butt-fuck France or something? No way.”

“Y-ya…” Mumbles the third, quieter skeleton, “Zat sounds awful...”

“Oh, right… Sorry, Fritz.”

As if on cue, you hear a twig cracking to your left! The three soldiers spring from their seats and raise their weapons!

“WHO GOES THERE?!”

OH CRAP! What do you do!?
>ATTACK! You’ve got the advantage!
>DISTRACT! Send someone out--they don’t know how many of you there are.
>STAY QUIET! They probably didn’t see you yet!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4841648
>STAY QUIET! They probably didn’t see you yet!
Must be the wind.
>>
>>4841648
>STAY QUIET! They probably didn’t see you yet!
Damn you for making all the skeletons so likeable! My instinct is to recruit but I know we shouldn't
>>
>>4841648
>STAY QUIET! They probably didn’t see you yet!
>>
>>4841719
>>4841754
>>4841762
>.... (Stay quiet!)

Writing!
>>
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Seeing your crew prepare to light the boneheads up, your hand darts into the air and motions them to COOL IT! They don’t know where you are yet!

… Right?

“Come on out, shitheads!” Orders one of the soldiers as he approaches your position! “NOW, damn it! Fritz is a loose-cannon!”

The clanking of some sort of metal canister tells you all you need to know--the foreign-sounding skeleton from before lurches into view wearing what looks like some kind of INFLAMMABLE SUIT and a CANISTER ON HIS BACK!

...Wait, does inflammable still mean flammable? You think you saw that on a cleaning agent label befor-

Oh right, imminent doom. As the soldiers approach your position, you hold up three fingers on your hand… Then lower one.

And another.

An-

“Alright, soldier boy, ya got us.” Grunts an unfamiliar voice from the trees to your left! Freezing in place like you all entered a ’Deer In the Headlights Contest’, your gang watches as two shadows emerge from the still-shadowy gaps in the trees.

Shadows that…. Whinny?

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4841877
https://youtu.be/w81qXX2MWY0

Trotting towards the fire come two large quadrupedal skeletons, their feet ending in what appear to be hooves. On their backs sit two skeletons clad in leather dusters, spurred boots, and wide-brimmed hats that clearly weren’t bought yesterday. The soldier taking point lowers his rifle and sighs with relief.

“Didn’t expect to see you guys up here--you’re lucky we didn’t give you a trim!” The rifleman motions for the others to stand down as the two cowpokes dismount.

“Caught a whiff of campfire up by THE BARRIER,” Grunts one of the riders as he rolls a cigarette. “Lyle here reckoned we just found our bounty.”

Lyle spits in assent. Shrugging, the soldier ushers the two over to the fire. “Sorry to disappoint. General’s worried that Parble and her gang are headed to THE DAM next, so here we are.”

“Obliged.” The cowboy replies as he takes a spot by the fire. Lyle hitches the skeleton horses on some nearby trees, then joins him.

“They uh…” Ly whispers as you creep further back into the shadows, “Those horses can’t talk, right?” You barely catch your scoff before it leaves your mouth--talking horses, Ly? SERIOUSLY?

“... We DID start all ‘dis fightin’ talkin’ animal bones, Stan…” He continues, pulling your bones even further backwards. “Just sayin’.”

“You boys camping here for a while, then?” Asks the cowboy, spurs jingling as he stretches his legs out.

“Until we’re relieved, yep.” The second soldier replies. “You ask me, though, I bet Parble’s vapor by now--the lab made sure of that.”

The soldier points at the tower of flame off to the West. Yea, you whisper to yourself, keep thinking that…

Sensing eyes on your back, you find your crew waiting anxiously for your orders--you’re still on the clock here, after all! What do?

>Make a DISTRACTION, then AMBUSH!
>LISTEN longer--maybe there’s some intel here!
>Just ATTACK--you’ve got a DAM to visit!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4841882
>Just ATTACK--you’ve got a DAM to visit!
We've literally got a machinegun. Just make sure to target Fritz first.
>>
>>4841882
>Make a DISTRACTION, then AMBUSH!
Kinda want to listen, but we do have urgent business to attend too
>>
>>4841882
>LISTEN longer--maybe there’s some intel here
>>
Visiting family in a little bit so I'm gonna keep this open until I get back--don't have an exact estimate yet, but I assume I'll be gone until 5-6pm PST. Thanks for your patience!
>>
Just got back--clearly a lot later than expected, I know! Pretty wiped out too. Tell you what, though: let's shoot for SUNDAY around 9-10AM PST! We'll pick it up then, honest!
>>
>>4841882
>listen longer
>>
>>4841899
>ATTACK NOW!

>>4841900
>DISTRACTION!

>>4841957
>>4843543
>Stay a while and listen!

Writing!
>>
Hold! HOOOOLD, you say! Or gesture, rather. These boneheads might not have ‘em anymore, but they tend to have very loose lips, if you get the picture--maybe these guys have a bit more info to share!

Sure enough, the conversation continues as your retinue crouches lower in the shadows.

“What do they need all that water for anyways? They gonna flood the town or something?” Mutters the cowboy as he taps some ash from his cigarette.

“General ain’t that far gone yet!” The first soldier chuckles! “No, they’re setting up a chemical that’ll melt the skin, muscle, and everything else off of the living.”

“They’ve been having trouble setting it up, though.” Adds the other soldier as he pokes at the fire. “Can’t just dump it all in at once--the water dilutes it. I think some of the gearheads were setting something up in the TREATMENT CENTER, but that was the last I heard of it.”

“So it’s like trappin’ and huntin’.” Mutters the cowpoke. “Why chase ‘em down, right?”

The soldiers nod. If you weren’t directly affected by this chemical warfare you’d agree that it’s a pretty nifty way of doing things!

“Doesn’t matter where you’re hiding--meaty’s gotta drink eventually.” Shrugs the soldier. “That’s what the general’s counting on, anyways.”

Finishing off his cigarette, the cowboy moves to roll another, but is stopped by a hard look from his compadre. Grunting, he rises to his feet and brushes the dust off of his duster.

“Well friends, it’s been a pleasure. Lyle here’s a bit too attached to his work, as you can imagine, so we’re gonna hit the trail while it’s still dark.”

“... Reckon we catch a few escapees ‘fore daylight.” Lyle mutters, hocking another foul gob of spit on the ground.

Your team retreats deepers into the rapidly-shrinking shadows as the two cowpokes unhitch and mount their horses.

“One more thing, friends,” The first rider adds, “Heard some sort of motor hearabouts--small, mind, but something with wheels. Figured you’d wanna know.”

The soldiers nod in appreciation, and with that the horsemen tip their hats and disappear into the sh-

“HOLD IT!” Barks the first cowboy as he draws his peacemaker in your direction! Frozen like statues, your entourage bites their collective lip as the two cowboys stare daggers in your direction.

And yet… Nothing happens.

“... Musta’ been a raccoon...” Grunts the rider as he holsters his weapon once more. Sending one last ‘Y’all take care now,’ towards the soldiers, the two riders disappear once more into the shadows leaving your team alone with the campfire’s occupants.

Hey, that was actually kinda smart! What now?
>DISTRACT the SOLDIERS, then ATTACK!
>Just RUSH ‘EM--you have the numbers!
>WAIT some more--maybe you’ll get more info!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4843787
>Just RUSH 'EM
Don't want 80 posts of skelexposition and they're getting wary of us, so lets take them out
>>
>>4843787
>WRITE-IN
I kinda wanna try something. If Ly is an astral projection, do you think he'd be able to possess other skeletons?

While we are in a relatively low stakes situation, I say we send Ly forward and see if he can't take over one of the skeleton soldiers' bodies. If it doesn't work, then

>Just RUSH 'EM
>>
>>4843787
>DISTRACT the SOLDIERS, then ATTACK!
Use the duck.
>>
>>4843791
>>4843803
>RUSH 'EM!

but also try this Ly thing?

Writing!
>>
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You wait for the sound of hooves to disappear into the distance before you act--you’d better do something now before these guys start up again: don’t want a repeat of thread 3, do we?

Before you cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, however, there’s something you want Ly to try. Slipping out of your body in his ASTRAL FORM, Ly crosses his arms and looks at you expectantly.

“Well ain’t you just Patty Patience today! We gonna get to dat’ dam this week, or what?”

Ignoring the sass, you point in the direction of the campfire--any way Ly could try POSSESSING one of those guys? He can pop into your body, why not theirs?

Your skeleton’s glowing form rubs its jawbone in thought. “Huh. Never thought of dat’. Certainly worth a try, I suppose…” With that Ly slinks off through the walls of the shack towards your foes. Gesturing for your group to hang tight, you cross your arms and wait with a patient smile on your face. Possession! Man, sometimes it scares you how smart you are!

You hear a few strained grunts and groans, then a defeated sigh. A moment later Ly comes back looking like a guy who couldn’t get the pickle jar open.

“It’s…” He pants, wiping ASTRAL SWEAT from his ASTRAL BROW, “It’s a no-go, cupcake. I feel like I ALMOST HAD IT, but there’s somethin’ blocking me… Feels like I need an extra bit of OOMPH, or somethin’.”

“Possession doesn’t come easily,” Sybil interjects, “It takes concentration and quite a bit of practice to do for even a moment. Perhaps down the line we can find something that’ll help?”

“Er…” Eddie adds, “What are we talking about?”

“Magic stuff, just ignore it.” Mitzi grunts as she drums her fingers against her SMG. “We gonna waste these guys or what?”

Yes, you nod, you ARE! You’re gonna need rolls, though--can’t do anything without those. There are rules, after all!

Roll 1d100+10 to rush these goofs! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS! Don’t forget to mention specific strategies--I believe someone mentioned focusing on the Flammenwerfer first?
>>
Rolled 18 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4843879
Im down with going for flamenwerfer guy first!

Let's open with the CHINCHILL pump action and see if we can't just blast him to pieces in a fast rush
>>
Rolled 85 (1d100)

>>4843879
>GEEK THE MAGE^W FLAMETROWER GUY
>>
Gonna change to my laptop in a little bit-- still waiting on that third roll, so feel free to roll again if you already have. I'll update again when I'm set up at the other location!
>>
Rolled 58 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4843879
RUSH EM
>>
>>4843890
>>4843899
>>4843966
>Highest Roll: 95!
We're all set up! Writing!
>>
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>>4844147
You hold up three fingers on your hand, much to your team’s excitement--even TALBOT’s looking pumped! By the time your countdown reaches one, your gang has already set themselves up to rush and attack the unsuspecting boneheads on the other side of the shack. Not wanting to feel left out, you whip out your CHINCHILL PUMP-ACTION as well--something tells you you’re gonna want to hit that flamethrower dude first.

A warm morning breeze blows through the campsite, and then you STRIKE! Like kids swarming a downed pinata, your crew of misfits falls upon the soldiers before they can get up! In a miracle of gun safety you and your pals fill the campers with lead and magic missiles and somehow manage to avoid shooting each other while Talbot swings at them with Denise’s catatonic form! By the time you have to reload, the campsite’s previous tenants lie in pieces on the ground.

Nodding to each other, your team quickly goes to town stomping on the remaining boney bits just in case and reduces them all to a fine powder that blows away in the morning breeze. After a quick break to reload your various implements of destruction, you clap the dust from your hands as your team settles down from their bloodlust.

“That went well!” Tucker remarks, snatching an [green]N4 RIFLE[/green] from a nearby pile of dust. “Guess this camp is ours now.”

“Seems that way.” Mitzi nods as she takes in the sights. The tip of the sun slowly peeks from behind some distant mountains, transforming the dark, running waters of the BLUE RIVER to a pretty shade of purple. The DINGHY jostles quietly against the dock as if it was politely reminding you it was there while the moss-covered shack sways in the breeze behind you, its mildew-scented interior defended by a flimsy bit of driftwood pretending to be a door.

Knowing California, though, this place would probably run you over 3 grand a month… Why are you saving this place again?

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4844310
“So,” Sybil begins, “We’re at the river. I presume the DAM is downstream.”

“That’s the impression I got from Kiki.” Tucker answers, shooting the tree-climber a disapproving look as her body struggles to carry Fritz’s flamethrower. Pouting, the camera girl lets the rig fall to the dirt and crosses her arms angrily.

“Guess it’s plan time again, huh boss?” Mitzi grins, idly tossing a pebble into the river. You nod--you probably don’t have time to look elsewhere.

“I can bring the van over!” Eddie smiles, jutting a thumb back the way you came. “Just in case, you know?”

“I-I-I’ll join you!” Squeaks Denise, prompting Talbot to place her back on the ground. “I n-need to fix Stan’s phone anyways, so…”

“In that case, I’ll search the cabin.” Sybil decrees, prompting Tucker and Kiki to fall in line behind her.

“Guess I’ll make sure that boat works, then.” Mitzi shrugs, pointing her STUN BATON at the dock. Not one for words, Talbot looks at you pleadingly. Guess he’s coming with you for now!

Looks like your group is getting to work--question is, what are YOU gonna do?
>ESCORT EDDIE and DENISE to the Van!
>DIAGNOSE the BOAT!
>SEARCH the SHACK!
>WRITE-IN

Also on a slightly-related note, making updates on this device is like pulling teeth, so I'm gonna hold off on the next update until I get back home around 6ish. Thanks for the patience again.
>>
>>4844313
>SEARCH the SHACK!
>>
>>4844313
>SEARCH the SHACK!
>>
>>4844313
>SEARCH the SHACK!
>>
>>4844317
>>4844392
>>4844436
>Search the SHACK!

Sorry folks, day ran away from me. Here's an update! Writing!
>>
>>4844806
Disappointed you didn't say "SHACK up!", but oh well.
>>
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>>4844829
I goofed... :c

Waving to Eddie and Denise as they depart down the dirt path towards where you left the van, you opt to follow Syb, Tucker, and Kiki into the shack when you see Mitzi start kicking the DINGHY repeatedly. Talbot tries to follow you too, but adopts a sad look in his remaining eye when you motion for him to stay put--nothing personal, you explain in an apologetic tone, but you don’t wanna collapse this thing just yet!

Tucker opens the door for the group and inadvertently blasts you all with a foul burst of fish gut-flavored air! Covering your nose, you squint through the inky darkness of the shack and groan--you weren’t expecting much, of course, but this is just SLIM PICKINS’!

The room is dominated by two pieces of furniture--a rusty cot with a faded sleeping bag and pillow and a rotting wooden table like you’d see at a real campsite. Daring to venture closer, you see the dried remains of fish offal caked on the table along with a few loose pieces of paper, one of which is dominated by a GREEN PEN. WEIRD!

“Take a look over here, Stan.” Sybil murmurs, poking a weathered FOOTLOCKER with a rusty padlock on it! Before you can crack it open, you feel a tug at your coverall leg as KIKI gestures to a WARDROBE near the far wall--its handles also covered in what you assume to be dried viscera. A mud-caked LIFE PRESERVER hangs on the wall next to it along with a…

Wait a minute…

You have to blink a few times to believe it--set on the wall on an ornate wooden fish mount sits what you assume to be some sort of catfish, but this…

Catfish shouldn’t have FUR!

Seeing the stunned expression on your face, Tucker lets out a singular chuckle as he pats you on the shoulder.

“Not something you see every day, huh?”

No, you mutter, no you don’t. And you’ve seen a LOT!

You weren’t expecting such a TREASURE TROVE! What do you start with FIRST?

>Check the PAPERS--GREEN’S not a common PEN COLOR.
>Help SYB with the FOOTLOCKER.
>Open the WARDROBE for KIKI!
>You’ve GOTTA EXAMINE the FISH. You’ve GOTTA.
>WRITE-IN
>>
And that's where I'm calling it for tonight, folks--should be ready to update MONDAY AROUND 9-10AM PST, though! Sorry about the erratic schedule lately and thank you for playing along!
>>
>>4844842
>EXAMINE the FISH!
>>4844845
No worries, there's been quests that just dropped off the face of the earth so one that's kept running for this long despite the erratic schedule is nice.
>>
>>4844842
>Help SYB with the FOOTLOCKER.
>>
>>4844842
>Check the PAPERS--GREEN’S not a common PEN COLOR.
Fey time?

I'm willing to do some heinous deeds for a little more magical OOMPH or for Art to get resurrected hahaha I miss him so much

>>4844845
Echoing >>4844850's sentiment, I just appreciate the communication on your end and how long you've kept at it- I'm more than willing to deal with a little erratic scheduling in exchange.
>>
>>4844842
>Check the PAPERS--GREEN’S not a common PEN COLOR.
>>
You somehow manage to wrench your eyes free of the FURRY FISH to get a closer look at the PAPERS. After all, green’s not exactly a common pen color now is it?

“Pretty sure it is, actually.” Ly grunts as you approach the foul, crusty table. Whatever, Ly! You’re checking it out and that’s FINAL. And check it out you do: sifting through the papers you don’t find much of value--records of fish weight, notes on the weather, a plan to sneak into the dam through an intake pipe for a hilarious video, and finally a surprisingly pristine shopping list! Trying and failing to decipher the chicken scratch written down, one item seems to almost JUMP out at you--the one written in GREEN PEN!

”-List of PASSWORDS for TREATMENT CENTER COMPUTERS” You frown--could this be from… You-Know-Who?

“Who do I know?” Sybil peeks over your shoulder before you can hide the note! Guess you’ll have to IMPROVISE!

Errrrr… Uh….
...Nope, you’ve got nothing. Sighing in defeat, you hold the shopping list out for Syb to see--looks like your FAIRY FRIEND has another job fo-

Before you can finish, Syb AXE-KICKS the note out of your hands and onto the ground causing a frown to form on your face! What the hell, Syb? Littering in front of a Janitor?! That’s like lighting a house on fire in front of a firefighter or eating a donut in front of a cop-

“Stan,” Syb begins in her LECTURER voice, “What did I tell you about dealing with THE FAE?

You scratch your head. Errr… ‘Hey Stanley, you fox, you--keep getting cool powers from The Fae, please!’... Right?

Syb’s eyes narrow at your response. “... I DON’T sound like that. And no, I told you to NOT deal with them! Don’t you remember what they asked for last time?

Sure you do! But um… Why don’t you explain it to Ly just in case he forgot?

“Hey!” Barks your skeleton! “I remember completely--they asked for a List of HONOR ROLL STUDENTS!

You nod--yep, that’s exactly what you were gonna say too.

“Doesn’t that raise any RED FLAGS for you?” Syb asks, cocking her head to the side. “We might be fixing one problem and creating a future one!”

You scoff--then you’ll deal with it! Ly got his ability to FLY AROUND from THE FAIRY, Syb can’t deny it’s been useful!

“Plus you still owe them a favor. Can’t weasel outta’ dat, cupcake!” Ly helpfully adds, prompting Syb to massage her temples in annoyance.

>CONTD.
>>
>>4844946
You somehow manage to wrench your eyes free of the FURRY FISH to get a closer look at the PAPERS. After all, green’s not exactly a common pen color now is it?

“Pretty sure it is, actually.” Ly grunts as you approach the foul, crusty table. Whatever, Ly! You’re checking it out and that’s FINAL. And check it out you do: sifting through the papers you don’t find much of value--records of fish weight, notes on the weather, a plan to sneak into the dam through an intake pipe for a hilarious video, and finally a surprisingly pristine shopping list! Trying and failing to decipher the chicken scratch written down, one item seems to almost JUMP out at you--the one written in GREEN PEN!

”-List of PASSWORDS for TREATMENT CENTER COMPUTERS” You frown--could this be from… You-Know-Who?

“Who do I know?” Sybil peeks over your shoulder before you can hide the note! Guess you’ll have to IMPROVISE!

Errrrr… Uh….
...Nope, you’ve got nothing. Sighing in defeat, you hold the shopping list out for Syb to see--looks like your FAIRY FRIEND has another job fo-

Before you can finish, Syb AXE-KICKS the note out of your hands and onto the ground causing a frown to form on your face! What the hell, Syb? Littering in front of a Janitor?! That’s like lighting a house on fire in front of a firefighter or eating a donut in front of a cop-

“Stan,” Syb begins in her LECTURER voice, “What did I tell you about dealing with THE FAE?

You scratch your head. Errr… ‘Hey Stanley, you fox, you--keep getting cool powers from The Fae, please!’... Right?

Syb’s eyes narrow at your response. “... I DON’T sound like that. And no, I told you to NOT deal with them! Don’t you remember what they asked for last time?

Sure you do! But um… Why don’t you explain it to Ly just in case he forgot?

“Hey!” Barks your skeleton! “I remember completely--they asked for a List of HONOR ROLL STUDENTS!

You nod--yep, that’s exactly what you were gonna say too.

“Doesn’t that raise any RED FLAGS for you?” Syb asks, cocking her head to the side. “We might be fixing one problem and creating a future one!”

You scoff--then you’ll deal with it! Ly got his ability to FLY AROUND from THE FAIRY, Syb can’t deny it’s been useful!

“Plus you still owe them a favor. Can’t weasel outta’ dat, cupcake!” Ly helpfully adds, prompting Syb to massage her temples in annoyance.

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4845435
“... Look, I can’t tell you what to do,” Syb huffs, “But I implore you, Stan, PLEASE use caution. THE FAE don’t think or feel the way we do--something that seems unspeakable to us is like SUNDAY BRUNCH for them.”

You nod--fine, you’ll keep your distance if it’ll make her feel better. That said, you know for a fact that Ly could use a power up, and if THE FAIRY can do anything about Art-

Syb’s finger JABS into your chest at breakneck speed! Ow, watch the ti-

Don’t even THINK about getting Art involved with them, Stan. I mean it.

Okay, sheesh! Typing the deets of the sidequest into your COMPANY-ISSUED BLACKBERRY, you survey the rest of the shack. The shopping list is promising, sure, but it doesn’t get you into the dam, does it?

What’s next?
>Help SYB with the FOOTLOCKER.
>Open the WARDROBE for KIKI!
>You’ve GOTTA EXAMINE the FISH. You’ve GOTTA.
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4845436
>You’ve GOTTA EXAMINE the FISH. You’ve GOTTA

Let's take the plan about the intake pipe for a video with us too- might be our best way in!
>>
>>4845436
>You’ve GOTTA EXAMINE the FISH. You’ve GOTTA.
>>
>>4845436
>Help SYB with the FOOTLOCKER.
>>
>>4845442
>>4845499
>THE FIIIISH!

