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All men die, but not all truly live.

You, however, have truly lived. You had the great fortune to be born in a first world country with a developed economy, raised by affluent hardworking parents and given an education your grandparents only dreamed of. Civilization has granted you a stable, insulated dwelling to keep out the elements, a comfy chair made of sophisticated synthetic polymers, an electronic computing device capable of doing thousands of calculations a second and processing information in ways that would've seemed supernatural to people living just a century ago, and enough free time to utilize all these resources to play Elden Ring all day.

But there's a problem. After several long hours spent chasing the night elves out of Hyrule or whatever that faggoty game is about, biology is beginning to catch up to you. For over an hour you have now ignored last night's hot pockets gently knocking at your back door. This was done with quite little difficulty, but now your bladder is beginning to reach its full capacity. There's no denying it: You must go #3. In your truly gifted wisdom, you decide to...

>cross your legs and hold your pee a little longer

>pee in your pants

>look around the room for a convenient receptacle to pee in

>get up and begin a long, difficult march to the bathroom
>>
>>5191185
>Take off pants
>>
>>5191185
>>look around the room for a convenient receptacle to pee in
>>
>>5191185
>get up and begin a long, difficult march to the bathroom
>>
>>5191185
>>look around the room for a convenient receptacle to pee in
>>
>>5191185
>>pee in your pants
Like a gentleman
>>
>>5191185
>>get up and begin a long, difficult march to the bathroom
>>
>>5191185
>Stick you ass out the window and pee and shit out of it
>>
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>>5191351
Ah, yes, the Maharaja manuever.
>>
>>5191351
+1
>>
>>5191185
>pee in your pants
Just like when I used to play Lego Starwars. Nostalgic.
>>
>>5191185
>>5191351 +1
>>
>>5191185
Peeeeeeeeeeeepeeeeeepoooooooooooopeeeeeeeppooooooooopieeeeeeeeeeepooooooooop
>>
I was gonna say no write-ins but then I thought fuck it, this is a poop quest, why be so anal about it?

>Stick you ass out the window and pee and shit out of it
Writing
>>
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As it turns out you have the kind of autism that makes people retarded. That's probably why you need a quest just to take a dump.

Your retarded mind thinks it would be a great idea to do your business out the window. However, you do have wits enough to realize your battlestation has no window, therefore this plan will necessitate a trip to your living room. Gritting your teeth, you bravely hoist yourself off of your comfortable computer chair and march courageously through the door.

Upon entering the living room you notice that the couch is placed conveniently below the window, allowing you a tricky but simple setup to do your business. However, you haven't yet thought out the specifics of how to execute this plan, and a few different options cross your mind. After a few minutes of deep consideration, you decide to...

>pee out the window first

>poop out the window first

>attempt to do both at the same time

>give up on the plan and go to the bathroom like a normie
>>
>>5191766
boff
>>
>>5191766
>shit out window piss on couch
Piss is far easier to clean, only worry is if our gaymur mc only eats bad food his piss might be acid
>>
>>5191766
>give up on the plan and go to the bathroom like a normie
>>
>>5191766
>attempt to do both at the same time

I'm curious as to how he'd pull it off
>>
>>5191766
>give up on the plan and go to the bathroom like a normie
>>
>>5191766
>poop out the window first
>>
>Pull your pants up while your ass is still hanging out the window, and go #3 in your pants. Let the smell waft for a bit while the moisture crusts up
>>
>>5191766
>>poop out the window first
>>
>>5191766
>attempt to do both at the same time
>>
>>5191766
>attempt to do both at the same time
>>
>>5191766
>give up on the plan and go to the bathroom like a normie
>>
Going to the bathroom got more votes than I expected, but the winner seems to be
>attempt to do both at the same time

Writing
>>
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Your feeble mind has really outdone itself. After deftly climbing on to the back of the couch, you have perched yourself daintily on the edge, balancing with your butt up to the window. Meanwhile, your hand is placed upon your crotch, pointing your wiener backward so that it too points out the window. This is it, the moment of truth. You clench, strain, squeeze, inhale deeply, push as hard as you can and...

Roll me 2d100, first for the pee, second for the poop.
I'll take the best of 3, higher is better.
>>
Rolled 21, 52 = 73 (2d100)

>>
Rolled 57, 67 = 124 (2d100)

>>5192480
>>
Rolled 28, 18 = 46 (2d100)

>>5192480
I do wonder what happens if we get shitty rolls. Pun intended.
>>
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PPPPBBTTTBBB5RRRRRRTTTTbbbbbbbbbllllllltrrtrtttttttt
>>
Next update will be tomorrow night at the soonest, I'll be out of town til then.
>>
>>5192553
Im on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens
>>
>>5191185
How many of these quests are fronts for terrorism?
>>
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>>5192746
All of them, anon. All of them.
>>
>>5192591
Im on the edge of my window waiting to see what happens
>>
>>5191185
Is the protagonist a jew
>>
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You forgot to open the window you fucking retard!

Oh god, what a mess. Your poop slid down the window and deposited itself all over your couch and pants. Your pee fared no better, soaking the wall, windowsill and couch as well. You wish you just peed your pants. How will you find your way out of this shitty situation?

>Don't give up! Open the window and throw as much poop out as you can.

>Try to clean up this mess.

>Go to the bathroom and clean yourself off.

>Just pull up your pants and go back to playing Elden Ring.

>Write-ins welcome
>>
Do we live with our parents?
If not we don't really need to care about this useless room, just go back to playing Elden Ring
If we do, they'll clean anyway so just go back to playing Elden Ring
>>
>>5194613
Just get a garden hose and hose it down.
>>
>>5194894
>>5194613
+1 for getting a hose
>>
>>5194613
Pee the poop off the wall
Fart the pee off the wall
>>
>>5195282
+1
>>5194613
+1'ing the (f)art
>>
>>5194613
Try to clean up this mess
>>
>>5195642
ok but with your hair as a mop
>>
Most popular option seems to be cleaning up the mess, and for the most favored method, using the garden hose. Peeing the poop off the wall isn't really an option since you just emptied your bladder.

Writing
>>
Even you realize leaving human waste in your living space poses a health hazard. In a complex ordeal that I didn't feel like drawing, you fetch your garden hose from outside and bring it indoors. In doing so you might have accidentally exposed yourself to several passersby, but that's OK, this is an emergency situation.

Meanwhile, the pee has dissolved into the poop, making the poop