>>4845517
>Check the FOOTLOCKER!

Writing!
>>
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Hastily snatching the shopping list off of the ground along with the other papers, you turn your attention to the hairy curiosity mounted on the wall--the FISH! Examining it closer, you take note of the writing on the plaque beneath it and nod thoughtfully…

Ludwig. Scaled-down replica of Clearwater’s legendary fish: the FUR-BEARIN’ CATFISH!

Picking your jaw back off of the creaky floor, you feel a rush of excitement work its way through your body--this is it!

“... What is?” Ly asks with a hint of bemusement. You answer by pointing a finger at the fish. THIS! This is your ticket right here!

Your enthusiasm is countered by a polite chuckle from your skeleton. “Stan, uh… I’m pretty sure that’s just a TOURIST TRAP. Fish don’t have fur.”

Planting your hands on your hips, you put on a smug grin--no, you remark, not YET!

“Oh damn it, really?!

Syb, Tucker, and Kiki gather around you, the former clearly still irked from your last discussion. “Stan, please don’t internalize ANOTHER stupid idea, honey… Your brain’s stressed out enough…” You grumble as Syb tussles your hair a bit--your brain is fine, damn it! You’re saner than ever--everyone ELSE is insane!

“I think we’ve got bigger things to worry about than a hairy fish, Stan.” Tucker nods in agreement, “but maybe there’s something in the fish?”

The hairy fish is impressive, natch, but clearly an impossible catch!

Oh don’t YOU start too! So what, fairies, skeletons and painful steam can exist, but not FISH?! You’re still gonna search this replica, but do they have a point? How do you respond?

>Okay, maybe it IS a cheap marketing ploy.
>You might not be the one to CATCH it, but you believe in LUDWIG!
>They’re wrong--they’re ALL WRONG! YOU’RE GONNA CATCH THIS THING, DAMN IT!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4845586
>They’re wrong--they’re ALL WRONG! YOU’RE GONNA CATCH THIS THING, DAMN IT!

This is how we win. This will defeat the pirate and sea witch
>>
>>4845586
>They’re wrong--they’re ALL WRONG! YOU’RE GONNA CATCH THIS THING, DAMN IT!
Bones, its absolutely adorable you consider this an 'erratic' schedule. You've been updating consistently every single day for the past several months. That's the most consistency I've seen from this board ever.
>>
>>4845625
>>4845726
>SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE

Writing!

>>4845726
I guess it is kinda goofy when you put it that way. I just didn't want to get into the habit of being all '6PM on SUNDAY! BE THERE!' and suddenly not show up until 2AM. Still, I appreciate the kind words--it's been a blast writing with you all and I thank you for the support!

In other news, WRITING!
>>
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You gingerly remove the fish from the mount as if it were Excalibur and chuckle to yourself. Fools, all of you! Sensing where this is going, Syb throws her hands in the air and walks away. She’s a nice girl, but she lacks VISION!

“I’ll bite,” Tucker bites, “you’re thinking of catching it, aren’t you?”

Shaking your head, you turn around and wave the fish in his face. No, no no, you tsk, you aren’t THINKING, you’re DOING. Sensing he’s walked into a lion’s den, Tucker backs up a bit and takes Kiki with him. Don’t they SEE?! This is how you defeat THE SEA WITCH and PIRATE-- by mastering the waters of Clearwater! Why didn’t you think of it before?!

You pet the LUDWIG REPLICA a few times, giggling in anticipation. If it’s a legend, where did it start, hm? You’ll say this much--you know where it’s gonna end!

“... At the end of your fishing pole?” Tucker concludes, still keeping his distance. PRECISELY!

“You won’t be catching anything until you find a FISHING ROD!” Sybil counters with a playful shrug! “Too bad!”

“Won’t catch anything but bones either if those soldiers do their thing at the dam.” Tucker adds. “Guess you’ll have to put the fishing trip on hold, boss.”

You shrug--it’s only a matter of time. If fate wills it, it will provide! Drumming your fingers against the fish, you notice a creased bit of fur near its flank--peeling it back reveals a series of NUMBERS carved into the side!

6 6 5!

Showing them off to your pals, you notice Syb’s frustration subside a bit!

“Now that’s something we can use--I believe that FOOTLOCKER had a NUMBERED PADLOCK on it.”

Looking over by the cot, you nod--looks like it! Stowing the LUDWIG REPLICA in your pockets, you mull over your options.

>Che

“Are you really bringing that along?” Syb asks, gaze flitting between you and your pocket. You nod--every soldier needs something to remind them what they’re fighting for.

“For the love of…”

OPTIONS! Let’s see ‘em!
>Crack open the WARDROBE! You don’t have the key, but…
>Try the COMBINATION on the FOOTLOCKER!
>Check on MITZI--she’s been kicking that DINGHY for a while!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4845809
>Try the COMBINATION on the FOOTLOCKER!
lets slice the lock on the wardrobe next.
>>
>>4845809
>Try the COMBINATION on the FOOTLOCKER!
>>
>>4845809
>Try the COMBINATION on the FOOTLOCKER!
>>
>>4845826
>>4845834
>>4845840
>C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Writing!
>>
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You’ve got a combination--it’s only natural to unlock something with it! The floor of the shack creaks under your weight as you cross the room, giving you the impression that the whole thing’s one sneeze away from collapsing. Guess this is one of those function over flair places.

The FOOTLOCKER sits quietly in front of the cot caked in what you think used to be green paint. The layer of chips on the floor next to it tell you that it’s been doing this for a while, and a quick measurement tells you that it’s almost as wide as you are tall!

“Stan, get off the floor--there’s probably bugs in the wood.” Syb lectures, prompting you to get back up. Brushing the paint chips off of your coveralls, you crouch down and take the PADLOCK in hand--sure enough it appears to be some sort of rotary lock with numbers on each section. Dutifully setting it to 665, you smile to yourself as the padlock tumbles to the floor. Pocketing it for later use, you turn your attention to the lid of the foot locker and carefully lift it open!

“Oh NO…” Syb groans as she brings a palm to her face. Oh YES, you reply, grinning from ear to ear! For it’s not the STACK OF PONGOS that excites you, nor is it the WOODEN PADDLE for the boat. No… What catches your eye is the TELESCOPING FISHING ROD with the built-in MINI-TACKLEBOX! Wrenching Syb’s hand free from her face, you firmly, yet gently maneuver her chin so that she’s looking you in the eyes.

Fate has SPOKEN, Syb.

“It’s not fate if you found a fishing pole in a fishing shack!” She snaps! “But… Fine. You’re going to take it anyways, aren’t you?”

You respond with a series of rapid nods--yep yep YEP! Defeated, Syb pats you on the shoulder and sighs. “Just… Let’s focus on the dam for now, okay?”

Sure, you reply, can’t make FISH HISTORY if all the fish are dissolved! Snatching up the items, you notice one last treasure near the bottom--a weathered old FISHERMAN’S HAT. Part of you wants to put it on, but you pause--no, you think to yourself, it’s not yet TIME.

As you pick it up from its corner in the box, you notice something else as well--something big, black, and EIGHT-LEGGED! You barely manage an ‘OH SHIT!’ before it lunges for your hand!

Roll 1d100-5 to defeat the spider! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS! Don’t forget to include your DEALING WITH SPIDER STRATS!
>>
Rolled 43 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4845993
Throw Syb at the spider!
Also sweet, how many PONGOS did we rake in?
>>
Rolled 50 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4845993
slap at it with a mop!
>>
>>4846002
You were too busy freaking out to check, but your FEMININE INTUITION tells you there's about 10 PONGOS. Pastebin has been UPDATED, baby!
>>
>>4846014
Gotta love our feminine intuition!
>>
Rolled 57 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4845993
uhhhhhhh slap it really hard
>>
>>4846002
>>4846011
>>4846104
>Highest Roll: 52!
Writing!
>>
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Thankfully you’re no stranger to dealing with EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS--you’ve probably committed spider genocide by now with all the swatting and slapping you’ve done at Good Boy. It’s no surprise, then, that rather than recoiling at the sight of the creepy-crawly, you instead lunge forward and slap the shit right out of it with a gloved hand!

Sensing your attack, the wee beastie dodges to the side like his ilk always does. Too little, too late, you chuckle, diverting your hand’s course to intercept it! All eight of the spider’s eyes look at you in a mixture of surprise and awe before getting mulched underneath your palm, leaving you and your friends alone with the foot locker’s bounty and a stained glove.

Enemies beware, be they MAN or SPIDER, our boss Stan is QUITE the FIGHTER!

You smile at Kiki’s praise as you wipe the arachnid’s remains off on the side of the cot--looks like there’s only one thing left to check! Cracking your knuckles, you approach the WARDROBE with slashing intent just as you hear the familiar sound of the van’s engine approaching outside! Good, you think to yourself, all the pieces are falling into place!

You don’t even need to roll to bust open the wardrobe--the thing’s rotted past the point of having any cool puzzles or arbitrary key hunts devoted to it. Giving up the ghost with one half-assed slash of your BONE CLAWS, you’re presented with a second helping of SWEET LOOT PIE!

… Of varying quality. In the back of the wardrobe sits a stack of3 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER, thankfully unused. Hanging from a few hooks up top are TWO WETSUITS, TWO PAIRS OF GOGGLES, AND TWO LIFE JACKETS--hopefully unisex. Below that is a stack of about EIGHT CANS OF INFINAMEAT--THE LONG-LASTING MEAT SUBSTITUTE CRITICS CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT! Wedged behind the TP and cans lies a RUSTED HARPOON, a TEN-FOOT ROPE, and a FRAYED NET, most likely used for something devious.

“... Or fishing.” Ly murmurs. That was your second thought!

The sound of activity outside tells you that the gang’s back together again--before you run off, though, you oughta decide WHAT TO TAKE WITH YOU, RIGHT?

>Take EVERYTHING!
>Take it all BUT (WRITE-IN what you leave out)
>WRITE-IN
Don't forget that you've got PALS and a VAN to carry shit in!
>>
>>4846277
>Take it all BUT (WRITE-IN what you leave out)
Grab everything but the toilet paper. Come on guys, when is TOILET paper gonna be a problem in an apocalypse like scenario, right? Ridiculous!
>>
>>4846277
>Take EVERYTHING!
Oh hell yes, we are equipped for some real tomfoolery
>>
Gonna take a pause here for a little bit--gonna play some games with some pals. Will probably be back later this evening to FORM A PLAN! Hope to see you then!
>>
Rolled 1 (1d2)

>>4846282
>1
>>4846283
>2
Rolling to move things along--we're back!
>>
You’ll pick up the other stuff, but you draw the line at TOILET PAPER--what kind of sick hellhole would you be visiting that didn’t have a few rolls in the bathroom? You can totally tell the ones here aren’t the nice brand either--this stuff probably cuts like sandpaper!

“So,” Tucker interjects, “What are we grabbing?”

A lot, it turns out. You and your crew begin the painstaking process of gathering up the items from the shack and help you shove them into your pockets. It’s a tight fit, but that's why they make these bad boys so damn deep!

Loaded down with your new plunder, you and the others emerge from the cabin just in time to see the sun peeking over the distant mountains--wake up and smell the ashes!

“Inspection complete!” Mitzi reports as she returns from the dock with a grin on her face. “Hope you found a PADDLE or something, though, because that thing’s not gonna run on wishes…”

You answer her by holding the PADDLE you found aloft. Impressed, Mitzi takes a seat on one of the logs next to the campfire, prompting the others to follow suit. Unable to find one his size, Talbot merely plops onto the ground and looks at you expectantly.

“Van’s still good on gas,” Eddie explains as he returns from the vehicle with Denise in tow. “We should be able to make a speedy getaway after… Well, whatever the plan is.”

You feel the team’s eager eyes fall upon you. Just as you gulp down a lump of anxiety, Denise anxiously raises her hand. Does she have something to share?

W-Well yes… I was contemplating the situation and came up with an idea--it will require SPEED and COORDINATION, but you could infiltrate the DAM via one of the INTAKE tunnels upstream. They will no doubt be sealed with fences and other safeguards, but it will no-doubt be the quietest way in! Talbot can help too, given his mass!

The giant nods in response to the doc’s plan, but the looks on Syb and Eddie’s faces tell you they aren’t as thrilled.

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4846819
“We may be able to get in that way, but one small slip-up makes it the deadliest route as well.” Sybil responds. “We didn’t find any breathing apparatus, so Doctor Venaas’ plan will have to work without a hitch--can we really hold our breaths long enough to reach the TREATMENT CENTER?

“I found these in the boat, but they ain’t much…” Mitzi interjects, holding up TWO PAIRS OF FLIPPERS! “When you factor in cutting open filters and dodging machinery it might not be such a good idea.”

T-Talbot can scout ahead!” Denise counters! “I-If he cuts through things in advance, it’ll be easy!

You hold up the plan the shack’s owner had to infiltrate the dam for his MeTube channel--it certainly seems possible!

“What if we kept the boat idea, but climbed the dam instead?” Syb offers. “No doubt there will be more resistance, but they certainly won’t expect an attack from the side of the dam!”

“Why even do that?” Eddie interrupts, throwing his chips into the middle as well! “If we gotta hit the TREATMENT CENTER, why don’t we just hike through the woods and hop the fence near there? In and out, baby!”

“Because that way will be covered by guards for sure.” Tucker answers, shaking his head. “The first plan’s dangerous, but it’s also just crazy enough to fly under the radar. Eddie’s has merit too, but we might as well try sneaking in through the front.”

“Speaking of crazy, and feel free to call me out,” Mitzi pops in, “Why go the sneaky route at all? We’ve got a tank of our own, remember?” Pointing her finger towards Talbot, the giant confidently flexes his bicep.

H-he’s not a TANK!” Denise interjects! “T-Talbie is versatile, yes, but extended use will require extended MAINTENANCE! The more stress the GOODBOYNIUM takes, the more likely it is to go haywire!

“If necessary, I might be able to cast a GLAMOR SPELL or two,” Sybil replies. “I can’t guarantee it will last long, but it can help you infiltrate.”

Mulling over the options in your head, you struggle to make a decision! The whole operation rests on your plan, but which one will WORK?

...And which one will keep everyone alive?
>Let’s SWIM through the TUBES.
>Let’s CLIMB the DAM.
>Let’s HIKE through the WOODS!
>SYB, we’ll need DISGUISES.
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4846820
>Let’s CLIMB the DAM
The tubes sound like they'd have sewer mutants in em
>>
And that's all for tonight, folks--got work early tomorrow and my brain's already feeling kinda pooped. Pastebin has been updated with all the new items--you can check it out and plan accordingly HERE:

https://pastebin.com/yANc7fJm

Feel free to ask me any clarifying questions you have about ABILITIES, ITEMS, and KNOWLEDGE--I can foresee this being a pretty bit decision and it WILL affect how things go!

I'll check back in TUESDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST! I might be able to update earlier, though--keep an eye out on Twitter and Discord for updates!

Thank you all for playing along and hope to see you next time! Until TOMBorrow!
>>
>>4846820
>Let’s CLIMB the DAM.
We can wolverine climb that shit with our claws, it'll be awesome.
>>
>>4846820
>Let’s CLIMB the DAM.
>>
>>4846823
>>4846829
>>4846941
>CLIMB!

Writing! Got out a little earlier than usual today!
>>
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You quickly simulate each and every plan and possible outcome in your head and the winner is clear--you’ve gotta CLIMB THAT DAM!

“... Because?” Mitzi replies, leaning forward with interest. It’s simple, you reply with a smile, if you consider the CATFISH!

Your reason is met with a symphony of disappointed sounds. Shut it! You weren’t FINISHED!

“If this has anything to do with that FURRY FISH, Stan, I’m going to MELT you.” Sybil growls as she rolls up her sleeves! You respond with a series of tsks--nothing of the sort! You’re basing your logic on old-fashioned NATURE!

As Eddie and Kiki restrain Syb’s flailing form, Tucker politely gestures for you to continue. Pulling out your new HARPOON, you quickly draw a diagram in the dirt. To begin, you begin, what sets a CATFISH apart from other fish? Denise’s hand shoots up attoseconds after you finish asking the question!

N-Naturally it’s their common characteristic--the barbels located near their mouths that resemble a cat’s whiskers! Meow!

Cringing at the doc’s cat impression, you shake your head--nice try, nerd, but not quite! The whole team pauses for a moment to point and laugh, and after Denise is thoroughly put down to the point of tears, Mitzi raises her hand. Yes?

“They’re high in Vitamin-D?” No, DAMN IT! They’re always calling you dumb and yet they forget the most BASIC FACT OF CATFISH! THINK!

The group doesn’t seem to react well to your annoyed ‘think’ gesture, so you decide to pivot--fine, you shrug, if they can’t figure it out themselves… You quickly draw a large, slanted line to denote the DAM and pause for your inept gang to follow. A thumbs up from Eddie tells you ‘so far so good!’

That’s when you draw the fish. Small, yes, but that’s when you draw the line going from its mouth all the way OVER the dam! Ringing any bells now!?

The group’s silence tells you that no, bells are clearly not ringing. Okay, you huff--you’re thinking of a sentence with FIVE WORDS-

“Stan, please just tell us.” Syb interrupts, clearly cooled down a bit. “I don’t even want to melt you anymore.”

Fine, you scoff, crossing your arms in frustration! Get your notebooks, because you’re about to spell it out for them: CATFISH JUMP OVER DAMS ALL THE TIME! It’s part of their damn life cycle, MORONS!

You watch as realization spreads across your gang’s faces and smirk--that’s right! You might not be the smartest cookie around, but you’re certainly in the box! HAH!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4848357
“...In any case, I think we all follow the spirit of Stan’s reasoning.” Sybil concludes, patting you on the head as you pout in the corner after several minutes of SALMON 101. “The next step is manpower--who’s coming along?”

The doc’s hand shoots up once again, launching sweat into the air as it goes. “I-I-I-I-I’ll st-stay with the v-van! I’m n-n-not one for confrontations, after all!

Yea, you grumble, she’d rather have TALBOT do all the work!

I-I can still support! Th-there’s a RADIO in the van… I c-could be like your h-handler!

You don’t want her handling anything of yours, but that’s not important--since when was there a RADIO in the van?! An eyebrow barely raises over Denise’s massive glasses.

I-It’s built into the dashboard… Y-you never used it?

Oh shit--Art must have turned it off back when you kidnap-err, recruited him! That explains a lot!

“Pretty sure you flicked it off, cupcake.” Ly cuts in. No time for the blame game here--having a radio operator could totally help! Pleased with your conclusion, Denise gives you a nervous smile!

“E-excellent! Th-then I can stay in the van while you b-bust in! We can use CHANNEL 4 to communicate!”

“That means someone oughta stay back with her,” Eddie adds, “just in case the van’s gotta move quickly.”

Tucker shoots him a look. “Let me guess--you’re gonna be the driver. Again.

Eddie responds with an incredulous look! “No way--I’ve been driving all night! I wanna help bust some skeletons!” You shoot Eddie a thumbs up--that’s the spirit!

“Hate to spoil the fun, but we’ll be lucky if that DINGHY holds more than FOUR PEOPLE.” Mitzi interjects. “Tons O’ Fun over there is gonna have to swim for sure.” She adds, jabbing a finger towards Talbot.

“Or walk!” Eddie adds. “If we follow the riverside we should be fine, right?” His suggestion is met with a cornucopia of shrugs, ‘mehs’, and glances elsewhere. Guess that’s up in the air too.

“There’s also the question of getting over the side of the dam…” Sybil thinks aloud. “Stan’s claws will do the trick, but the rest of us will have to rely on that RATTY ROPE she found.”

No problem, you boast--you’ll just fasten it once you get up there and clear things out a bit! Easy-peasy!

“In that case,” Sybil replies, “Who’s going where?

>Organize your team using the resources below! You have THREE groups: BOAT, RIVERSIDE, and VAN!
>BOAT: STAN, ___, ___, ____
>RIVERSIDE:
>VAN: DENISE
>>
>>4848364
Okay, so for boat we should have people who are capable of climbing the dam or using that rope, which I don't trust. Maybe Sybil and Mitzi?
Then Tucker, Kiki, and Eddie going with Talbot on river.

Boat:
1. Stan
2. Sybil
3. Mitzi

Riverside:
1. Eddie
2. Tucker
3. Kiki
4. Talbot

Van:
1.Denise
2.Rip Kord Cutout
>>
>>4848364
>>4848418
Actually lets shift Kiki to Van support.
>>
>>4848418
This looks like a good plan! Gonna keep things open a little longer for some more player input--I'll check in soon and write after that, though!
>>
>>4848418
Okay then--guess we're unanimous! Writing!
>>
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You run through the arrangements with your team a few times to make sure everyone’s clear on the deal--YOU, SYB, and MITZI will lead the charge via the boat! EDDIE, TALBOT, and TUCKER will approach via the riverbank and link up later! KIKI and DENISE will be on escape duty--no one’s getting their hands on those wheels, ya hear?

Guarding the nerd is quite the bust, but I’ll render van thieves into DUST!

Satisfied with Kiki’s GO-GETTER attitude, you toss her the VAN KEYS for now--lord knows you won’t need them for a while.

R-r-remember: CHANNEL 4!” Denise squeaks! “A-And you two b-better watch Talbie’s back, okay?” Tucker and Eddie exchange glances, then crane their necks to meet Talbot’s confused gaze.

“Err… We’ll bring him back safe and sound.” Tucker reassures her as he checks his NEW N4 RIFLE. Clasping his pal on the back, Eddie gives you all the biggest smile he can muster under his bandana!

“We got this, guys! The CLEARWATER SANITATION COORDINATORS are on the job!”

Oh yea, that WAS your gang name, wasn’t it? You respond with a ‘HELL YEA!’--in a few hours you’ll all be gushing about how well this went over pancakes or something!

“In that case, we’d better get started!” Sybil adds with a smile of her own! “Anything else before we begin, Stan?”

You’ve got the tools. You’ve got the people. Now’s your last chance to say or do something before you launch the attack!

“Got anything in mind, cupcake?” Ly asks, prompting you to whip up a few ideas!

>Encourage everyone! You’re all coming back from this, damn it!
>Ask everyone to pray to LUDWIG for safe passage through the river!
>Beseech the RIP KORD CUTOUT to bless you with favorable stunts!
>Remind everyone to STAY QUIET, even if they’re caught--you’re gonna do a GHOST RUN here!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4848786
>>Encourage everyone! You’re all coming back from this, damn it!
>>
>>4848786
>Encourage everyone! You’re all coming back from this, damn it!
>>
>>4848922
>>4848950
>ENCOURAGE!

Writing!
>>
Clearing your throat to get the team’s attention, you take a long, hard look at your pals. TWO Lieutenants, you begin, pacing in front of them, that’s how many you’ve iced so far! It wasn’t a picnic--you and Death have crossed paths so many times now you feel like you need to introduce him to your parents! You’ve been beaten, burned, chopped, and tricked, but somehow you were able to hold it together. Today, you say freezing in place, is different!

Taking a moment to gauge everyone’s reactions, you’re rewarded with what appears to be mild confusion. Good.

This time, you resume, you’ve got BACKUP! They wanna play soldier? You’ll PLAY soldier! They may have better training, they may have better equipment, and they may have better numbers, but we’ve got something they DON’T!

“Spunk?”
“Heart?”
“Friendship?”

All very good answers, but no! Taking a moment to let the suspense settle in, you point in the direction of what you assume to be the city! You’ve got a FUTURE, damn it! One where you can have a barbeque with friends! Argue with family! Sit on your porch, take a sip of coffee and think to yourself, ‘DAMN, WHAT A COUNTRY!’

You take a moment to collect yourself before continuing in a near-whisper. They want to take that away from you, but you’re not gonna let them! That’s YOUR future, damn it! It’s yours and they can’t take that away! The only people dying today are those boneheads who think they know how to defend a dam! Let’s go show ‘em how wrong they are!

Your grand finale is met with some enthusiasm, but it quickly subsides.

“Err… Was that…” Eddie mumbles, “... was that the final speech from End of Days 2?

“The post-apocalyptic flick, right? I knew it sounded familiar…” Tucker murmurs. You respond with a frown--you took bits and pieces, okay?! The message is still the same!

“She’s right--don’t die.” Mitzi remarks, coming to your rescue! Nodding in agreement, your team pools their hands together in one central pile, Talbot’s barely fitting on top of the rest. Exchanging one last round of smiles, you count to three and fling your hands into the air!

GO TEAM!

>CONTD.
>>
>>4849077
Never mind, you groan, this sucks! It’s COLD!

“It’s only been a few minutes, dork. Stick with it.” Mitzi replies as she dips the OAR into the inky blackness of the BLUE RIVER. As your boat glides through the morning mist, you spy the silhouette of the dam approaching in front of you!

“The riverside team is on the move,” Sybil reports, legs crossed and eyes glowing blue. “I don’t sense much activity on this side of the dam.”

Good, you whisper, with luck those guys from GOOD BOY lured some of the muscle away. As the boat drifts closer to the dam, you begin to see the outlines of various defenses along the top--sandbags, gun turrets. Off to the left side you even spot what looks to be the blades of a helicopter--thankfully stationary.

Through some small miracle, your boat remains undetected as you approach the concrete monstrosity. Before long Mitzi doesn’t even need to paddle anymore--your DINGHY is pulled along by a weak current.

“Must be da’ INTAKE PIPES! Ly guesses, peering into the water below you. “You’d think they’d be guardin’ dis’ place a little bette-”

Ly’s thoughts are interrupted by a dull THUNK impacting on the bottom of the boat! Mitzi draws her SMG and Syb rouses from her CLAIRVOYANCE as you brace yourself… Ly, what the hell was that?

“Hold tight--I’m about ta’ find out!” Watching your skeleton’s ASTRAL PROJECTION dive into the river, you prepare your GOO MOP for whatever the cause of the noise was!

Your answer comes quicker than you expected--recoiling from a splash to your left, you and Syb lean over in an attack position and come face to face with…

… A piece of driftwood. Exchanging a sheepish look, you silently shake your heads--time to focus on the task at hand! The boat gently bumps against the base of the dam as-

“STAN, LOOK OUT!”

Ly’s glowing skull emerges from the water just as you hear a splash from behind you! No time to think--you’ve gotta ROLL!

Roll 1d100+5 to avoid whatever’s about to get ya! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

This is also where I'm gonna call it for tonight--brain's starting to get tired and I'd rather not rush through stuff. I'll be back on WEDNESDAY around 9-10AM PST to write an update--aside from a meeting or two I should be relatively free to update! Hope to see you all then!
>>
Rolled 87 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4849082
Good night and thanks for runnin Bones!
>>
Rolled 42 (1d100)

>>4849082
>>
Rolled 2 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4849082
>>
>>4849165
we got real lucky with this one
>>
>>4849602
You ain't just whistlin' dixie, pal!

>>4849087
>>4849156
>>4849165
>Highest roll: 92!

We writing!
>>
Bones, I have a confession to make.

On the character poll I voted for Eddie only because I confused him with Haulie Paulie. Maybe it’s because they’re both drivers, maybe it’s because Eddie sounds like a greaser name. I feel stupid either way.

My other vote was for Art, obviously.
>>
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>>4849811
>Poor Eddie! It's cool, man--I've been enjoying the feedback so far so I might have to whip up a side-character/ALL CHARACTER extravaganza in the future just for fun--lots of love for the greasers, it seems!

You’ve learned by now to not question it when Ly tells you to look out, and this time is no different! Ducking to the side, you feel a rush of air slip past your head as a long, metal spear sails through the air with some sort of cord trailing behind it!

Syb springs into action by putting on the most shocked face she can manage in such a short time and freezes in place! Way to go, Syb! Thankfully for both of you your BONE SPEED is out in full force today--rather than tell your goth pal to dodge, you merely snatch the harpoon out of the air!

“... Wow.

Smiling at Syb’s reaction, you jerk back a bit as you feel a tug on the harpoon’s line, then the squeal of the tether reeling in!

“Get ready!” Hisses Mitzi as she extends her STUN BATON. Being ready hardly prepares you for what you see, though--breaking through the water’s surface comes a soaking-wet SKELETON SOLDIER wearing swim goggles! Realizing the situation, he opens his mouth to scream an alert, but you interrupt him with a few BONE CLAWS to the head!

His warning dying in his non-existent throat, the marrow-filled marine tumbles back into the water as a familiar blue flame eats away his remains! Biting your lip, you turn and share an anxious look with your fellow boaters--they thinking what you thinking?

“There’s definitely more--stay alert!” Syb hisses, conjuring a few ARCANE BOLTS around her fingers!

...Oh yea, you were thinking about that too.

“We’re sitting ducks in this thing,” Mitzi mutters as she frantically scans the river, “so whatever we’re gonna do, we’d better do it fast!”

As if on cue, you hear two more ‘THUNKS’ on the bottom of the boat! You’re no mariner, but you’re pretty sure they have to do with those HARPOONS that just punched through the bottom of the boat!

As your heels feel the icy lick of November river water leaking through the holes, you glance between Syb and Mitz--not to worry, you’ve got a PLAN!

“We’re all ears!” Sybil whispers as she moves her boots from the growing layer of water at the bottom of the dinghy!

>I’ll CLIMB and SET UP the ROPE! They can’t follow us UP THE DAM!
>LY can be our SPOTTER--SYB can blast ‘em with those ARCANE BOLTS!
>No TIME--I’ll just DIVE IN and SLICE ‘EM.
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4849829
>LY can be our SPOTTER--SYB can blast ‘em with those ARCANE BOLTS!
Hmmmmm, can we also use the BOX OF ALL-OCCASION STICKERS from our inventory and try and patch the boat up?
>>
>>4849837
You can certainly try! There's a lot of stickers, after all!
>>
>>4849829
>LY can be our SPOTTER--SYB can blast ‘em with those ARCANE BOLTS!
>>
>>4849837
haha, +1
>>
>>4849837
Also +1ing this lmao
>>
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Wrapping up a meeting on my end, but I'll post an update soon! Here's the current results of the GANG POPULARITY CONTEST (EXCLUDING STAN AND LY) thus far!

ART is still the favorite with his 'comic relief' charm and encyclopedic knowledge of anime!

MITZI holds spot #2--guess some folks find her aloof nature sorta charming!

SYBIL takes third! One of Stan's oldest pals with a penchant for explaining crap and has a bit of a temper! We love her anyways!

I also love how Denise got no votes. Friggin' nerd.
>>
>>4849837
>>4849848
>>4849881
>>4849980
>Ly SPOTS, Syb SHOOTS, Stan STICKS!

Roll me 1d100 to see how well Ly and Syb work together! I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 45 (1d100)

>>4850300
>>
Rolled 85 (1d100)

>>4850300
>>
Rolled 37 (1d100)

>>4850300
>>
>>4850307
>>4850310
>>4850326
>Highest Roll: 85!

Writing!
>>
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Shooting a nervous glance at the new air holes in your until recently watertight boat, you turn to Ly first. His job will be finding these aquatic assmunches!

“Can do!” Ly replies with a salute!

Syb, you continue, your job will be firing some MAGIC where Ly tells you!

“Not a problem!” She whispers! As the two of them get to work, you sense Mitzi’s eyes burning a hole in the side of your head.

“Don’t wanna sound needy,” She hisses, frantically bailing water out of the boat as quietly as she can, “But what should I do?”

Exactly what she’s doing right now, you grin! As for you, well…

You retrieve the BOX OF STICKERS from your inventory and pop open the top, your eyes immediately landing on a cluster of SINKING BOAT-RELATED STICKERS! Man, when the box said ’Over 6 Million Situational Stickers’ they sure weren’t kidding, were they?

A battle brews as you and Mitzi struggle to plug the rapidly-increasing holes in your boat! By the time you plug one hole, the harpooners below you make a new one! What the hell are Ly and Syb doing?!

“Patience.” Syb answers as the ARCANE BOLTS floating around her hands slowly multiply! Chancing a look over the side of the still-sinking dinghy, confusion makes itself at home in your head again as you see the faint glimmer of Ly deep underwater flitting around like a cat chasing a laser pointer! What the HELL?

Trying and failing to keep up with Ly’s movements, you ignore your growing dizziness and focus on keeping the boat afloat. Slapping another ‘You Ever Get That SINKING FEELING?’ sticker onto a fresh hole, you see Ly rise from the water and nod to Syb. They aren’t dead yet, morons!

“You memorize ‘em all?” Ly asks, eliciting a silent nod from Sybil. Taking a deep breath, you watch as the swarm of ARCANE BOLTS gathers over her head before streaking into the river!

You and Mitzi prepare to plug another leak, but nothing happens! Before you can ask what’s up, your answer arrives in the form of several discarded pairs of swim goggles and military frog suits!

“That should do it.” Syb giggles as the aura around her dies down.

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4850455
Prodding a nearby suit, you raise an eyebrow her way--how the hell is stripping them going to help out?

“Preeeetty sure they’re ashes, Stan.” Mitzi mutters, poking at another suit. “That means you’re up.”

You unsheathe your BONE CLAWS excitedly--now we’re talkin’! As your two boatmates hold your stalwart vessel steady, you quickly measure the distance to the top of the dam--should be an easy climb!

“Just watch out for guards,” Syb reminds you, “it’d be best to remain undetected for as long as we can!”

Stabbing a claw into the cement, you grin at how easily your grip holds--it’s tough, sure, but at least it can support you! Turning your attention to your pals, you give them one last grin--Chin up, buttercup! Just keep an eye out for a rope!

Wedging your other claw into a higher point in the dam, you slowly but surely begin your ascent!

Roll 1d100+5 to climb! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 65 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4850458
>>
Rolled 99 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4850458
>>
Feel free to roll again if you already have--waiting on one last d100!
>>
Rolled 44 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4850458
>>
>>4850460
>>4850533
>>4850700
>Highest Roll: 104!

That will just about do it! Writing!
>>
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You take your time climbing the dam--wouldn’t want the cracking concrete to alert anyone above! Getting into the rhythm, your claws take you steadily upward towards the undoubtedly well-guarded walkway above. As you hear the sound of idle chatter from above, you silently thank whoever’s listening that none of the guards saw you on the boat--with luck you’ll be inside before any of them can see y-

“Careful, cupcake!” Ly’s warning comes just in time--you barely manage to pull yourself away as an entire chunk of wall breaks away from the dam and tumbles into the water next to Syb and Mitzi! Shooting you death glares, your friend’s expressions soften as they look at the gap left by the chunk. Curious, you take a look yourself and almost lose hold of your jaw!

“Holy CATS!” Ly whispers under his breath as you both survey what could very well be a scene out of an OSHA Inspector’s wet dream! Where there was once a slab of heavy-duty, Clearwater-protecting concrete sits a MAINTENANCE TUNNEL of some sort! Sure, there’s a few bits of rebar, some pipes, and a jumble of loose wiring, but behind that, well…

This is clearly your ENTRANCE.

Skittering inside like a spider, you duck under some of the pipes and wires and take a moment to peer down the tunnel for any signs of trouble. The service lights and silence tell you all you need to know--this place is DEAD!

Not wasting any time, you quickly tie your RATTY ROPE to a nearby pipe and toss it down for your pals before giving them a thumb’s up! Clearly eager to leave the boat, Syb and Mitzi grab a hold of the rope almost immediately, but pause as they catch some movement off by the river bank! Following their gaze, you spot Tucker, Eddie, and Talbot’s hulking form squatting between the trees--the former giving you a gesture that you can only assume means ‘What now, genius?

“They were set on hittin’ da’ top of da’ wall,” Ly reminds you, “But we could also ferry them over here! Might be tough for da’ big guy, though…”

You’re pretty good at communicating with limited vocabulary--what do you tell ‘em?

>SPLIT UP! They can find a way to the top of the wall and you’ll meet after!
>FERRY THEM OVER! Talbot can try to leap or something, right?
>This TUNNEL might be BAD NEWS--Go with the ORIGINAL PLAN and CLIMB to the TOP!
>WRITE-IN

You guys got 104--figured I'd actually reward you for rolling high for once!
>>
>>4850768
>SPLIT UP! They can find a way to the top of the wall and you’ll meet after!
>WRITE-IN

Ferry everyone else over except Talbot- we can hop down and travel with him. I'd hate to leave him alone, and between the two of us and our laser eyes we'll be fine- the rest can travel in the pipe and focus on actually stopping the damn thing while we make a damn good distraction climbing over the wall and sewing chaos.
>>
>>4850840
+1
Lets keep him on reserve for now, when we need a distraction we can radio to Denise to get him to start breaking shit when we need him too.
>>
>>4850840
>>4850973
Just some clarification here: do you guys wanna

A: Try sneaking in another way and have Talbot join you for a distraction if you're found while your pals try to stop the chemicals

or

B: Run a distraction with Talbot NOW while your pals try to stop the chemicals?
>>
>>4851039
I am voting B but if other Anon wants A then I can switch to A for the sake of moving things along.
>>
>>4851039
I'm voting for A here, I don't wanna show our hand too soon here. We've managed to break in pretty slick so far.
>>
In the interest of fairness I'm gonna leave this open for a little longer then--either way the vote goes it's a pretty big decision! It's also getting late for me, so I'll check back in around THURSDAY 6-7PM PST. Thanks for your clarifications and patience!
>>
>>4850768
>WRITE-IN: Enter DOOR B2
But actually,
>SPLIT UP! They can find a way to the top of the wall and you’ll meet after!
>>
>>4851039
I'll go for A
>>
>>4851039

>A

Double tag-team distraction time!!!
>>
>>4851042
>B

>>4851062
>>4851259
>>4852351
>A

Sorry for the lateness--let's whip this into an update! Writing!
>>
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Feeling a plan hatching in your head, you motion for the riverside crew to hold, then turn your attention to your fellow climbers!

“Let me guess,” Sybil huffs as she reaches the top of the rope, “you’ve got a plan.”

You nod--she’s gonna love it! You don’t have time to sneak around the whole dam together, but if you split up, well…

“... We could track down HAWKES and potentially stop the chemical simultaneously.” Sybil concludes, a mischievous smile forming on her pale face. “You’re right, Stan--I do love it.”

“Wait a second, are we splitting the teams again?” Mitzi asks, coming up the rope shortly after. Not quite, you respond, but you will be borrowing Talbot.

“... What for? He’s not exactly stealthy...” Syb replies, shooting a glance at the giant in question currently trying to hide his massive frame behind a shrub. You respond with a shrug--dude had no trouble tailing you out of sight before! Besides, you’re not taking him for green]SNEAK FACTOR![/green]

“Then what are you bringing Tall, Dark, and Homocidal for?” Mitzi asks, leaning against the side of the hole in the dam.

A manic grin forms on your face. INSURANCE.

SEVERAL LINES DESCRIBING BOATING LATER…

“Sure, that sounds reasonable!” Eddie replies, trying and failing to spin his shotgun. “Not used to changing plans right after the mission starts, but you’re the boss!”

You frown--part of you senses some passive-aggressiveness in there, but on the other hand Eddie’s so damn genial that he might genuinely mean that.

“It’s genuine.” Tucker interjects. “And you really oughta stop narrating random stuff out loud like that.”

Shrugging, you bring the two back to the present with a hard look--do they get the plan or not?

“Hit the tunnel with Syb and Mitz, take care of the chemicals, save the day, roll credits.” Eddie recites with a twinkle in his eye. “This movie’s gonna write itself!”

“Still gotta get out of this alive if you’re gonna write that first draft.” Tucker remarks. “And yea, the plan’s crystal clear.” The looter pulls out a radio from his pocket. “Snagged this from one of the boneheads on the way over--we’ll contact you on the same line Denise mentioned.”

Tapping your own radio, you nod--stay in touch!

With that the guys head for the boat, leaving you with your twelve foot ex-stalker. If he wasn’t so stoic you’d almost think he looked excited. Patting him on his BEEFY ARM, you place your hands on your hips--he knows the score too, so now all that’s left is to track down HAWKES.

>CHOICES IN NEXT POST! GET READY!
>>
>>4852723
The question is, what’s your means of EGRET?

"It's INGRESS, cupcake."

WHATEVER!

>The INTAKE PIPE! Talbot can get you through lickety-split if you hold your breath!
>The UPPER WALL! These guys were originally headed there anyways!
>The WOODS! Maybe you can bypass the dam’s defenses?
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4852727
>The UPPER WALL! These guys were originally headed there anyways!

Peek over the wall like the colossal titan
>>
>>4852727
>The UPPER WALL! These guys were originally headed there anyways!
>>
>>4852737
>>4852783
>TO THE WINDOOWWWW TO THE WALL!

Writing!
>>
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Staring past the rising sun at the top of the dam, you nod--it’s gotta be the wall.

“Remind me again why it’s gotta be da’ wall?” Ly asks as you begin climbing once more. It’s simple, really--if you get caught, you draw attention away from the others. If you don’t, well… You’ll have a pretty decent view of the rest of the dam!

Talbot stares at you wordlessly as you ascend like a dog watching their owner leave the house. You’re pretty sure he gets the plan, but a part of you can’t help but feel a little sorry for the guy…

“He’ll be fine,” Ly reassures you, “If anything these clowns think he’s still on their side--if you’re dead then what other job does he gotta do?”

You shrug--it’s a flimsy idea, but you’ll take it! Your body still hums with the CLIMBER’S HIGH as you scale the wall, but as you approach the top the sound of activity causes you to falter--you’re gonna have to be sneaky to get up there unseen!

ROLL 1d100+5 to CLIMB like a SPIDER! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 51 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4852874
>>
Rolled 77 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4852874
>>
Sorry folks, but it's getting late on my end--should have more time to update on Friday, though! I'll check back in for that sweet THIRD ROLL around FRIDAY 5-6PM PST! Hope to see you then!
>>
Rolled 8 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4852874
>>
>>4852878
>>4852884
>>4852924
>Highest Roll: 82!
Writing!
>>
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Being a LE PARKOUR MASTER, it’s only natural that climbing comes easy to you as well! Scampering up the wall like a lizard, you reach the top in mere seconds just in time to hear the tail-end of a conversation!

Helicopter team--respond!” Chancing a peek over the side, you quickly locate the source of the scratchy order: a radio tucked away inside a nearby skeleton’s pocket… A weirdly-dressed one at that!

“Can you turn that crap down already?” Scurrying behind a stack of ammo crates, you take cover as another soldier approaches wearing some sort of…

Water tank? Can’t see through it, though.

Holding a nozzle similar to a flamethrower’s close to his chest, the skeleton frowns impatiently at the other soldier dressed in buttoned pants, some sort of pirate hat, and…

Grey HAIR?!

“Mind that tongue, friend--’tis not but amusement while keeping the watch!” The soldier places what appears to be some sort of bolt-action rifle to the side before adjusting his radio.

“But if it brines your breeches then I shall show you courtesy.”

Helicopter team reporting.” Comes another, quieter voice from the skeleton’s pocket.

“How about showing the courtesy of not getting us killed?” The tank-wearing skeleton continues. “If those Rent-A-Cops are watching from the woods…”

Communication lost with Dam Base Team 3 and 4--get in the air for some recon.

Snagging the radio from the fancy soldier’s pocket, the tank skeleton hastily twists the knob on top and shoves it back into the previous owner’s hands.

“Loose lips sink ships, pal--try whistling Yankee Doodle if you’re bored!”

“Bottle your bluster, man, or I shall do to your thick skull what you did to this-”

Trotting away with an unimpressed ‘yeah, yeah’, the soldier leaves you alone with the dandy. As he reaches to retrieve his rifle, you cut to the chase and stick a trio of BONE CLAWS through the soldier’s tri-corner hat! After several trips into the concrete, a skull or two feels like child’s play--your weapons sink through the skeleton’s head night-instantaneously, prompting him to quickly burn away in a burst of blue flames! Giving the soldier's body a grim smile, you leave him with one last lazy salute!

Adios, FRENCHY!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4854286
Snagging his radio from the remains of his getup, you take note of the frequency and grin--CHANNEL 5. Convenient!

“Nice of them ta’ choose dat’ one…” Ly mutters. “Where we goin’, anyways?”

Not a bad question, you reply. Scanning your immediate area for signs of trouble, it doesn’t take long for you to make a list! Skeleton Soldiers of all shapes, sizes, and kits patrol the wall--several of which carry tanks similar to the one you just saw.

Helicopter team--we’re ready to launch.

The sudden crackle of a voice almost sends you leaping over the edge, but you calm yourself when you notice the radio again. As if on cue, you see an olive drab helicopter preparing for takeoff far along the dam, its side dominated by a passenger-operated turret!

“Dat’s not all…” Ly hisses, pointing closer. Four towers sit equidistant from each other on the top of the dam, and each one has a smattering of sandbags, tarp, and ammo crates stacked on top.

“Snipers,” Ly whispers, “a whole dam fulla’ them!”

Cursing under your breath, you survey the rest of the situation. Peeking from behind the crates of ammo you see one of three towers behind you, clearly marking the end of the dam. Down below you se-

WOAH!

“It’s just da’ other side of da’ dam, cupcake.” Ly groans as you steady yourself on the concrete. You don’t care, damn it--you’re HIGH UP! A creaking, rusty guardrail that must be two feet tops is all that separates you from a long, long drop to the base of the dam where a cluster of buildings sit brimming with activity! Two buildings bordering the river have ELECTRIC WIRES running from them--chances are those are where the TURBINES are…

“And dat’ must be da’ TREATMENT CENTER.” Ly guesses, pointing a boney finger at a long, warehouse-sized building near where downstream begins.

A look of displeasure forms on your face--you weren’t expecting this place to be so DAM big! Where are you supposed to start?!

>Take down the SNIPERS--that will give you some wiggle room!
>Head into a TOWER--that might take you lower!
>Radio THE GANG--maybe they know where they are!
>Just SLIDE DOWN THE DAM--quickest way!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4854288
>Take down the SNIPERS--that will give you some wiggle room!
>>
>>4854314
>CRUSH THE CAMPERS!
WRITING!
>>
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Snipers, you hiss through your teeth, what a bunch of jerks. You’ve played enough games to know that these guys are gonna have to go before anything else, but…

You duck behind your ammo crate again as a pair of skeletons march by.

..As you were saying, this place is crowded--it’s like trying to sneak through a mall or something!

“Let’s just start with one then,” Ly suggests before pointing to the tower at your end of the dam, “starting with THIS side.”

You shrug--it’s certainly worth a shot! Any boneheads you waste before they notice you is a win in your book! Doing your best to memorize the patterns of the patrols along the dam, you draw a mental BULLSEYE on the nearest tower--it ain’t gonna be easy, but you’ll at least have some options once you get there!

… The question is, how do you get there? You could try to snuff out a few skeletons on the way via the path, but that runs the risk of being seen by their pals or the snipers! You could probably creep along the side of the wall too, but if someone notices you, well…

You feel a lump form in your throat as your eyes meet the edge of the dam again.

…It’s a long way down.

How do you proceed?
>Move along the PATH--STEALTH-KILL EVERYONE!
>Creep along the WALL--you’ll be harder to see there!
>Maybe an ITEM or two can help?
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4854446
>Move along the PATH--STEALTH-KILL EVERYONE!

Where's Talbot at again btw?
>>
>>4854446
>Move along the PATH--STEALTH-KILL EVERYONE!
>>
>>4854461
Talbot, to your knowledge, is faffing about out of sight waiting for you to A) Move somewhere else and/or B) Mess up so that he can wreck some shit. Talbot isn't very sneaky, as you can imagine. He'll probably be nearby if you signal to him, though.

>>4854461
>>4854476
>Press F to Stealth Kill

We're on our way to the first tower--please Roll me 1d100 to murder your way to the first tower where a sniper lives! Lots of folks in your way, so bonuses are basically nil. I'll take the BEST of 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 3 (1d100)

>>4854533
Channel our inner Liquid Snake, Shart Snake so to speak
>>
Rolled 61 (1d100)

>>4854533
Channeling Shart Snake
>>
>>4854559
He is Silent, Deadly, Liquid, and Solid.
>>
Rolled 92 (1d100)

>>4854533
>>
>>4854547
>>4854559
>>4854568
>Highest Roll: 92!

Quite the turnaround! I'm passing out at the desk right now, though, so I'll write the update SATURDAY around 9-10AM PST! Thanks for rolling and hope to see you then!
>>
https://youtu.be/bnerisonITQ

You feel a grin form on your face. Pfft, are you KIDDING? You used to sneak around the park in your LARPING days all the time--you can take down a few heavily-armed highly-trained undead warriors with a hard-on for putting you into the ground…

...Yea, let’s just do this before you psych yourself out of it. The two patrolmen that pass by your hiding spot are the first to go--they’ve got at least one head on you in height, but you’re able to angle your hands so that they essentially walk into your claws. Before their effects even hit the ground, you’re scampering down the wall to the next poor goofs who forgot to look behind them--a pair of skeletons in Civil War outfits, from the looks of things. Before they can sound off with any endearing character traits they’re dissolving into piles of blue flames. Too easy!

As you continue your grim chore down towards the end of the dam, you glance nervously at the sniper’s nest in the tower up ahead--if he saw you there’d be a LASER or something, right? Isn’t that how it works in video games?

“Focus, cupcake,” Ly hisses as you stick another set of claws through a patrolman who decided to focus on the river, “we don’t wanna stop an’ find out!”

By the time you’ve carved through another slew of troops, the helicopter from earlier has already made its way downstream. Part of you appreciates the distraction, but…

“But what if they scare da’ General inta’ action?” Ly concludes. Yanking your right hand claws out of another soldier’s brainbox, you nod--you know the guy was gonna do it anyways, but won’t this scare him or something?

“All da’ more reason we track him an’ his little science project down.” Ly counters. “Besides, da’ others are already workin’ on dat’, right?”

You shrug. Hopefully! Back to reality--you carve a few more jack-o-lanterns before reaching the base of the tower closest to the end of the dam, the end in question blocked off by a guardhouse and a massive razor-wire-topped gate. Guess it was pretty imposing before THE SKELETON TROUBLES.

In any case, you’re here now--looking back rewards you with a breadcrumb trail of military surplus strewn about the dam’s wall like their owners decided to go skinny dipping. You feel Ly press against the inside of your head and let out a low whistle.

“Cripes, Stan… That’s gotta be at least ten goons right there!” You nod, impressed with yourself. Maybe you could become an INTERNATIONAL ASSASSIN after this or something! You’ve certainly got the qualifications by now!

“One step at a time, Agent 24…” Ly chuckles. “Now we gotta worry about da’ rest of da’ dam getting whiff of us.”

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4855190
You always hate to say it, but he’s right--in the grand scheme of things you’ve only cleaned out one tiny sliver of the pizza here, and you’d bet your bottom dollar that the rest of the soldiers and snipers will see your handiwork soon if they already haven’t! Looking to the tower with grim determination, you quickly brainstorm how to get to the sniper in the hasty nest built on top.

“Climbin’s probably da’ best bet,” Ly suggests, “doesn’t look like dat’ thing’s connected to da’ actual tower, so you can probably get in through da’ viewports”

True, but that gives you an idea as well--why not just bust in from the TOP? You’ll surely get the drop on him then!

“We could also just head into da’ dam.” Ly mutters. “They’ll know we’re here eventually, but if we’re inside those snipers can’t do anything to us or our pals…”

What’s the plan?
>Head INSIDE--you’ll let the snipers off THIS time…
>CLIMB INTO the sniper nest! Riskier, but easier access!
>BURST THROUGH THE TOP of the nest! Might take some doing, but you’ll get the drop on the guy!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4855192
>CLIMB INTO the sniper nest! Riskier, but easier access!
>>
>>4855192
>CLIMB INTO the sniper nest! Riskier, but easier access!
>>
>>4855192
>CLIMB INTO the sniper nest! Riskier, but easier access!
>>
>>4855228
>>4855235
>>4855307
>Sniper Surprise!

Sorry, got carried away with RE8! Let's see how well you spook the sniper--ROLL ME 1d100+5, please! I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

As per usual, feel free to give some descriptions if you like of how you'd hop into a sniper nest undetected--there are four openings and a roof, all of which are fortified by sandbags. Happy hunting!
>>
Rolled 78 (1d100)

>>4855489
We can claw our way through the floor from underneath.
>>
Rolled 3 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4855489
>>
Rolled 91 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4855489
>>
>>4855495
>>4855505
>>4855523
>Highest Roll: 96

Well okay then! Writing!
>>
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A thought occurs as you approach the tower--a quick slice of the lock and an absence of any surviving guards allows you to take a look inside--a stairway leads deeper into the belly of the proverbial beast, but the ceiling above…

Let’s just say it ain’t concrete.

MEANWHILE A FEW FEET ABOVE…

Dustin rubs the lucky coin he picked up in Khe Sanh between his boney fingers--if he rubbed it long enough, he thought to himself, he might just feel it again. No dice. Shaking his boney head, the skeleton turns his attention again to the dam wall. The briefing told them that Parble operated quietly--command had her pegged as some sort of foreign plant. Russian? Chinese?

The possibilities caused the old sniper’s head to spin--that kind of thinking would make him hesitate. No need to remind himself what happens when you do that. Adjusting his rifle to avoid the glare of the morning sun, Dustin peers through his scope again and frowns--not the same without a spotter, that’s for damn sure. As his telescopic gaze runs along the side, something catches his eye--a pile of combat fatigues lying forgotten along the wall.

And another.

And ANOTHER.

He couldn’t sweat anymore, but Dustin felt nervous, and when he felt nervous he checked his traps--that’s how it always was. He started with the ones to his left--most people turn right first, but not him. Sure enough, the old soup cans he found on the way over attached to strings remained unshook--it was almost eerie how still they were. Satisfied, he turns to the right--same deal.

The traps behind him were silent as the grave, too, as were the tacks he laid out on the roof. Simple, sure, but simple works. Simple always works. The last item on the list, naturally, was the shotgun trap laid out along the back viewport--he’d almost killed himself with that little number countless times before--if anyone planned on getting in, Dustin would know it.

His position was secure, and yet he still felt uneasy. Better safe than sorry, he mumbles, reaching for the radio on his hip. He’d turned it off to keep his position unknown, but desperate times call for desperate measures…

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4855637
Like a shark grabbing a seal, you TEAR through the ceiling into the sniper’s nest and eviscerate the unsuspecting shooter from below! Showering the nest with bone bits, you don’t even give the poor schmuck a chance to scream. Good, you growl to yourself with a grim smile on your face, no chance of alerting his buddies! Brushing the dust off of your coveralls, you clap the rest of the debris off of your gloves with satisfaction--not bad, huh?

“If I was dat’ guy, I’d be terrified, cupcake!” Ly replies, his voice swelling with pride. “An’ now we got a whole SNIPER NEST to ourselves!”

You nod as you take in the view--this place is almost better than your apartment! Cheaper, too. Rifling through your shark attack victim’s remains, your grubby mitts are rewarded with what appears to be some sort of BOLT-ACTION SCOPED RIFLE, the word REGGINGTON stenciled onto its wooden stock. Nifty! You also snag some sort of COIN NECKLACE from the pile on the ground--could be worth a few bucks at a pawn shop!

Thoroughly settled in, you turn your attention to the rest of the dam and frown--how the heck have they not seen you yet? You took out this whole section and this is what you get?

“Only a matter of time, cupcake.” Ly hisses. “Da’ question is, what’s next?”

Indeed, you reply, thoughtfully rubbing your chin. You did see that GATE earlier--chances are you can rendezvous with Talbot from there. That being said, you DO have a rifle--non-silenced if your video game knowledge serves you well, but serviceable nonetheless. You could use it to pick off the others while there’s still time.

“We could also take da’ long route and knock out da’ rest of ‘em like we did here,' ' Ly suggests, “but I dunno… I feel like someone’s gonna get a whiff of us eventually.”

Yea, you huff, or those goofballs you sent downstairs. You’re surprised they haven’t been caught already!

“Not a bad idea either, kiddo.” Ly nods. “We can get a headstart downstairs before these others sound da’ alarm.”

All good options, but which is the best?
>Get TALBOT from the GATE. Not as stealthy, but you’ll have MUSCLE.
>SNIPE some JERKS! Thin ‘em out!
>STEALTH to the OTHER SECTIONS! It worked before!
>Head DOWNSTAIRS NOW! They haven’t seen you yet!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4855638
>Head DOWNSTAIRS NOW! They haven’t seen you yet!
Lets note the positions of everything we see as well. Lets try and not give up the element of suprise just yet though, first we do our best Mission Impossible impression and stealth through this place.
>>
>>4855764
>Delve deep!

Writing!
>>
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One thing’s for sure--the sooner you take down the general, the sooner you all get to go home. Good Boy gave you a distraction--time to make sure it doesn’t go to waste! Snagging the COIN NECKLACE and the REGGINGTON BOLT-ACTION for later shenanigans, you duck through the hole you came through and head back to where you saw the stairs leading downwards.

Several steps later you realize that there’s not much in the way of tourist attractions here--once you head down the first flight you emerge into a yawning abyss blocked off by fencing that extends far below, most likely to the foot of the dam!

“Guess dis’ is where da’ elevators were too…” Ly muses, pointing to the cables descending into the darkness. Bordering the elevator cables is a sprawling stairway, but your angle makes it hard to see just what’s set up along the way. A few steps away sits the elevator entrance, but pressing the call button does nothing save for playing an annoyed buzzing noise. Typical!

As you make to open the door to the rest of the stairs downward, you stop at the RED and WHITE emergency paint on the door’s handle. Following a cable attached to the door, you quickly find its destination--an alarm bell and a matching strobe light with the word ‘EMERGENCY’ painted on the front. Smart of them to put in alarms!

“We could always shimmy down da’ cables,” Ly mutters, clearly thinking aloud, “but if they’ve got patrols on da’ stairs we’ll be sittin’ ducks through dis’ fence…”

Running your fingers along the metal fence separating you from an exceptionally speedy one-time trip to the bottom of the dam, you notice something else near the elevators--a door barely as wide as you marked with the word ‘MAINT’.

“Probably where they keep da’ paint an’ cleanin’ supplies.” Ly scoffs. “Maybe if we’re lucky da’ rest of da’ team cleared dis’ place out already!”

The options are absolutely dizzying, but you’re already on borrowed time! What’s the plan?
>CUT the FENCE and CLIMB the CABLES!
>CUT the FENCE but DESCEND the STAIRS!
>CHECK the MAINTENANCE DOOR!
>LEAVE--maybe there’s a better way down?
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4855950
>CHECK the MAINTENANCE DOOR!
>>
>>4855950
>WRITE-IN
Drop the coin necklace over the railing. If it takes less than 5 seconds to hear a sound, just jump down and rely on our ROCKABILLY RIBS to tank the fall. If it takes more than 5 seconds to hear a sound, then

>CUT the FENCE but DESCEND the STAIRS!
>>
>>4855950
>CHECK the MAINTENANCE DOOR!
Never leave a Janitors den untouched
>>
>>4856214
>>4856243
>To the Janitor Cave!

>>4856235
Coin Trick!

Writing!
>>
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Cracking your neck, you trot towards the MAINTENANCE DOOR with renewed purpose. Never leave a janitor’s den untouched, right Ly?

“Words ta’ live by, kid.” Your skeleton replies knowingly. “At da’ very least we might find somethin’ useful.”

In a surprising act of forethought the door is locked, but in a surprising lack of forethought they neglected to stress-test it against BONE CLAWS! As the lock mechanism tumbles to pieces, you’re greeted by a broom closet stacked to the ceiling with dust-covered cardboard boxes, most of them full given the looks of them.

“Don’t sneeze--we don’t want these tumbling onta’ ya.” Ly warns as you run a hand over the boxes. Several labels jump out at you--’TOWELS’, ‘TOILET PAPER’, ‘STAPLES’... Where’s the GOLDEN MOP?! The INCREDIBLY PERTINENT NOTE WITH ALL THE LORE ON IT? It’s like whoever made this thing wasn’t expecting you to show up!

“Pretty chilly too!” Ly mutters, crossing your arms over your chest. “Ya’ think they have ice cream in here or somethin’?”

You pout. Knowing this place you DOUBT it… You’d be more likely to find a SKELETON AMBUSH in these things. Speaking of ambush, you decide it’s as good of a time as any to check on your handiwork over the airwaves. Clicking your RADIO to CHANNEL 5, your ears are immediately assaulted by excited chatter!

-are you late with your status report?!” You and Ly recoil at the sudden anger in the speaker’s voice!

“He don’t sound happy…”

No, you mutter, he doesn’t. Adjusting the volume to just above silent, you and your skeleton listen in for a response, but nothing comes!

... There’s something wrong. Backup unit, investigate the west branch of the dam’s wall and report. Use caution!

You smack your palm against your forehead! D'OH!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4856398
Swearing under your breath, you switch your radio to CHANNEL 4 and whisper into the receiver as quietly as you can--do any of your pals read you?

Stan?” Buzzes Denise’s grating voice. “G-good to hear from you! Are you well?

No, this is MITZI, nerd! Put Stan on!” Cutting in between them, you ask for a status report--were they found?

N-n-not yet!” Denise replies with a hint of pride! “T-that helicopter’s been buzzing around for a while, though--a-and we’ve heard explosions…

We’re near the base of the dam now.” Mitzi adds, pausing just in time for you to hear the now-dull noise of a skull being crushed. “Be thorough, Eddie--that’s a good boy. Yea, boss, it’s a WASP’S NEST down here--soldiers all over the place! We’ve just been following the pipes, but no signs of any CHEMICALS yet. We’ll give you a ring when something happens!

T-Talbie should be close by too, Stan!” Denise adds. “I-If you’re caught, just yell for him!

Oh you’ll yell alright, you mutter under your breath. The conversation goes quiet after that--looks like your time limit just got smaller. Still, at least your pals are okay, right?

What’s next, though?
>SEARCH ALL THE BOXES! It’s worth the time!
>SMASH THE BOXES! Loud, but efficient!
>HEAD OUTSIDE and DO SOMETHING in the STAIRWELL!
>ASK YOUR GANG a QUESTION!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4856400
>Take a big box to hide underneath and go down the stariwell.
>>
Gonna call it for tonight, folks--should be back SUNDAY around 3-4PM PST due to errands! Thanks again for playing and hope to see you TOMBORROW!
>>
>>4856423
>>4856400
+1
>SMASH THE BOXES! Loud, but efficient!
Alright lets get hustling
>>
>>4856400
>WRITE-IN
They're gonna figure out whats going on at the dam soon- we need something big to pull them outside of the dam and buy more time.

Have Denise tell Talbot to laser down the helicopter. Should keep the van safe and cause a big enough scene to draw soldiers out to investigate if all goes well
>>
>>4856819
I like this as well, shits starting to go hot
>>
>>4856423
>>4856434
>>4856819
>SMASH BOXES!
>HAVE TALBOT BLOW UP THE HELICOPTER!
>TAKE A BOX FOR YOURSELF!

Sorry for the wait! Writing!
>>
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You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something in your head is telling you that these boxes need to die. Before you begin, however, another devious, albeit more pressing thought reaches your brain. Thumbing the call button on your RADIO again, you quietly ask if Denise is still lurking on the other end--you’ve got a FAVOR to ask!

O-Of course!” Replies the doctor’s whiny voice. “M-me and Kiki are awaiting your o-orders! Y-you’re gonna l-l-love the work on your phone!

You frown--you aren’t talking about that, damn it! And keep it down--she might get Mitzi and the others killed!

“Huh?” Mitzi asks, voice crackling through the speaker along with the sound of another impact against bone. SSSH! You weren’t talking to her!

I’m s-sorry!” Denise yelps! “Y-you and Mitzi can t-talk all you need..

Damn it, NO! You’re-SHEESH this is confusing, you growl as you run a hand down your cheek in exasperation! You wanted to ask about Talbot--can Denise give him commands, or whatever? You get a noncommittal whine in response. Gotta try harder than that, nerd.

I-I-I can try… I d-don’t have my equipment any more and he seems to be a bit more autonomous than before, but the neural impulse rig we wired to him should allow some form of sugges-

ENGLISH, NERD!” You shout, prompting a hushed curse from Mitzi over the radio. Whoops!

I-I can probably give him orders!” Denise replies, shuffling through what you assume to be tools on her end. “Anything in par-particular?

You nod--you’ve got a feeling the guards are catching on to your little game. If Talbot shoots down that helicopter it should draw the guards away for a little bit. The scientist responds with an uncharacteristically malevolent giggle.

Y-YES! Wh-what a great idea! I’ll see what I can do--if you hear something happening outside then it worked--I’ll radio you back regardless!

The good doctor signs off with one last creepy giggle. Freaky AND annoying--you can’t decide which you hate more!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4857752
You mutter a quick ‘thanks’ before turning your attention back to the boxes. Extending your BONE CLAWS, you prepare for a little boxing, no holds barred! Being stationary they hardly put up a fight save for a rogue stapler that bonks you on the head. By the time you’re done, though, the closet is free of the cardboard menace and now home to one humongous mess! Good think you aren’t the dam’s janitor!

“Well I’ll be… Look, Stan!” Following where Ly points your hand, you’re rewarded with a breath of fresh air--quite a few, actually! Hiding behind the tatters of toilet paper and paper towels sits a VENT COVER--one that you hope leads towards your destination! Approaching it with interest, you freeze in place as you notice a box lying folded on the ground, the words ’JUST JANITOR’ emblazoned on the side along with an appropriately-goofy mascot. Picking it up off the ground, you flap it in the air a little bit to test it out--looks like the box is pretty big! Glancing around the room mischievously, you unfold it and hop in, closing the flaps behind you!

“You uh…” Ly begins, “You havin’ fun, cupcake?”

Peeking through the flaps at the outside world, you nod in satisfaction. Yes, you reply, yes you ARE.

As per the norm now, the world decides to take your fun and kick it out the figurative ‘window’. The safe confines of your BOX LAIR shake as you hear the sound of something big and loud firing outside! Abandoning your sanctuary, you cautiously return upstairs and peek through the door to the dam wall where a host of skeleton soldiers watch in terror as their helicopter spins towards the forest, its fuselage sporting a brand-new white-hot breathing hole! You don’t bother to stick around for the finale--something tells you you know how this one ends. Returning to your box, the stairwell, and your previous options, you brace yourself against the wall as a massive impact rocks the dam!

Stan! It-it-i-it WORKED!” Cheers the radio at your side! “I-I told Talbie to relocated further into the forest--with l-luck the soldiers will be distracted for a bit!
Not bad, you reply as you stuff your STEALTHY BOX into your pocket! Now you just need to save the day! The question is, how do you get there?

>CLIMB DOWN the ELEVATOR CABLES!
>DESCEND the STAIRS--watch out for alarms!
>TRY the VENT!
>HEAD outside!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4857758
>TRY the VENT!
Finally, we can be Shart Snake for real with our new box!

Also love the picture- happy Stan is blessed
>>
>>4857758
>TRY the VENT!
It's been a really rough and long day for Stan, she needs to VENT!
>>
>>4857795
>>4857808
>An unexpected eVENT!

Writing!
>>
The VENT, of course! Every movie hero uses the vents to get around--that’s a FACT!

“To be fair, so do Movie Monsters.” Ly adds as you rip the vent cover from the wall! You shrug--some days you’re the hero, some days you’re the monster. That earns you a playful chuckle from your bones as you creep into the new passageway.

“That… That was almost poignant, cupcake.”

Of course it’s important--YOU said it! The cold metal of the vent chills your hands through your gloves as you crawl deeper towards what you hope is your destination. Unlike other vent forays, this one almost seems clean… Smooth, even!

“I give it a 50/50 chance.” Ly wagers as he peers further ahead in his ASTRAL FORM. “Besides, we gotta head down, yea? Where else could da’ chemical be?”

Leaning back a bit as the vent slants slightly downwards, you sigh--if the others haven’t found it yet then it’s gotta be near the bottom! This thing can’t be that big, right?

“It is a dam, kiddo.” Ly counters as he returns to your body. “Let’s just hope dat’ distraction did its job…”

Nodding, you stumble a bit as your hand slips on the slick vent surface! The hell!?

“How dusty is dis’ thing?!” Ly growls as he tries to help you grab onto the sides! It’s too late, though--your stumble turns into a full-blown tumble as the vent dips down at an even STEEPER angle sending you hurtling downwards! Talk about an express route!

“HANG ONTA’ SOMETHIIIIIIN’!” Ly howls!

ROLL 1d100-5 to GET A GRIP! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
>>4857857
Sorry, supposed to be 1d100+5!
>>
Rolled 80 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4857857
>>
Rolled 73 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4857857
>>
Rolled 84 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4857857
>>
>>4857874
>>4857877
>>4857952
>Highest Roll: 89!

Writing the last roll of the evening!
>>
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Flailing at the sides of the vent like a cat falling out of a tree, you manage to get a grip with your claws an-

Whoops, they cut through. Hey, that’s okay--you’ll just get a handful of this part over he-

Nope. Man, this thing is flimsy! You could probably break these vents with bad language!

“FAN!” Ly shouts as he tries to help you stop spinning like a top. Yes, Ly, you get that he’s your fan, now help grab some more vent, plea-

“No! FAAAAN!

In your mad tumble towards what you assume to be the ground, you manage to get a glimpse of what Ly’s referring to--a row of THREE MASSIVE FANS approaches you at about the speed you’re falling-

Oh wait, they’re staying still. YOU’RE the one approaching. You really should have paid more attention during Physics, huh? If you spit right now would you beat it to the blades? Worth a sh-

“SHUT UP AN’ GRAB SOMETHING!” Ly shrieks as he frantically shakes your head! Shook from your last train of thought, you snarl--dude’s gonna give you a SORE NECK!

“Dat’s gonna give us a SHORT NECK! HURRY!”

Right, the fans. Gripping both sides of the vent with your claws and boots, you feel your descent slow down ever so surely, but it’s NOT ENOUGH!

“I can’t watch!” Ly whimpers as the distance closes between you and the blades! Panicking, your FEMININE INTUITION kicks into high gear and whips up a plan!

Losing control of your fall again, you tumble head over heels into the center of the fans, smashing against the center with your booted feet! A dull ‘SQUEAK’ rings through the ventilation system as you crash through the fans, sending you and a shower of metal and dust careening downwards into a series of zig-zagging ducts! Not much of a plan, FEMININE INTUITION!

Like a fleshy pinball, you and your new scrap metal entourage roll into the end of your wild ride: a huge circular grate fastened over what appears to be…

WATER?!

>CONTD
>>
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>>4858045
You don’t have much time to think--slamming into the grate at terminator velocity stops the falling, but presents a new problem:

“... It’s groaning, isn’t it.”

… Yep.

“We’re gonna fall, aren’t we, cupcake?”

… Yeeeeep.

You really oughta buy some lottery tickets at this point with how well you’re predicting things lately! Sure enough, something metal holding the grate up falls out, and you barely have time for a panicked yelp before the whole damn thing swings downwards and dangles over the churning currents below!

“Stan, look! Dat’ must be da’ INTAKE FLOW!” Ly reports. You scoff--what is he, a DAMOLOGIST now or something?

“I’m more of a Getusouttaherealiveologist, really--look over there!” Following where he points your head, you see a few things of interest:

A CATWALK along the intake flow sits below you to the left--it looks about as sturdy as the grate you’re currently hanging onto for dear life, but the METAL HATCH near the end of it leading into the chamber wall looks pretty nifty right about now!

Not to be outdone, you also see some sort of CONTROL ROOM overlooking things. Not the easiest jump, but if you could get in…

Oooh! Oooh! Crazy idea time, you add as you tighten your grip on the swinging grate, what if you just hop into the CURRENT and let it take you to the TREATMENT CENTER? Sure, it looks cold, but-

“But we won’t have ta’ worry about dat’ when we flow headfirst into a turbine. GREAT PLAN.”

Alright, clearly Ly’s just in Shoot-Down mode today, so it looks like the decision’s on you. Again.

>Hop to the CATWALK! That HATCH will take you to safety!
>Leap to the CONTROL ROOM! It’s not that far!
>Take a DIP in the CURRENT! It could be a direct route!
>WRITE-IN
>>
That's all for tonight, folks--should be ready for another update on MONDAY around 5-6PM PST! Thank you all for playing/reading! Hopefully I'll see you TOMBorrow!
>>
>>4858048
This raft brings back unpleasant memories.
>Hop to the CATWALK! That HATCH will take you to safety!
We have nothing to really do in the control room.
>>
>>4858048
>Hop to the CATWALK! That HATCH will take you to safety!
>>4858098
We can probably stop the dam to delay the plan, but I think the catwalk is safer.
>>
>>4858380
The plan doesn't hinge on the dam working.
>>
>>4858388
ah yeah, nevermind then.
>>
>>4858048
>Hop to the CATWALK! That HATCH will take you to safety!
>>
>>4858048
>Leap to the CONTROL ROOM! It’s not that far!
Well, if we just stop the turbines then we can swim directly to the source.
>>
>>4858707
This is a good point. Changing my vote to this
>>
>>4858707
We'll have to somehow swim through the turbines though. And what if someone restarts them while we're inside?
>>
>>4858757
Ly will be able to see if we have a clear route or not.
>>
>>4858098
>>4858380
>CATWALK!

>>4858707
>>4858735
>CONTROL ROOM!

Looks like we're still at an impasse--between these two options which one seems better? I'd rather not roll the dice so I'll narrow things down a bit.

>A) HOP to the CATWALK!
>B) LEAP to the CONTROL ROOM!

I'll check back in a little bit and go from there. Thanks for your patience and participation!
>>
>>4859242
>B) LEAP to the CONTROL ROOM!
>>
>>4859242
>B) LEAP to the CONTROL ROOM!
>>
>>4859248
>>4859288
>CONTROL ROOM!

Works for me! Please roll me a 1d100+5 to make the hop! I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 1 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4859363
>>
>>4859366
>NAT 1!

Writing!
>>
Rolled 29 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4859386
Don't you dare write I can get a 100 I just know it
>>
Rolled 77 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4859386
The last roll was a warm up
>>
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Eyeballing the CONTROL ROOM, you silently make a few calculations in your head: how much ’OOMPH’ you’re gonna need, distance, wind resistance, all that good stuff. Once you’ve got a pretty good idea of where you’re going, you take a deep breath before pushing off the grate!

The moment your feet push against the already creaky foothold, you know something’s wrong. With a fed-up screech of metal, the whole damn thing tumbles from the few nuts and bolts still holding it up, sending you both tumbling into the dark water below!

Not willing to let you off easy, the rusty grate leaves you with one last memento. As you let out a panicked ‘oh CRAP!’ you feel something akin to a sledgehammer crash into the back of your leg--your beefy bones shrug off most of the damage, but it still hurts, damn i-

Your indignance is interrupted when you plunge into the icy, turbulent water running through the tunnel! The sudden chill saps the air from your lungs as you dip below the surface, and before you can grasp for the sides, you feel yourself being carried towards something big.

REALLY big.

In better circumstances you would have put some of those SWIMMING GOGGLES on, but this wasn’t exactly a planned dip, so here you are. A set of fast, blurry objects whip through the water ahead, and something tells you they aren’t pool strainers!

“Guess we’re going wit’ your idea…” Ly mutters as you struggle to regain control! “Watch OUT!”

Roll 1d100-5 to SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 24 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4859425
>>
Rolled 41 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4859425
>>
Rolled 52 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4859425
Captcha asked me for pictures of boats, cheeky asshole
>>
>>4859426
>>4859430
>>4859433
>Highest Roll: 48!

Writing!
>>
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Whoops, meant 47!

The mystery blur yanks you closer like a whirlpool as you kick and paddle with every ounce of strength you have! The little amount of air in your lungs burns as you struggle to free yourself from the current, but despite all of your straining, you just can’t seem to break free!

Something gives in your chest as you simply run out of breath, rewarding you with a mouthful of water. Gasping for air, a moment of hesitation is all it takes for you to be intercepted by a blurry object hurtling through the water at breakneck speed! You raise your arms to defend yourself, but it’s too late--whatever the mysterious structure is, it doesn’t feel like pulling its punches. What little air remained in your lungs is knocked out as the thing slams into your chest with the force of a truck! Wrapped around what you think might be a propeller of sorts, your body is wracked with a burning pain as your vision grows dim--oh right, the drowning. Crap.

“...ye!”

You manage a lazy blink. Wha… Ly?

EYE!

Something clicks in your head as you hear that word, and with the little strength you have left you try to focus TALBOT’S EYE on what you hope is the object pulling you along!

ROLL 1d100 to ZAP yourself free! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS! Good luck!
>>
Rolled 26 (1d100)

>>4859465
Eye think we have a problem here
>>
Rolled 69 (1d100)

>>4859465
Despite all our rage we are still just a Stan in a cage!
>>
Rolled 52 (1d100)

>>4859465
Told you guys it was a bad idea.
>>
>>4859470
>>4859473
>>4859478
>Highest Roll: 69! ; )

Writing!
>>
>>4859478
I think the result would've been the same even going the other option with a nat 1
>>
>>4859488
We probably wouldn't even had to roll for the catwalk, since it was explicitly the "easier" path. Quests more fun this way, so I don't mind, but catwalk was probably the better option.
>>
In the interest of maintaining a light atmosphere, you would have had to roll to hop to the catwalk as well, but it would have been an easier jump. That said, the results would be pretty similar if you rolled a 1. Congrats on staying alive, though! Knew you could do it!

Update in a jiff.
>>
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You feel your face heating up as your vision fades--so this is it, huh? You die in a stupid DAM!? What kind of moron does that? Maybe some dumb kid who fell over the railing or something, but not you! You’ve got so much to experience!

Your practice earlier pays off--it stings like hell, but you feel the water around your face start to bubble as your eye swells with heat and light!

You think you hear a smash… Whatever happens, it sends you flailing out from behind whatever you were trapped on and through something HARD! By the time you’re conscious again, you find yourself lying in a puddle on the floor of a massive room with waves of pain throbbing through your back! Groaning, you roll over and survey the damages--the first thing you notice is some sort of bulb-shaped machine, its side popped open like flower petals with smoke billowing through the gap.

That’s when you notice you’re not alone. A low, menacing chuckle welcomes your return to the living as the blurriness clears from your eyesight.

“Well well well, boys… Looks like we caught a WHOPPER.

Coughing up a bit more water, you glance in the direction of the voice and let out a low groan…

Your nose wrinkles at the smell of smoke from the corn cob pipe being smoked on the central platform above you. Struggling to your feet, your eyes fall upon the tall, painfully-stiff form of GENERAL HAWKES along with a host of GOO-TANK WEARING SOLDIERS! Taking another long puff, the general lets out a slow, sadistic chuckle as he peers over his dark aviators at your hunched form.

“Took ya long enough. I’ll admit, Parble, I’d be lying if I said I saw that kind of maneuver before. Guess it takes all kinds!”

Rising to your full height, you quickly scan the room--the center where Hawkes and his men stand is dominated by a series of tanks, each of them connected to a foreboding canister. The one you burst out of lies a few feet away, still smoking from your shake-and-bake escape maneuver. A large, rectangular catwalk bordered by several doors looms above, topped only by the massive skylight from where the morning sun shines in above you.

Reaching for your RADIO, your hand returns with a handful of crushed plastic and circuitry. Letting the pieces tumble to the damp concrete floor, your pained expression elicits another round of laughter from the general and his entourage!

“Sorry, freak, but there’s no cavalry coming to bail you out of this one--Simkin’s made sure of that. Corporal?”

At the general’s gesture, the doors leading into the chamber are covered by metal gates! Taking a few steps backwards, you find your back pressing against the wall.

Dang it!

“A for Effort, Parble, but wars are won by armies, not people. Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll let your remains enlist!”

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4859510
You’re at a loss here--you don’t like the looks of those GOO GUNS, but he’s right--you’re outnumbered. Gotta use the ole’ noodle here!

>Get him MONOLOGUING! SAY SOMETHING! (Dialogue options to follow)
>Get to COVER! You’re a sitting duck right now!
>You’ve got the ELEMENT of SURPRISE--ATTACK!
>WRITE-IN
>>
I hate to be a downer after getting to the juicy part, but I've been feeling off since I got home and now I'm just downright wiped. I'll leave this decision open until TUESDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST. Sorry about the lame updates today--I'll try to be in better writing condition tomorrow! Thank you all again for playing and I hope to see you then!
>>
>>4859511
>You’ve got the ELEMENT of SURPRISE--ATTACK!
"How does it feel getting owned by vietnamese farmers using sticks and holes in the ground?"

Laser eye his ass
>>
>>4859510
>Get him MONOLOGUING! SAY SOMETHING! (Dialogue options to follow)
The cavalry is still coming for sure, we got an angry Talbie on his way. Lets delay for time and planning
>>
>>4859511
That's clearly an engine hall though.
>Get him MONOLOGUING! SAY SOMETHING! (Dialogue options to follow)
>>
>>4859522
Yea, sorry--was too tired to draw an appropriate boss arena and found a picture that was kinda close. I'll see if I can find something better tomorrow after work!

Also slight apologies--I'm pretty sure an update will happen around TUESDAY 6-7PM PST rather than 5-6. Remembered that tomorrow will be a bit busy!
>>
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>>4859580
Here you go, my dude
>>
>>4859594
Thanks, pal! That's certainly in the ballpark!

>>4859518
>A TACK!

>>4859519
>>4859522
>Cue evil villain speech!

Writing!
>>
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Hacking out the remaining fluid in your lungs, you make to wring the moisture out of your cap, but reconsider when Hawkes’ cheer squad raises their weapons your way. Guess your hands are staying down for the time being!

“I’d say it’s been a pleasure, but you and I both know that’s a lie.” Hawkes sighs, puffing a few more clouds from his pipe. “Give my regards to Rocky in Hell... Oh, and take a moment or two to make peace with whatever god abandoned you here--I’d want a mulligan too if I created one of you.

Making a motion with his fingers, you flinch as each soldier picks a part of your head to aim at with their weapons! Frozen in place with a goofy look on your face, a realization hits you almost as hard as that propeller underwater did! Ow, by the way!

Hawkes is cliched as hell, right? That means he won’t be able to resist talking his hat off! Maybe that can buy you some time until your pals arrive! The question is, what the heck do you say?

>Wait wait wait… Run your PLAN by me one more time.
>Okay, you GOT ME. What’s next in your MASTER PLAN?
>You’re not going to kill me in some CLICHED way, are you?
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4861040
>Okay, you GOT ME. What’s next in your MASTER PLAN?
Mention something about commies- according to those soldiers he hated them enough to go to some extreme measures. Can probably get him ranting for a while about that
>>
Gonna keep this open until WEDNESDAY AROUND 9-10AM PST--had a bit to drink at din tonight and I'm feeling kinda tired. You can definitely expect more tomorrow, though, so I hope to see you then!
>>
>>4861040
>WRITE IN
Okay, so our main goal is those fucking pillars. So lets plan in accordance with that, We need to get this guy fucking going, we don't have much leverage. We need to aim for his sense of style, it's his biggest weakpoint so far. This guy really did an 80's action movie lineup of goons just so we can cut them down before our friends show up bursting through a wall. Does this guy think he is Sylvester Stallone? Or even worse, Steven Stegal.
>>
>>4861040
>Whatever your plan is, it can never succeed!
People like to correct others more than just explain.
>>
>>4861040
>>4861094
>You’re not going to kill me in some CLICHED way, are you?
Actually I guess this is more applicable
>>
>>4861048
>>4861096
>>4861098
Lemme try to blend these things all together! Writing!
>>
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Woah woah WOAAHH, you croak, lungs still waterlogged, isn’t he forgetting something? The general regards you for a moment with a quizzical look.

“... Right, almost forgot. Try to avoid hitting the head, men. Terrifying as it is, it’ll make a good addition to the mantlepiece later.”

With a round of ‘affirmatives’ from his goons, Hawkes proceeds with the order to fill you full of lead! At least, he TRIES. Luckily you’ve got an ace up your sleeve!

Shaking your head in mock disappointment, you plant your hands on your hips and cock your head to the side--did he forget he’s supposed to go over the details of his PLAN? That’s like Villain 101!

“Don’t see the value in explaining things to a corpse,” Hawkes replies, “so I won’t. Alright, men--”

You go in for the kill with a derisive snort! Yea, that’s fine! Don’t say anything--even if his plan somehow succeeds it’ll still probably be CLICHE’D AS HELL!

Instinctively covering your face from the inevitable hail of bullets about to rip through it, you find yourself still alive a few moments later! Peeking through your fingers, you watch as the general’s entire body quakes with what you hope is anger!

“Fine! I suppose I can explain myself before I KILL YOU!”

You and Ly barely manage to suppress a mischievous laugh as Hawkes clears his nonexistent throat--GOTCHA!

“America is ROTTEN! Rotten a banana! My men and I tried to stop it at every turn--Korea, Vietnam, the Castro District… Despite it all, though, nothing seemed to stick! Just when we were about to win, we’d be pulled back! ‘It’s a lost cause, Hawkes--North Vietnam won!’ ‘You can’t firebomb San Fran, Hawkes--they’re TAXPAYERS!’” The general spits on the floor, then makes a gesture at one of his men, who bends over and wipes it up with a hanky.

“Tell me, JANITOR, what do we do with ROTTEN FRUIT?!

Shit, you weren’t expecting audience participation--you just wanted him to talk until your pals got here! Where are those morons anyways?!

>CONTD.
>>
>>4861674
MEANWHILE..

“NGH! RRRNGH!”

“I can just blow it open with a fireball, you know.”

Mitzi and Eddie respond to Syb with a double-helping of withering glares, then resume kicking the door in front of them!

“You wanna alert the whole dam? Let us do our thing, damn it!” With one final kick the door finally gives way! Chuckling to each other, Eddie and Mitzi push the door open and emerge in…

“... This is a GIFT SHOP.” Observes Tucker as Syb slams her head against the wall a few times.

“What are you guys worried about?” Eddie chuckles, snatching a BEAVER DOLL WEARING A CLEARWATER DAM T-SHIRT from one of the displays. “It’s STAN! She’s probably already stomped the bad guy by now!”

AAAAAND BACK TO STAN…

“That’s NOT what I meant and you KNOW IT!!”

You scoff at the general’s response! What’s the big deal? Banana Bread kicks ass!

“True,” growls the general under his breath, “but that’s NOT the point I’m trying to make! America needs to be THROWN OUT and REPLACED, and now that my men and I have eternal life, that goal is finally possible! THINK, Stanley! Think about a whole new America where you wouldn’t have to mop floors!”

You blink--hey, that WOULD be pretty cool! Where do you sign u-

Your sentence is interrupted by a stinging sensation in your head. Can Ly cut that shit out already?!

“Not until ya’ stop actin’ stupid.” He’ll be waiting a while, then!

“Of course,” Hawkes growls, raising a nonexistent eyebrow your way,“You aren’t really a janitor, are you?” You reply with a quizzical look. Aren’t you? Is this the part where you find out you’re actually a PRINCESS or something? COOL!

“Dear lord, NO, you’re NOT a princess!” The general spits! “Christ almighty, I’m not even sure you’re human...” Hawkes’ face lights up as his sentence trails off, almost as if he realized something.

“No… You aren’t human, are you? You’re WORSE!” Jabbing a boney finger your way, the general chews on his pipe with a grim smile!

“You’re a FOREIGN INFILTRATOR! An agent of dissent planted to sow the seeds of discord in the weed-ridden garden that is AMERICA!

You open your mouth to defend yourself, but too late--Hawkes is on a tangent now.

“Confess, FREAK! Who sent you?! Where are you FROM?!”

You bite your lip as you think back to your family tree… You’re pretty sure your parents said you were…

This is America, so pick TWO or MORE!
>FRENCH! That explains your PARKOUR MASTERY!
>RUSSIAN! Your gam-gam even gave you one of those neat ear-flap hats!
>CANADIAN! You practically BLEED maple syrup!
>AMERICAN! Who the hell cares where you’re from!? U S A! U S A!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4861675
>SWISS-LUXEMBURGIAN!
I wonder how the general is going to react to the two most inoffensive countries.
>>
>>4861675
>AMERICAN! Who the hell cares where you’re from!? U S A! U S A!
>FRENCH! That explains your PARKOUR MASTERY!

This is America, so don't catch you slippin now
>>
>>4861675
>SWISS-LUXEMBURGIAN
"What makes a good man go neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?"
>>
>>4861699
>>4861750
>SWISS-LUXEMBURGIAN!

>>4861721
>FRENCH AND AMERICAN!

Writing!
>>
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That’s RIGHT! Your parents said you were SWISS! SWISS AND LUXEMBOURGIAN, wherever that is! That’s why your gam-gam always had that bitchin’ chocolate--you just thought she was a witch or something! Dad never really elaborated on your heritage much, but he always said the flag was a big plus!

You’re still struggling to see what the flag’s advantage is. Maybe he’ll tell you once this is all done. Relaying your info to the general, you get the sense that you didn’t dissuade him much.

“Figures!” He hisses, shaking his head angrily. “It’s only natural that those fondue-eating FENCE-SITTERS would get greedy eventually--one can never truly be NEUTRAL! It’s unnatural! Just like those freeloading CANADIANS…

You frown--what the hell’s he talking about? Don’t the Swissians make knives or whatever? He’d better watch his back!

Wait, you were trying to make him less suspicious of you. Whoops.

“So that’s how it settles then… I knew you were too well-trained to be a mop-jockey!” Hawkes continues. “I suppose I’ll have to add those little specks on the map to my TO CONQUER list!”

Hey, this jerk can destroy all of California for all you care--lord knows it’d be an improvement--but no one, and you mean NO ONE, hurts your gam-gam! Besides, you continue as you lean against one of the nearby pillars, it doesn’t matter where you’re from--America’s a land of insurgents! Everyone’s from somewhere else!

Hawkes almost crushes his glasses with how hard he frowns. What, did you say something wrong?

“... I sincerely hope you meant immigrants, Parble…”

OHH! YEA, that one! What did he think you meant? When he thinks of it that way, you’re about as American as Electricity, Apple Pie, and DEMOCRACY! U S A! U S A!

“STOP THAT! FOREIGN RABBLE-ROUSERS AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THE CHANT!”

It’s too late, though--you only have to chant a few times before Hawke’s whole entourage joins in! As the general tries to stop his men without looking unpatriotic, you see your CHANCE!

… Chance for what, though?

>GET TO COVER! One of the pillars oughta do the trick!
>MAKE NOISE! If your dumb friends won’t help, maybe TALBOT will!
>ATTACK! Lasers! Guns! SOMETHING!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4861848
>MAKE NOISE! If your dumb friends won’t help, maybe TALBOT will!
Calling tactical behemoth boyfriend
>>
>>4861848
>MAKE NOISE! If your dumb friends won’t help, maybe TALBOT will!
Just keep chanting louder and louder, unleash a laser at the ceiling in true patriotic rage
>>
>>4861868
>>4861878
>BRING THE NOISE

Writing!
>>
Your chance to KEEP CHANTING, of course! If your dumbass friends aren’t gonna help, then maybe your ex-hitman-turned-bodyguard TALBOT will! He’s behaved himself really well during this whole thing--you think he’s earned at least a LITTLE wanton destruction…

Continuing your chant, you manage to coerce Hawkes’ heroes into raising their weapons in the air and popping off a few rounds! Shells, cartridges, and even bursts of NASTY-SMELLING GOO soar through the air, some of them even blasting through the skylight above you! You smirk--if that doesn’t get his attention, well…

“Don’t do it, Stan…” Warns Ly. You don’t bother with a response. Chanting louder and louder to the point that you’re practically SCREAMING U S A, you finish things off with a grand finale! Finally getting the hang of your new toy, you feel the skin around your eye sizzle a bit as you unleash a LASER BLAST through the skylight and into the morning sun! As you and the room’s occupants are showered with bits of melted glass, Hawkes finally gets a word in above the rabid chants of U S A!

“It’s a DISTRACTION, you idiots! CEASE FI-”

And then you hear it--the pop of a distant explosion off in the distance. Freezing in place, the general shoots you the nastiest glare he can make behind his shades as one of his soldiers touches an earpiece in his helmet.

“Errr, sir?”

“BAD timing, Sergeant.”

“W-well erm… It’s about the Science Project, sir.”

The general gives the soldier an incredulous look as you take a few surreptitious steps towards a pillar.

“It’s ALIVE?

“It um… It appears so, sir.” Replies the sergeant, his weapon quaking in his boney hands. “And we believe it wiped out the forces that investigated the helicopter crash.”

Hawkes stares at the soldier for a moment, then turns to face you once again. For a moment it almost looks like he’s about to let loose with an eye laser, but instead he just… Laughs.

“Well then, Parble,” he chuckles as he politely puts out his pipe, “Looks like you’re full of surprises… You want WAR? You’ve got WAR! But tell me: what’s a general’s greatest asset?

D’oh! More audience participation! Freezing in mid-retreat, you turn to face Tim’s lieutenant once more… Do you even answer?

>Errr… His STRATS?
>Um… His CLICHE'D SPEECHES?
>Uhh… His MEN?
>Hmm… HisLOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4862000
>Um… His CLICHE'D SPEECHES?
Yeah yeah you have everything all planned out and shit, WE DON'T CARE!
>>
>>4862000
>Hmm… HisLOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
>>
>>4862000
>Hmm… HisLOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
>>
>>4862047
>CLICHES AGAIN!

>>4862053
>>4862065
>DISTRACTION!

Writing!
>>
File: bonebrigade.png (1162 KB, 1024x1024)
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You blink a few times to be sure--in place of General Hawkes sits a veritable WALL of bones wrapped around the platform where the TREATMENT TANKS were! As you look for signs of the warmonger, your eyes widen as you see the mass of bones shake with… LAUGHTER?

https://youtu.be/aar_bpFaHc8

“Like I said, Parble, wars are won by ARMIES. And me?”

The wall of bone morphs into the primitive shape of a flexing bodybuilder!

“I’m an ARMY OF ONE, BABY!

Before you can retort, your thoughts are interrupted by a loud ‘THUNK’! Following the sound, you just barely miss a skeletal arm holding a GRENADE LAUNCHER retreat into the bone mass!

Speaking of, guess what’s sailing through the air in your direction right now?

“TAKE COVER, STAN!” Ly howls! “PREFERABLY SOMEWHERE ELSE!”

ROLL 1d100+5! Can’t you hear can’t you hear the thunder? You’d better run! You’d better take COVER! I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
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Whoops, forgot a post!

You might not be the brightest nail in the drawer, but you know the beginning of a BOSS BATTLE when you see one. Luckily you’ve got just the thing for the situation! Making a show of considering Hawkes’ clearly reportical question, you take your time with each word of your answer:

Hmmm…. Could it…. Could it be…

“QUIT STALLING AND ANSWER, YOU WORM!”

You’re GETTING there, damn it! Now where were you… Right….

It must… No… But it might just be…

Sensing that the general’s about to shoot you himself, you get to the point! The answer is obvious: it’s hiHOLY MOLEY, LOOK OUT!

You don’t even wait for him to turn around as you dive for cover! Making it behind the nearby pillar, you check your pockets for your tools of the trade--despite being somewhat damp, your weapons look good!

“DAUGH! The ONE time I think it’s an actual warning…” Growls the general. “No matter, I’ll answer the question myself!”

Peeking around the side of the pillar, you duck back into cover as you’re greeted by his goons pointing their weapons your way! Before they can fire, though, Hawkes motions for them to hold, then retrieves a radio from his pocket!

“Heavy weapons units--you’re cleared to engage the Science Project. Don’t be stingy with the ammo, either--I want that thing decommissioned YESTERDAY. All backup units--initiated PLAN 34! On the double!”

You pop out from cover to fire a shot off at the general, but your efforts are curtailed by a blanket of cover fire from Hawkes’ fan club! Bits of pillar fly into your face as the remains of the skylight crash to the floor, showering the treatment tanks and your enemies with a new coat of glass!

About time!

It’s not Talbot coming in, however--skeletons of all shapes, sizes, and uniforms tumble from the sky and onto the ground in a pile around Hawkes, the general cackling madly through the whole spectacle!

“A general GREATEST ASSET, Parble, is his MEN!” As the pile of skeletons grows, you curse from the safety of the pillar--shoot, you were gonna guess that next! Just when you think the pillar can’t take any more abuse, the shooting stops!

“Now, Stan!”

Taking Ly’s advice, you pop out from behind cover and fire a few shells in the general’s direction!

… At least, that’s what you planned to do…

>CONTD.
>>
File: bonebrigade.png (1162 KB, 1024x1024)
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>>4862196
You blink a few times to be sure--in place of General Hawkes sits a veritable WALL of bones wrapped around the platform where the TREATMENT TANKS were! As you look for signs of the warmonger, your eyes widen as you see the mass of bones shake with… LAUGHTER?

https://youtu.be/aar_bpFaHc8

“Like I said, Parble, wars are won by ARMIES. And me?”

The wall of bone morphs into the primitive shape of a flexing bodybuilder!

“I’m an ARMY OF ONE, BABY!

Before you can retort, your thoughts are interrupted by a loud ‘THUNK’! Following the sound, you just barely miss a skeletal arm holding a GRENADE LAUNCHER retreat into the bone mass!

Speaking of, guess what’s sailing through the air in your direction right now?

“TAKE COVER, STAN!” Ly howls! “PREFERABLY SOMEWHERE ELSE!”

ROLL 1d100+5! Can’t you hear can’t you hear the thunder? You’d better run! You’d better take COVER! I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 53 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862197
We have a grenade in our pockets as well, lets drop that behind us next time we have to evacuate from a pillar
>>
Rolled 41 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862197
>>
Rolled 41 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862197
>>
>>4862379
>>4862325
Someone reset the rolling bot, its glitched up and repeating again
>>
Rolled 1 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862323
>>4862325
>>4862379
>Highest Roll: 58!

Writing! Also doing a test roll just in case!
>>
File: dakka.jpg (42 KB, 608x342)
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You make a speedy retreat, even speedier thanks to your BONE SPEED! Darting from behind the pillar, you’re immediately beset by an entire firing line of machine guns from inside the bony mass! Tucking and rolling, you dodge through the metal rain and circle around to the general’s back!

“LOOK ALIVE, SOLDIER!”

A tendril of bone cuts your route off, causing you to skid to an abrupt halt! From inside the ‘branch’ comes a row of nozzles--the ones you saw attached to those back-mounted tanks earlier! Leaping backwards, you barely avoid an impromptu shower of a foul-smelling chemical that slowly eats through the concrete floor! GRODY!

“DID THE SWISS TRAIN YOU FOR THIS?!

Still retreating from the last attack, you stumble as you feel a burst of wind behind you! Ducking instinctively, you briefly enjoy a pleasant breeze as another bone tendril sweeps across where your head used to be, slamming into a column with a dam-shaking SMASH!

“We gotta do somethin’!” Ly shouts as the bone mass unloads another salvo of high-caliber death in your direction! Sliding behind the closest column you can find, you nod emphatically--weird, you were just thinking the SAME DAMN THING.

“No need ta’ get snippy. We’ve gotta go on da’ offensive or he’ll jus-”

Ly is interrupted as a chunk of the column you’re hiding behind is blown to dust by a trio of shotgun blasts. You think you get the picture--you’re still aching from your swim earlier! You won’t be able to play jump rope with this guy for much longer!

“We gotta break through,” Ly grumbles as you just barely duck under a tendril wrapping around the column, “chances are da’ head honcho’s in there somewhere!”

You nod--the question is, how do you bust this nut open!?

>CARVE! Get in close and BONE CLAW him!
>SHOOT! Bones and bullets don’t get along!
>ITEM! You’ve gotta have something that’ll get him!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4862606
I'm not sure if our pastebin inventory is up to date, so I'll write a few backup options just to be safe.

First thing if we still have it:
>ITEM! You've gotta have something that'll get him!

The ABS is PERFECT for this boss- but I think GB might've confiscated it. Still it's on the list so figured I'd write it here. If not, then

>GRENADE
Might be able to blow a hole in the bone wall, though we also might be out here. Says we have 1 so again worth a shot.

If we have neither of those, then have Ly enter the mass and direct us to where the general is. Once found, we'll use
>The Remote-Controlled Duck

To tactically shoot and maneuver its way in until we can annihilate the general.
>>
>>4862666
>>4862606
+1
Lets channel some of that king, we still have that cigar on us as well. Rip and Tear, Stan
>>
>>4862687
I'm down to smoke King's cigar if we have time to light it
>>
>>4862666
>>4862687
Tell you what--since I was too shitty to remove it, let's say you DO have the ABS! Fully charged for good measure.

Would you like to SMOKE A CIGAR?

Include your answer with a 1d100+5 roll along with any SPECIFIC shenanigans you'd like to get into with the ABS! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 11 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862733
Yes because cigars are badass
>>
Rolled 55 (1d100)

>>4862733
>>
Rolled 26 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862733
Light it up
>>
Rolled 13 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4862733
Yes, Smoke it up
>>
>>4862741
>>4862788
>>4862798
>HIGHEST ROLL: 60!

>>4862801
Sorry bro, just missed it. Thanks for rolling, though! Writing!
>>
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Crouching down low, you hastily rummage through your pockets and find the nutcracker you’re looking for! Retrieving your AUTOMATED BONE SHAPER and holding it aloft like Excalibur, you glance at the battery readout and grin--fully charged!

“Nice of da’ Good Boy folks ta’ give us a new one!” Ly chuckles as you activate it! “That oughta make things a bit easier!”

So will this, you add, retrieving KING’S CIGAR and flicking it into your mouth! Recoiling a bit at the bitter taste, you nonetheless grind your ABS against the floor and use the sparks to light your smoke’s tip! Rising to your feet, you try and fail to ignore the look Ly gives you--it looks bitchin’, okay?!

“... Alright, kiddo. Time ta’ cut dis’ guy wide open!”

Nodding, you feel a rush of air behind you and glance behind you! Two tendrils snake around your cover, each one lined from top to bottom with SHOTGUN BARRELS!

“BOO!”

You vacate the killzone just before it’s torn to shreds and turn your ABS onto the nearest bone tendril! Needless to say, the tool does its job--you can almost hear several shouts as the tool’s teeth carve through the bone, but you pay them no mind. They started it, after all!

Letting the limb tumble to the floor, you dart towards the center of the mass and leap blade extended towards the center! Bullets and goo whizz by your head as you fly forward, but none of them manage to get a good hit! Just when you think you’ve got it in the bag, however, you’re met mid-air by a humanoid shape popping out of the pile!

>CONTD.
>>
>>4862910
Clad in a metallic sheath similar to Talbot’s, you quickly recognize the shape’s general hat and pipe! HAWKES!

Your ABS collides with his hand as the two of you struggle to overpower one another!

“Technical difficulties?” Jokes the general as the tool’s teeth groan against his vise grip! “Or did someone not visit the LAMINATE CHAMBER back at the lab?”

Your eyes go wide--shit, you could have gotten chromed out?! Lucky!

“Yep! Shame the whole place BLEW UP!

With another nasty chuckle, the general takes a swing at your head! He goes high, so you go low! As you duck under his hook, however, you notice several gun barrels poking out from the mass and drawing a bead on you! Gotta move quick!

You scarcely duck under Hawkes’ punch before he goes for an uppercut--this time you’re ready, though! Weaving past his metal-bound fist, you quickly blow a plume of smoke in his face! Coughing violently, Hawkes loosens his grip on your ABS just enough for you to wrench it free and swing it into his side! Sparks, Goodboynium, and bone meal fly off in chunks as he roars in pain, but before you can get all the way through your FEMININE INTUITION kicks in!

Kicking off of his chest, you barely avoid becoming Swiss Cheese as the guns inside the mass open fire! Landing with a muffled ‘squeak’, you rev your tool a few times as you grin behind your cigar! How’d he like that?

Not much, from the looks of things--you scarcely have time to regain your footing before a tendril lined with ROCKET LAUNCHER barrels draws a bead on you!

What do!?
>BAIT him into ATTACKING the PILLARS! Maybe you can drop one on him!
>MAKE him SHOOT HIMSELF! It won’t be easy, but…
>Have him BLAST OPEN a DOOR? Those shutters can’t be THAT strong, right?
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4862918
>BAIT him into ATTACKING the PILLARS! Maybe you can drop one on him!
>>
>>4862918
>BAIT him into ATTACKING the PILLARS! Maybe you can drop one on him!
Boss battle 101!
>>
>>4862923
>>4862939
>KILL DA' PILLS

Writing!
>>
>>4862923
>>4862939
>KILL THE PILLS!

Sounds like a plan, Stan! ROLL ME 1d100+5 to drop a pillar! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

As per usual, don't forget to write in specific strategies if you've got 'em!
>>
Rolled 77 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4863040
Run towards a pillar and make it look as if we're trying to attack the General, then powerslide under the ensuing rocket so that it hits the pillar instead
>>
Waiting for two more rolls, but it's getting a little late for me. Tell you what, though: we'll pick this up on THURSDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST! I might be able to get an update in earlier, but we'll see which way the winds of fate blow. Thanks as usual for playing--hope to see you around next time!
>>
Rolled 56 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4863040
Why did Hawkes flinch from the smoke if he's always chewing on a cigar himself?
>>
>>4863120
Call me old-fashioned, but if someone suddenly blows a cloud of smoke in your face you'll probably react a little bit.

Either that or muscle memory, fuck it.
>>
Rolled 23 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4863040
I'll support this plan >>4863052
>>
>>4863120
Difference between taking smoke in your lungs and blowing it out and having it in your eyes or going up your nose (I know they're just bones but multiple times they've been stated to do stuff living people do like eat or have hair or, well, smoke)

Source: smoker
>>
>>4863052
>>4863120
>>4863134
>HIGHEST ROLL: 82!
Writing!
>>
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You adjust your cigar’s position as a defiant look spreads across your face--this jerk wants to play with firecrackers? You’ll show him what happens! Making sure not to run too fast, you dart for one of the more chewed-up pillars!

“THAT’S RIGHT--RUN SOME MORE. YOU’RE ONLY POSTPONING THE INEVITABLE!”

As if the rockets weren’t enough, another row of GOO NOZZLES poke out from the bone mass and spray a fountain of hissing goop in an arc as you sprint past! A small drop lands on the brim of your hat as you rush by and eats away at the brim while releasing a foul odorous smoke! Wrinkling your nose at the scent, you refocus on what you’re about to do--no room for messing up here!

Once you reach the pillar, you immediately push off of it as if you’re about to launch yourself at the general! Sensing your intent, Hawkes lets rip with his branch of ROCKET LAUNCHERS and cackles like a madman! You barely manage to stifle a grin--what a maroon!

Rather than heading UP AND OVER, you instead kick off the column and drop into a POWER SLIDE that rivals the one you pulled back at the diner! Leaning back as you slide along the floor, you slip underneath the salvo of rockets just in time to avoid an explosion! Regaining your footing just in time to dodge another salvo of machine gun fire, you look back at where the rockets impacted and smirk! Like an apple chomped to the core, the base of the pillar is blown to shreds, teetering on its shaky foundation! Before your enemy--er, enemies? Whatever. Before they can tell what’s going on, the pillar topples onto the mass of bones with a satisfying CRUNCH!

Chewing on the end of your cigar, you rev your ABS a few times in defiance. Who’s postponing the inevitable NOW?

“Nggh…” Groans the general, “POINTS FOR CREATIVITY, BUT…”

A cluster of tendrils form around the pillar and slather it with goo as another pair aim a cornucopia of gun barrels your way! He hasn’t fired yet, though--gotta stay on the offensive!

What’s next in your master plan?
>Drop ANOTHER PILLAR! It seems to be distracting him!
>DIG IN! The sooner you get HAWKES, the better!
>CHIP AWAY at the BONE MASS--he can’t hide forever!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4864078
>Drop ANOTHER PILLAR! It seems to be distracting him!
Lets save the grenade for the last pillar, he's gonna wise up on our plans and make it harder to do that again.
>>
>>4864078
>Drop ANOTHER PILLAR! It seems to be distracting him!
Video game wisdom states we only need to do this 2 more times to defeat him
>>
>>4864090
>>4864143
>PILE ON THE PILLARS!

ROLL 1d100 to get Hawkes and Co with ANOTHER! He's probably not gonna fall for it twice though... I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

While you're at it, why not describe how you're gonna drop another? It can only help your chances!
>>
Rolled 59 (1d100)

>>4864159
Actually, he sounds like he is trying to prop that first pillar up as well. Maybe we should try and stop that, from the sounds of it. This goo shouldn't affect our claws. So lets rely on those when dealing with it.
>>
>>4864165
Sorry if it was confusing--the pillar fell and crunched him a bit, so now Hawkes is trying to GOO IT OFF OF HIM. Just in case that affects your answer at all!
>>
Rolled 83 (1d100)

>>4864159
We will simply slice another pillar onto him with our BONE CLAWS!
>>
Rolled 35 (1d100)

>>4864159
>>
>>4864165
>>4864186
>>4864255
>Highest Roll: 83!

Writing!
>>
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Ducking and weaving through the gunfire, that’s what! And duck and weave you DO! You’ll say one thing about this fight--you’re not a big fan of being shot at, but at least Hawkes and his cheerleaders seem to be having trouble aiming!

Your BONE SPEED makes short work of the bullets and grenades--tucking and rolling through the barrage, you shrug off the debris and shockwaves popping up around you as you make your way to the first pillar you hid behind--the one barely holding together after Hawkes’ grenade launcher surprise!

As if on cue, a trio of tendrils burst from the mass of bones in the center of the room--one wrapping around the pillar, the others lined with SHOTGUNS and MACHINE GUN barrels!

“FOOL ME ONCE…”

Surrounded, you opt to do THE WORM and duck to safety! In a textbook example of how NOT to set up firing positions, the two tendrils unload their payloads into each other, filling the room with a chorus of shouts and screams! So these guys really ARE just huddled together, huh?

“It’ll save us some cleanup time later if we get 'em now!” Ly remarks as he turns your head towards the pillar. “Ready for Round 2?”

You extend your BONE CLAWS in response! Dragging them through what little rebar continues to hold the pillar up, you deftly hop into the air behind it and give the structure a kick with your EMU LEGS! The bone tendril struggles to hold the pillar up, but it’s too late--pushing off of the column, you use your momentum to bring your ABS crashing through! As the tool’s teeth gnash through the bone, you’re rewarded with a rain of bone dust, marrow, and cartridges of every shape and size!

You take a moment to slurp up some marrow and land feeling like a million bucks! Not to be outdone, the pillar also lands, albeit with much more force behind it!

“NNRGH! DAMN IT!” The general’s strained voice rings out from somewhere in the mass as the entire bone pile quakes under the weight of two columns! Chuckling to yourself, you take a moment to puff on your cigar--time for a strategic retreat yet, Blake?

“I…. NEVER…. SURRENDER!” The general punctuates his sentence by sending four more tendrils your way--each one armed to the teeth with ROCKETS and GOO NOZZLES! Just when you’re about to leap away, you feel something snake around your ankle--a closer inspection reveals a smaller tendril lined with….

HANDS?! BARF!

ROLL 1d100-5 to ESCAPE!I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS! Don't forget to describe your escape tricks!
>>
Rolled 27 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4864330
Jump, twist our body in the air, and slice off the tendril with the abs before crashing into the wave of bones like a spinning wheel of death
>>
Rolled 11 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4864330
Lets JAM HIS SYSTEMS with the STRAWBERRY JAM and slither out!
>>
Waiting for one more roll--feel free to roll again if you have already!
>>
Rolled 64 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4864521
Activating all my energy to unleash the sickest roll possible
>>
>>4864353
>>4864356
>>4864523
>Highest Roll: 59!

Thanks for the extra roll! Writing!
>>
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Feeling the bones wrapping around your heel, you shoot a manic glance towards the bone bulk--good thing you’re not about to run away!

You leap into the air thanks in no small part to your EMU LEG BONES, twisting around to bring the tendril and its occupants even closer! Not daring to shoot at themselves, Hawkes and his entourage hold fire while you whip out your ABS and cleanly cut through the bone tether around your ankle! Feeling it go limp, you turn your attention towards the main pile, most of it still stuck under the two pillars. Aiming yourself away from where Hawkes is spraying GOO, you instead make a beeline for his center and dive in ABS FIRST!

Tearing into the mass of bones like a plate of fries after a pub crawl, you nearly chomp your cigar in half as you grit your teeth through the carnage! Skeletal hands claw at you, but it’s no use--you’re in it to win it, damn it! Caked in bone meal, you bring your tool back for one definitive STAB, but right when you bring it down, you feel the butt of a weapon nudge the side of your head!

“D’oooh, I’m sorry, angel--not hiding there any more…”

Peeking through your peripheral vision, you can barely make out the barrel of some sort of REVOLVER--something heavy from the feel of it! Holding it is, of course, General Hawkes, still looking no worse for wear with his GOODBOYNIUM LAMINATE BODY. Did he give himself BICEPS?! Ugh…

“You’ve got fight, I’ll give you that,” The general gloats, pressing the firearm closer to your skull, “but I’ve got a country to rebuild, and once you’re out of the picture I’ll have plenty of time to do it…”

“Stan…” Ly whispers, holding your bones steady, “We can get outta dis’...”

You can--you haven’t raised your hands yet. You’ve got ONE CHANCE to not mess this up!

Roll me 2d100s, please! I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 73, 28 = 101 (2d100)

>>4864547
Hitting him with all that Goodboynium won't do any good. Destroy the revolver and back out. The pillars seemed to have some effect and so did the tree when we were fighting Talbot- big, heavy objects are the way to go here methinks.
>>
Rolled 46, 48 = 94 (2d100)

>>4864547
lets fucking gooooooooooooooo
>>
Rolled 88, 60 = 148 (2d100)

>>4864547
I'm gonna roll a second one since I think we are alone tonight.
>>
>>4864549
>>4864555
>>4864596
>Highest Rolls: 88 and 60!

Appreciate the extra rolls! Writing the last update of the evening!
>>
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You let out a breath of fed-up air--this jerk’s holding you at gunpoint. AND acting like he’s already won.

Cliche’d to the end, huh?

You don’t even bother to respond--your BONE SPEED is all you need to form a proper rebuttal, after all! Ducking to the right, you spin in place, claws extended, and carve the ENGRAVED REVOLVER Hawkes was holding into an ENGRAVED PILE OF SCRAP! Sputtering, the general shoots you an incredulous look!

“WHY YOU…!”

You give ole’ CHROMEDOME a cheeky salute before leaping backwards--better luck next time!

Your jump doesn’t take you as far as you’d hoped, though--quite the opposite. Feeling your back impact on a wall of bones, you push off as quickly as you can and just barely avoid being grabbed by a multitude of boney hands!

“It’s no use, Parble,” Hawkes chuckles, turning several gun-filled bone tendrils your way, “for what it’s worth you’re better than I thought, but talent doesn’t amount to JACK SHIT when you’re against a crowd!”

As the tendrils behind you close in and their inhabitants grasp for your heels, you frantically scan your surroundings for a way out--you can probably jump again, but you just need a dis-

And then you see it: a small, speedy projectile with a rounded edge hurtling from above towards the back of the general’s head.

A grenade.

Unsure of what to do, you bring your arms in front of your face and grit your teeth. Hawkes has only a second or two to look at you with a dumb, confused look on his face.

BOOM.

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4864638
Through some dumb luck, you aren’t dead when you lower your arms, hell, even the CIGAR’S alright! Waving away the smoke, you and Hawkes both cough the debris from your mouths.

“What in the Sam Hell?!” Emerging from the dust with no hat or pipe, the general feels the back of his head and gasps! Squinting your eyes, you barely make out a patch of BONE--non-metallic, to be precise! Sensing your gaze, the general swiftly snatches his tattered cap from the floor, then turns his gaze skyward!

“WHO’S THERE, DAMN IT!? IDENTIFY YOURSELF!”

It’s then you realize two things: first, that explosion took out quite a bit of the bone mass! Rallying his tendrils towards the skylight, Hawkes grunts in frustration as they struggle to rise. Some of them are charred to the nubs while the others just seem… Tired!

Passing on the obvious ‘Can’t get it up?’ joke, you move on to Realization #2:

Talbot doesn’t use a grenade launcher.

And last you checked, none of your pals ride a PIZZA DELIVERY MOTORCYCLE WITH A SIDECAR.

One more realization hits you as you ponder the last one and the dust clears: The sidecar isn’t empty!

https://youtu.be/3gjg3Ib-y54

“You think this guy eats a lot of FAST FOOD, Stan?” Asks the passenger still obscured by the smoke. Your heart quickens in response.

It can’t be!

“Because they’re about to have an ART ATTACK!

The bike plunges through the dust and dirt, landing with a THUD on the catwalk bordering the room! Both riders are wearing black, but only one of them isn’t wearing a helmet--one whose face you’d recognize anywhere even without the eyepatch and scars!

ART BERRY?!!?

“YES,” Your kidnappee and first official member of the gang shouts as he loads another grenade into a GRENADE LAUNCHER., “I AM!

When both you AND Hawkes stand stunned at the spectacle, Art makes a circular gesture to the driver.

“Make us a moving target, Gus--Stan and I will handle the cleanup!”

Revving the motor, the motorcycle leather-clad driver peels out and takes the cycle around the catwalks.

Looks like it’s YOUR TURN!
>BLAST HAWKES’ SKULL into DUST!
>BONE CLAW this jerk! He’s not dodging this time!
>An ITEM will do the trick!
>WRITE-IN
>>
Aaaand that's where I'm calling it for tonight. Should be ready to update around 3-4PM PST ON FRIDAY. Hope to see you then!

You didn't really think I'd get rid of our golden boy, did you? : )
>>
>>4864640
>BONE CLAW this jerk! He’s not dodging this time!
THE BOY IS BACK! I KNEW HE WASN'T LEAVING THAT EASY!
>>
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>>4864640
I love you Bones. You're forgiven.

>BONE CLAW this jerk! He’s not dodging this time!
>>
Rolled 69, 63 = 132 (2d100)

>>4864640
>BONE CLAW this jerk! He’s not dodging this time!
OH SHIT
>>
>>4864640
Can't believe Art looks like the main romantic interest in a bad Korean shoujo webcomic now

>BONE CLAW this jerk! He’s not dodging this time!
>>
>>4864640
>BONE CLAW this jerk! He’s not dodging this time!

>the music
>the news
>the image

I'm not crying you're crying shut up!!!
>>
>>4864646
>>4864648
>>4864651
>>4864699
>>4864887
>CLAWBER HIM!

You guys have no idea how hard it was to keep quiet this whole time about it! Glad you're pleased!

How about paying me back with a 1d100+5 roll to CUT TO THE CHASE?! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!
>>
Rolled 94 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4865439
>>
>>4865442
Now that Art's back so is our dice mojo apparently.
>>
Rolled 95 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4865439
>>
Rolled 1 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4865439
Holy shit Art came back with the luck charms as well
>>
>>4865502
>>4865464
>>4865442
>>4865439
Congrats, we did the funniest set of rolls fucking possible
>>
>>4865442
>>4865464
>>4865502
>NAT 1

Hi Art, bye Art https://youtu.be/Ag1o3koTLWM
>>
This quest will stand as a testament to my eternal hatred of the crit system

This is my tabletop villain origin story
>>
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“Ho-lee SHIT. He actually made it!”

You echo Ly’s sentiment with a ‘ho-lee shit’ of your own--no time for gawking, though--you’ll have plenty of time to catch up with him and Gus once this militant meathead is done for! Using the confusion to your advantage, you scamper towards the general’s still-smoking form and extend your claws--time to CUT to the chase!

Oof.

Damn it, looks like he was expecting that from you. Finding it hard to breathe, you look down at where the crushing pain in your chest is originating from and nod. THAT’S what happened!

Hawkes regards you with a smug grin, his GOODBOYNIUM-LAMINATED FIST embedded square in the middle of your stomach. You try to say something snappy, but all that comes out is blood. Ow.

“Brilliant plan, Parble,” Hawkes chuckles, raising your limp body high for your pals to see, “your execution needs work, though. Speaking of execution…”

Bringing his metallic fist back for another punch, you hear the motorcycle above skid to a halt as the morning sun reflects off of the scope of Art’s rifle!

“Got a present for ya, ugly! Call it a WORK OF ART!

You can’t help but grin as Art draws a bead on the uncovered part of the general’s skull--oh yea, he’s in trouble now! Giving him a cheeky salute, Art squeezes the trigger just as Hawkes swerves to dodge the sho-

SPLUT.

You wince as the pain in your chest somehow gets worse. Looking downwards, your eyes widen as a crimson stain spreads around the thumb-sized hole in your chest. Shooting a hard stare at your would-be savior, you sigh in annoyance--guess you guys are even now, huh? Art responds with a sound akin to a baby seal being strangled, then quietly gestures for Gus to start the bike again.

As your pals resume their ride around the catwalk, you turn your attention back to Hawkes. Where were you again?

“I was talking about your execution, but since you’re still breathing after being shot, I suppose I can’t leave any wiggle room, can I?”

The mass’s remaining tendrils assemble around you, each one pointing its weapon in your direction. Before you can slip off of Hawkes’ fist, you feel his boney fingers hook into your bullet wound--CRIPES that hurts!

You try to curse Art’s name before you get shot, but the buildup of what you assume to be blood in your lungs makes it kinda tricky--you’ve gotta get out of this mess, but HOW?!

ROLL 1d100-5 to BREAK FREE! I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS! Don’t forget to write in any possible escape plans!
>>
Rolled 53 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4865545
"Tell me, General. What is a Janitor's greatest asset?"

"Her ability to take out the garbage!"

Point blank laser eye his ass!
>>
Rolled 97 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4865554
I'm almost afraid to roll again now. The worst part is that I am pretty sure I am also the one who's crit fail got him (almost) killed the first time. I was seriously afraid I was going to kill the man immediately after we found out that I hadn't killed him.
>>
Let's get one thing settled right now just to set people's minds at ease: I've mentioned before that BONES QUEST is pretty chill--that doesn't mean that people CAN'T DIE, per se, but I've learned my lesson from the Art time-out. Going forward Crit Successes (if they ever happen) and Crit Fails will be much more appropriately-scaled. You guys gave me some good feedback in the last few threads--I hope to make things appropriately punishing without being TOO drastic.

In short I really hope I don't scare you all away from rolling! I'd rather you guys participate than not, so hopefully me saying this helps a little bit.

In any case, still waiting on one roll--thanks for listening to my impromptu sermon.
>>
Rolled 44 - 5 (1d100 - 5)

>>4865545
>>
>>4865554
>>4865564
>>4865573
>HIGHEST ROLL: 94!

Writing!
>>
>>4865585
Holy shit I am ACTUALLY MENTALLY-CHALLENGED. Highest roll was 92, I SWEAR I can do math, guys. Writing.
>>
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Ignoring the roar of the motorcycle engine and Art’s frantic ‘SORRY’s, you focus your attention on the jerkass currently digging around in your chest for buried treasure and frown--did this guy graduate from MORON U or something?!

West Point, actually, but I don’t expect you to understand the significance of higher education being a MOP-JOCKEY and all...” Growls the general as he roots around in your new chest cavity! Snarling, you clasp your hands around his shiny neck to hold him in place. Tell me, general, you wheeze, what is a Janitor’s greatest asset?

D’oh! You didn’t expect her to turn that question on you! How do you answer?
>Err… Her mop-

Wait a minute, wrong character! Besides, you weren’t gonna let him answer anyways! Glaring directly between his eye sockets, you feel the heat rise behind your special eye before giving him the answer!

Her ability to ta-AAAAACK

Your delivery of the one-liner is inhibited by the blood slowly filling up your lungs, but the execution is superb! You feel the gun barrels around you unload, but they’re a second too late--your apology gift from Talbot gives Hawkes a sunburn he won’t soon forget AND has the added bonus of launching you to safety! Landing in a bloody heap on the floor, you try to rise to your feet as quickly as possible, but the pain in your chest causes you to drop back to the floor! Damn it!

Glancing towards Hawkes, you allow yourself a weak chuckle--his almost-cartoony metallic bodybuilder’s physique is now reduced to a mass of melted GOODBOYNIUM dripping off of his bones like ice cream in the sun! Wiping the goop from his face, the general repeatedly jabs his finger your way with fire in his eyes!

“NO MORE GAMES! KILL HER! KILL HER!!!!

The remaining tendrils draw a bead on your prone form, but not for long--like a bizarre game of Whack-A-Mole, the minute one rises, a grenade from above blows it into splinters!

“Hang on, Stan!” Art shouts, his voice trailing around the room like a runaway roller coaster, “Think fast!”

Another grenade blast sends some charred skeleton remains your way that are dripping with marrow! Snatching it from the ground, you pour its contents into your mouth and let out a satisfied sigh--THAT’S THE STUFF!

You watch in satisfaction as your tissues slowly repair themselves, the bone and sinew bathed in eerie blue light! Feeling your breathing return to relative normalcy, you push off of the floor and approach what remains of the bone mass!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4865650
“HOLD!” Hawkes cries as he erects weaker and weaker bone tendrils to protect himself from Art’s grenades! “HOLD, DAMN IT!”

Lamenting the new tanktop window in your coveralls, you crack your neck and knuckles as you step with purpose towards the general. Sensing your approach, Hawke’s beefy jawbone quakes with fear!

“Protect your general, damn you! Failure at this point is treason! THAT’S AN ORDER!

Chuckling at the general’s voice crack, you shoot a quick thumb’s up towards your pals above--time to wrap things up!

“HOLD, YOU C-COWARDS!”

With that last command, something new emerges from the bone mass--a stout, ash-covered skeleton wearing a feather-plumed hat, a fancy outfit, and a small drum at his side. Planting his hands on his hips as he regards his fearless leader, the skeleton grabs his drumsticks and tosses them to the ground!

“I already died once for an asshole like you, and I ain’t gonna do it a second time! Let’s go LIVE, boys!”

Something in Hawkes breaks as the boney shield around him slowly unravels, revealing a host of several exhausted and bedraggled skeleton soldiers, some with tattered clothes, others with missing limbs!

“W-What are you doing!? Mutters the general as the final soldier gets up from the floor.

DESERTING!” Shouts the crowd of soldiers! Taking one final moment to tip their various hats, helmets, and headgear your way, the henchmen begin the painstakingly slow process of climbing into the hole you emerged from and diving into the water within! Turning your attention back to your target, you find Hawkes on his knees fiddling with one of the only CHEMICAL TANKS that hasn’t been cracked open and emptied by his men!

“I…. I can still do it! T-they were supposed to, but who needs them!? I’m a ONE-MAN ARMY, DAMN IT! My plans…”

The skeleton’s hat falls to the ground as he frantically tries to hook up the tank to the water pumps, but he seems to be having a hard time of it.

“I… I still have time… My better America… My better WORLD... My SECOND CHANCE!

You look upwards at Art and Gus and shake your heads simultaneously--some war hero, huh?

“It wasn’t easy,” Ly sighs, “but I think it’s done, Stan.”

You know what that means. How do you finish things?
>You’ve got QUESTIONS first, bub!
>Sorry Hawkes, you’re out of time! FINISH HIM!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4865652
>You’ve got QUESTIONS first, bub!
What it did take for you to be able to turn on the very people you swore to protect? Did those vows and promises mean nothing to you?
>>
>>4865652
>You’ve got QUESTIONS first, bub!
>>
>>4865652
>You’ve got QUESTIONS first, bub!
>>
>>4865661
>>4865721
>>4865731
>INTERROGATION!

Writing!
>>
You finish things by sweeping the chump’s leg out from under him, causing the general to tumble to the floor like a badly-placed coffee mug! Not that he tries, but before he can scurry away you point your ABS at his now GOODBOYNIUM-FREE skull and rev it a few times. War game’s over, pal--time to play P.O.W!

“... DAMN it…” Is the only response you get, so you give Art and Gus a thumbs up! Things are lookin’ good!

As the two of them begin to suss out the safest way down from the catwalks, you turn your attention to Hawkes’ defeated form. Here’s how it’s gonna go, you hiss as you loom over him with your implement of destruction, you’re gonna ask stuff and he’s gonna ANSWER! That sound good to him?!

Not getting a response, you drag your ABS along the floor and repeat the question!

“YES! Yes…. Whatever I can answer…”

You grin--see? Hawkes can be a nice guy!

Where do you start?
>Ask about the OTHER LIEUTENANTS! Anything helps!
>Ask about TIM! Surely he can tell you something the others didn’t?
>Ask about THE FORT! Weren’t HIS idiots in charge of sending bones up there?
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4865812
>Ask about THE FORT! Weren’t HIS idiots in charge of sending bones up there?
>Ask about the OTHER LIEUTENANTS! Anything helps!
>>
>>4865812
>Ask about TIM! Surely he can tell you something the others didn’t?
>>
>>4865812
I was so terrified after seeing that post in /qtg/
>Ask about the OTHER LIEUTENANTS! Anything helps!
>Ask about TIM! Surely he can tell you something the others didn’t?
>Ask about THE FORT! Weren’t HIS idiots in charge of sending bones up there?
>>
>>4865826
>>4865864
>ALL THE DAMN QUESTIONS!
Shoulda known! The next update will involve a bit of writing and I've had a big day, so how about we hold off until around 1-2PM PST SATURDAY? Have a few errands to run in the morning, but I should be write-worthy in the afternoon.

Thanks for playing along even with all the crit-fails--the big ONE HUNDO is coming, I'm sure of it! Hope to see you all at the next update!
>>
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Stuffing the business-end of your CHINCHILL PUMP-ACTION into Hawkes’ no-longer-chromed face, you point a finger skyward. Word on the street is that his jarheads are responsible for getting bones up to the BIG KAHUNA. How true is that?

“It doesn’t matter anymore…” Mutters the general under his shaky breath, “We’ve been sending bones and corpses to the fortress, yes… Even if you kill me you can’t stop it--Tibius is the one who controls the portal. His minions guard it along with the rest of my men, and they won’t stop even after I die, you can count on that!”

Hawkes spits that last part at you with some ‘tude, but you shrug it off--how can he be so sure when his fan club just split? Are they REALLY that loyal?

“... To Tibius, yes. They wouldn’t dare anger him…”

You’d feel a bit anxious too if your boss was looking over your shoulder at work, especially Sonny. Quite the oddball, that one. In any case, a portal, huh? And here you were thinking they flew there with those freaky-deaky dragon things crowding the air! Hawkes replies with a shake of his head.

“No, those are merely deterrents, just like that HELLSPAWN roaming in the ocean right now… They’ll play a much bigger role once PHASE 1 is completed.”

You raise an eyebrow at that--sounds like something important! Nudging the skeleton’s skull again with your gun, you follow up with another question: PHASE 1. Spill the beans!

“I-It’s the preparation stage!” Hawkes stammers, turning his face away from the barrel of your gun! “Once Tibius absorbs enough magical energy from enough people, he’ll be ready to lower the barrier and march on the rest of the state!”

You scoff--what the hell is he afraid of? Big scary wizard can’t handle an army or two? Get REAL!

“H-he was adamant about preparations!” The general explains, “He didn’t share the details, but we all have reason to believe he tried conquering the world before!”

You glance around the dam and shrug--guess that didn’t go so well, did it?

“Exactly!” Hawkes agrees, wiping a gob of Goodboynium goo off of his jaw. “That’s why he wants to absorb as much power as possible--he rushed into it last time and look where it got him!”

Your face scrunches into a frown--in a podunk town where the locals formed a cult around him!

“Not bad as far as consequences go.” Ly adds.

“Once he’s amassed enough life energy from the locals, the barrier will fall,” Hawkes concludes, “this time he’ll be ready.”

Is he sure about that? From what you’ve seen a lot of his servants are pretty incompetent! Case in point!

Ignoring your jab, the general mournfully shakes his head. “More power equals more control--you won’t like his updated thralls, I can promise you that.”

Big deal--you don’t really like them now, either!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4866624
Speaking of this big plan, where’s this PORTAL Hawkes mentioned? Gonna have to visit it eventually! The skeleton responds with a low chuckle!

“You’ll never get that far, not with the way you performed here!”

You nudge Hawkes’ cheekbones a few times with your shotgun... On accident, of course! In any case, he won’t have to worry about your performance--all he needs to do is focus on your question!

“R-right… Th-the portal is guarded near Central Clearwater... In CITY HALL.

“So da’ mayor’s office is da’ center of scum an’ villainy. Da’ more things change, da’ more they stay da’ same, huh cupcake?”

You shrug--you certainly didn’t vote for him! Granted you’ve never really voted, but that’s not important! So all you have to do is storm CITY HALL, huh? Sounds simple enough!

“Like I said, the portal is controlled by Tibius himself… There are quicker suicide methods, you know…”

You’ll worry about those later! What about the other LIEUTENANTS?! A bit of the general’s resolve returns to his face as he scowls at you.

“Sorry, freak, you’ll have to kill me. I may not like them all, but I swore not to divulge any information that would compromise their operations, however idiotic and convoluted they may be!”

You snap your fingers in disappointment. Darn! Rocky gave you some really good info, too--figures Hawkes wouldn’t have anything of use!

“H-hey! I’m a godDAMNED TREASURE TROVE of intel!” Shouts the skeleton! “If that greasy-haired goomba thinks he’s got info, wait until you hear mine!”

A smug grin slowly forms on your face. You can’t wait!

PRINCESS IZITHA was sequestered away in her undersea panic bunker,” Hawkes begins, “her damn SEA DEMON and location’s made things pretty easy for her and her ilk. She wouldn’t stop whining about DEMONS, though--apparently she’s not the only one unhappy about being a lapdog…”

And what about him?

“... I’m a soldier, damn it. Not my place to complain when I’m given a second chance.”

You shrug. So if you were planning on getting to her hidey hole, how would you go about doing that? Your words elicit another hollow laugh from the general!

“Not by SWIMMING, that’s for damn sure! Even if you DID avoid whatever the hell’s swimming around down there, you’d be crushed like a soda can at that depth. FORGET IT, Parble!”

You’ll forget things when you FEEL LIKE IT, thanks!

“Didn’t Rocky mention some of her goons hittin’ up da’ MUSEUM?” Ly interjects. “Might be a good place ta’ check out.”

It might be!

>CONTD.
>>
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>>4866628
Speaking of sea-nanigans, what’s the deal with those PIRATES?! Last you heard they were enrolling at CLEARWATER U!

“... Wouldn’t surprise me.” Mutters the general under his breath. “With the lack of naval presence and the SEA DEMON watching over things, those scallywags took to the coast. My men have reported them terrorizing the beaches and waterfront, but heading to the University is news to me…”

You frown--what could they be doing over there?

“Studyin’?” Ly asks, borrowing your shoulders for a shrug. Yea RIGHT!

In any case, that leaves one more jerk--THE COWBOY.

CLAYTON BLACK could be anywhere, really.” Hawkes explains. “He and his bandits aren’t exactly the types to take root anywhere. That along with their horse-riding skills caused Tibius to put them in charge of BORDER PATROL. You’d better start searching if you want to track him down soon!

Ignoring the general’s smug grin, you keep pushing further--so he wouldn’t be near that GHOST TOWN JOPLIN, then?

“Pssh! And I thought MY men were lazy!” Hawkes growls. “Those townsfolk get revived and go right back to what they were doing back in the 1800’s. Bunch of shameless layabouts, the lot of them!”

“Say, dat’ might just be useful!” Ly remarks, prompting you to raise an eyebrow. “Maybe we could take a field trip down there and chat up da’ locals!”

A thought occurs as the general finishes spilling his figurative guts--why is he being so forthcoming about all of this anyways?

“I’ll be blunt--I despise the other lieutenants. If I am to fall here today, I can only hope the rest will fall shortly after.” The general gives you a sideways glance. “Selfishly speaking, I also understand my circumstances--being a cooperative P.O.W sometimes pays off, if you understand my meaning…”

You stare at him for a few moments, then pause to scratch an itch on your head. Was uh… Was he gonna finish that?

“... I’m asking for AMNESTY.”

… Why would anyone want to forget everything?

“Dat’s amnesia, kiddo. He wants a ‘Get Outta Jail Free’ pass.”

Oooh… Makes sense. But wait--don’t you have more stuff to ask!?

>YES! I have ANOTHER question or two (WRITE-IN)!
>NOPE! Let’s figure out what to DO WITH YOU!
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4866634
>NOPE! Let’s figure out what to DO WITH YOU!
I'm willing to cut him a deal.

We know from King that we can rip off a power while a lieutenant is still alive without killing them. If he gives us two or even all three of his glow-y special powers, we can let him live. Hopefully that'll cripple him of his buffs, and we can send him to be a prisoner for interrogation at Good Boy or somethin.

Otherwise, I say we kill him!
>>
>>4866634
>NOPE! Let’s figure out what to DO WITH YOU!
To be honest, I don't see what more intel he could give us thats actually useful. The only person he is likely to know much about are the cowboys, and I almost want to leave them for last. The second we leave this asshole out of our sight he's going to attempt some Hogan's Heroes escape attempt/insurrection. And then we have to deal with him all over again.
>>
>>4866634
>NOPE! Let’s figure out what to DO WITH YOU!
I'm pretty sure spiking the water suply with everything-except-bone-melting-goo is a warcrime. Also his goons hurt Art.
>>
>>4866642
>>4866688
>>4866731
>NO MORE QUESTIONS!

Writing!
>>
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Yep, you did have ONE more question bouncing around in your head… And hey, maybe ART and GUS can help too!

“Uh…” Art mutters as Gus inches the bike closer to the catwalk’s railings, “Give us a minute, okay? You uh… You’ve got this.”

Shrugging, you turn your attention back to your quarry--more fun for you then! Spinning the CHINCHILL PUMP-ACTION in your hand (and snatching it off of the ground after subsequently dropping it), you grin at General Hawke’s gooey form from behind your still-smoking cigar. The question is, you think aloud, What should I do with you?

“You’ve seen what’s left of my plans.” the general sighs as he gestures around the room. “My men are gone, my ace in the hole is ruined, and I’ve given you the intel you requested. You let me live and you’ll never see me again!”

“Hmm…” Ly mutters, “Sure we can trust dis’ guy, cupcake?”

You shrug--Who can say? He’s not a mid-level goon like Cliff was, but having a lieutenant on-call might help a bit…

“Sure, if it works dat’ way.” Ly retorts, borrowing your hand to rub your chin. That tickles!

“I-I won’t tell Tibius anything!” Hawkes adds, sweat beginning to run down his skull! “I’ll just say we retreated from the dam! Think about this!”

“We ain’t gonna get dat’ marrow if we let him go either,” Ly adds. “Unless he’s willing to part wit’ something, dat’ is.”

True, you mutter, prompting a confused look from your captive. Won’t Tim find that odd, though?

“Be reasonable!” Hawkes begs, prostrating himself on the floor before you! “This is my second chance! Don’t take it away from me! I BEG you!”

“Reasonable.” Scoffs Ly. “Dis’ comin’ from da’ guy set ta’ poison da’ whole town a moment ago…”

Scrunching your face up in thought, you turn to Gus and Art, both of whom appear to be testing the strength of the catwalk guardrail. Any thoughts?

“Have you ever listened to mine?” Art fires back as Gus kicks the rail. You shrug--sometimes!

Looks like it’s up to you… Do you let a lieutenant go, or do you add another takedown to the list?

>ELIMINATE HAWKES. Sorry, pal!
>SPARE HAWKES. He’s on THIN ICE, though!
>NEGOTIATE! What ELSE could you want? (WRITE-IN)
>WRITE-IN
>>
>>4867117
>ELIMINATE HAWKES. Sorry, pal!
>>
>>4867117
>ELIMINATE HAWKES. Sorry, pal!
He COULD be useful- but if he's ready to sell out so quickly, then he's probably just as eager to crawl back to Tibius and explain what happened.

IF we had Syb around and she had some spell or item that could ensure loyalty I'd be down- but we need to kill all the Generals eventually, and without some sort of guarantee of his loyalty it's too risky.

Meta wise it's probably smart since he's vulnerable and helpless to pick off his powers one by one before we kill him, but that seems too cruel in character- let's just give him a quick, merciful death and take our pick

Also let's not forget to grab those computer passwords and whatnot for our Fae friend. We don't have to give them to her right away, but if we keep them on hand then we have a bargaining chip if we ever need her
>>
>>4867117
>ELIMINATE HAWKES. Sorry, pal!
I don't like the guy, simple as
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>>4867120
>>4867158
>>4867199
EXTERMINATE!

Writing!
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Puffing another cloud from your cigar, you look down at Hawkes with a look of utter disappointment--even if you could trust him, you just don’t like the guy. Besides, you’ve gotta take down all the lieutenants eventually--why should Wally Warcrimes get a pass?

Sensing your intent, Hawkes’ face curls into a look of complete and utter MALICE.

“Damn it. In that case…”

He moves to attack, but you’re faster--the question is, how do you finish this guy off?

No rolls needed, just the description of the coup de grâce???
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>>4867267
ABS straight down the middle
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>>4867267
I'll +1 this >>4867272
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>>4867272
>>4867290
>A SPLIT DECISION!

WRITING!
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Hawkes was quite something earlier with his BONE BRIGADE and his freakish chemical coating, but now?

Now he’s just kinda sad.

I mean LOOK at the guy! Here he is trying to tackle you in slow motion to do… Something? You just survived getting shot through the chest--you could poke a finger through the hole! This jackass even DID it, remember?

Shaking your head one last time, you rev your ABS and bring it in an arc behind your back, over your head, and into the general’s ash-flecked skull! Freezing in place, he looks at you with a confused expression--almost as if he couldn’t believe you could do what you’re doing! Believe it, dick!

Sparks and bone dust dance off of the ABS’ teeth as the general cries out in pain!

“N-NO!!! MY SECOND CHANCE! MY PLANS! I CAN’T GO BACK TO THE VOID, DAMN IT! I WAS SO CLO-”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish his speech--once the blade breaks through his skull it carves through the rest of his bones like a hot knife through butter. Sliced into two equal halves, the generals shoot a glance at each other, then up at you. Taking one last puff from your CIGAR, you shake your head at your latest foe--even his last attempt at saving himself was CLICHE’D!

Your words drive the final nail into the coffin. Both halves topple to the floor revealing their centers glowing with GLOWING YELLOW BONE MARROW! As you reach for your due reward, the halves jerk towards you, their faces bathed in abject terror!

The horror! The ho-

A few stomps from your boot shuts them up a bit--hurry up and die already! Mommy’s got shit to do! When they finally stop moving, you rub your gloved hands together in anticipation--what do you get THIS time?

“LOOK OUT BELOW!”

Art’s scream does little to prepare you for the spectacle above--with a massive ROAR of an engine, Gus’ PIZZA DELIVERY BIKE blasts through the catwalk railings with him and Art in tow! Dragging Hawkes’ body to the side, you just barely avoid being crushed under the vehicle as it lands with a room-shaking THUD in the center of the treatment plant! Giving the driver a high-five, Art shakes the dust from his head and smiles your way.

“Ta-”

HOLD YOUR DAMN HORSES FOR A SECOND! Startled by your sudden yell, Art and Gus hold position while you appraise the GLOWING BONES below you. There’s a time and place for EVERYTHING, after all!

“Remember,” Ly scolds like a cautious parent, “Only ONE!

You roll your eyes in response. Whatever you say, DAD!

>CONTD.
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>>4867397
CHOOSE YOUR BONE-US!
>COMMANDER’S CLAVICLES: It’s a fact--big shoulders make you look imposing! With these babies you’ll get a BONE-US to ORDERING, INTIMIDATING, and MAKING people do stuff! Who says it pays to be nice?
>DENTAL DEFENDER: Hope you’ve been brushing--calcium deposits in your teeth can cover your ENTIRE BODY with an extremely dense set of BONE ARMOR! The downside is that besides being heavy as heck, using the ability hurts your teeth like HELL! Small price to pay for armor like this!
>BONE BARRAGE: Your claws are cool, but what if they could be COOLER? This BONE-US allows you to FIRE your CLAWS in an ALMOST-SILENT ranged attack! Sure, you’ll have to grow them back once you shoot them, but you can’t argue with the results!

Playing a game with some pals, so this will probably be the last update tonight! Should be ready to write around 10-11AM PST ON SUNDAY, though! Choose well and good luck--you can greet Art once you've figured out your REWARD!
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>>4867400
>DENTAL DEFENDER: Hope you’ve been brushing--calcium deposits in your teeth can cover your ENTIRE BODY with an extremely dense set of BONE ARMOR! The downside is that besides being heavy as heck, using the ability hurts your teeth like HELL! Small price to pay for armor like this!

Aside from badass armor that we can use creatively, depending on what it LOOKS like, we might be able to use it to pass as a skeleton if we nab an outfit for whatever general's crew we try to take on next.

That said a small part of me wants to get the clavicles and see if we could spook Blumenkrantz
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>>4867400
>COMMANDER’S CLAVICLES: It’s a fact--big shoulders make you look imposing! With these babies you’ll get a BONE-US to ORDERING, INTIMIDATING, and MAKING people do stuff! Who says it pays to be nice?

We've been amassing an army, time to learn to use it.
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>>4867400
It's also worth asking- how long does it take to regrow the claws with bone barrage?
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>>4867415
About FIVE MINUTES for the whole batch on each hand, but you have THREE SHOTS on each hand too!
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>>4867420
Hmmm that's not bad...not bad at all!

I think I'll still stick with DENTAL DEFENDER with Clavicles as a good 2nd but desu I won't mind any of these power-ups, they all sound pretty good.
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>>4867400
>DENTAL DEFENDER: Hope you’ve been brushing--calcium deposits in your teeth can cover your ENTIRE BODY with an extremely dense set of BONE ARMOR! The downside is that besides being heavy as heck, using the ability hurts your teeth like HELL! Small price to pay for armor like this!
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>>4867400
>COMMANDER’S CLAVICLES: It’s a fact--big shoulders make you look imposing! With these babies you’ll get a BONE-US to ORDERING, INTIMIDATING, and MAKING people do stuff! Who says it pays to be nice?

It’s time for for some goddamn respect!
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>DENTAL DEFENDER: Hope you’ve been brushing--calcium deposits in your teeth can cover your ENTIRE BODY with an extremely dense set of BONE ARMOR! The downside is that besides being heavy as heck, using the ability hurts your teeth like HELL! Small price to pay for armor like this!
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>>4867409
>>4867592
>>4868072
>DENTAL DEFENDER!

>>4867411
>>4867615
>COMMANDER'S CLAVICLES!

Hope you've been flossing daily! Writing!
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>>4867400
>>DENTAL DEFENDER: Hope you’ve been brushing--calcium deposits in your teeth can cover your ENTIRE BODY with an extremely dense set of BONE ARMOR! The downside is that besides being heavy as heck, using the ability hurts your teeth like HELL! Small price to pay for armor like this!

Belatedly voting
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As Hawkes’ remains slowly burn away in familiar blue flames, something draws you to his JAW... A feeling that if you empty it of the marrow within, you’ll feel safe. SECURE.

Carving the two halves free from each slice of the general’s body, your eyes light up as you spy the GLOWING YELLOW MARROW peeking on from where you bisected the poor bastard. Shooting a quick thumb’s up towards Gus and Art, you dig in and bask in the warm pulse of energy zipping through your bones!

“DAT’S DA’ TICKET!” Ly cheers as you feel the wear and tear of the last few hours get drowned out by the marrow! Grinning with satisfaction, you feel the energy finally come to a stop in your teeth where it begins vibrating uncontrollably!

All good things must end, of course, and as per usual your brief moment of euphoria is quickly replaced with GUT-WRENCHING PAIN! A sensation akin to someone taking a jackhammer to your teeth rips through your mouth, causing you to tumble to the floor much to Art and Gus’ surprise! As the two run over to assist you, you feel something split in your teeth! Trying to scream in pain, your vocalizations are smothered by a BONEY MASS erupting from your teeth like lava from a volcano, and the last thing you see before your vision goes dark is Gus pulling Art away from your shaking body!

“Holy CRAP.”

And just like that, things go back to normal. Well, relatively. Picking yourself off of the ground, you take a deep breath to steady yourself, but pause--your breathing sounds louder somehow--almost as if it were caught in a mask or something!

Anxiety digging a pit in your gut, your heart beats faster when you notice something different about your eyes as well--no matter how much you blink, your vision still suffers from some type of tunnel vision, almost as if you were wearing Art or Mitzi’s helmet! What’s the damn deal!?

“Can uh…” Art’s distorted voice reaches your right ear, “Can you hear us?”

You nod--sure you can, but it sounds kinda funky!

“That’s not the only thing that’s funky, Stan…”

The hell’s THAT supposed to mean? Before he can clarify further, your eye catches the reflection of something unusual in a puddle of goo on the floor. Leaning in closer, you realize that you’re looking at YOURSELF!

You can hardly believe what you’re looking at, either!
>You look like someone poured CEMENT all over you--BULKY and ASYMMETRICAL!
>It’s like your BONES formed OUTSIDE of your body--you’re like some HUGE SKELETON!
>You hate to admit it, but you look like something out of an ANIME--like a robot or something!
>WRITE-IN

Think your PEN can do a better description? Take the sample pic of Stan and draw some shit!
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>>4868262
>It’s like your BONES formed OUTSIDE of your body--you’re like some HUGE SKELETON!

All according to the romance Talbot plan.
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>>4868270
*I'll draw something later if nobody else comes up with a design. For reference, how big is huge skeleton?
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>>4868273
For the sake of simplicity I'd imagine it as slightly bigger than Stan's body--kinda like pic-related. Stan ain't gonna break the 6ft mark any time soon, that's for damn sure.

In short, it can be a BIT bigger than her size, but we're not talking TALBOT-SIZED here, sorry!
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>>4868280
Ah I see. Does that mean we could use it to pass as a skeleton if we can steal an outfit from a respective group? Or does it look too unnatural- i.e the gaps int he ribs still show the flesh beneath and whatnot
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>>4868288
You can try, but you'll certainly stand out without a disguise over it. It's armor, so the bones will seem pretty darn thick!
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>>4868262
>It’s like your BONES formed OUTSIDE of your body--you’re like some HUGE SKELETON!
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>>4868262
>It’s like your BONES formed OUTSIDE of your body--you’re like some HUGE SKELETON!
I have an idea with this BONE-US. Sea witch is underwater correct? We are now big and heavy and fairly pressure proof hopefully. With an air tank or something we could just straight up bomb drop into her kingdom once we have some way of getting the rest of our boys in as well.
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>>4868270
>>4868398
>>4868450
>You look like a SKELETON!

I feel like that's more than enough time for the sake of fairness! Writing!
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>>4868450
This is actually 10,000 IQ. If the bone suit can protect us from the pressure and work as a diving suit, then we'll just need to worry about air.

That said on the flip side, we know it hurts to use the ability, and I assume we can't have it up for super long periods of time. Would that put us at risk once we're already down there if we go unconscious/lose our concentration for whatever reason and the armor comes off?
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>>4868492
>>4868450
Still writing, but this does bring up a decent point--You might be able to use the ability longer if you practice with it, but don't expect to keep it on for hours on end--eventually the pain will cause you to remove the armor.

Think of it like holding your hand over a fire--you can train to handle it, sure, but eventually you're gonna move your hand away. Whether that's before or AFTER your entire arm is melted off remains to be seen!
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A skeleton. A big one. That’s your first instinct upon looking at the chitinous armor covering you from head to toe! If it weren’t for the vaguely feminine form and the body language similar to your own, you’d think you were looking at some kind of MINI-BOSS or something! Spooky!

Doing a quick twirl for Art, Gus, and Ly, you feel a confident smirk form underneath your new digs--though it’s a bit harder to move around, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel more secure! Hey Art! Take another shot at this!

“I’d rather not.” He replies while Gus examines one of the nearby door shutters. Shrugging, your excitement is put on hold as a sharp pain sears through your teeth! Recoiling from the shock, you feel a ‘CLICK’ similar to your BONE CLAWS in the back of your mouth, and like the flick of a switch your armor folds back into your teeth! Perplexed, the only evidence you have of your sudden transformation is a head-pounding toothache, one that doesn’t go away even after several moments of whining and rubbing!

“That oughta’ come in useful!” Ly chuckles as you pick at your tooth! “If it doesn’t drive ya’ crazy, dat’ is.”

He can say THAT again! Doing your best to shake off the pain, you elect to focus on the PRESENT for now--what’s next?

“Well,” Ly begins, “There’s an old friend you might wanna greet…”

You frown--Gus looks busy! You’ll talk to him in a min-

Oh. ART.

Rubbing your eyes free of any dirt, mirages, or MAGICAL ILLUSIONS, you’re happy to see that the dorky-looking security guard doesn’t disappear. You’re no fool, though--raising a finger at him with a suspicious look on your face, you ask him slowly and clearly: is he REAL?

Art replies by picking up a chunk of bone off of the ground and beaning you in the head with it! OW!

“... Ta-da!”

Your suspicion is quickly kicked out by a tsunami of other emotions! Holy shit he’s real how do you greet this magnificent sonnovabitch!?
>HIGH-FIVE! Good to have you back, man!
>HUG! GET OVER HERE, YOU!
>Screw it. KISS this maniac!
>WRITE-IN
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>>4868587
>HUG! GET OVER HERE, YOU!
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>>4868663
>HUG IT OUT!

Writing!
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Unable to come up with words that appropriately express your EXCITEMENT, SURPRISE, CONFUSION, and RELIEF, you opt for another approach. Grinning like a maniac, you utilize every bit of BONE SPEED you have and TACKLE Art, earning a pained ‘OOF’ from the security guard! Wrapping his arms around you in return, you stay wrapped around him like a boa constrictor for a few moments before looking up at his scarred, sweaty face.

“Wow,” He remarks, running a hand through his hair, “I guess I should almost die more often, huh?”

You respond with a headbutt to his chest--you’ll make sure he dies PERMANENTLY if he tries a stunt like THAT again! Did he ever consider how fucked up it would be if he just died like that?!

The guard starts to answer you, but stops as his eyes lock with yours.

“Stan,” He mutters, a surprised look on his face, “You’re…”

WHAT?! You growl, blinking your eyes to g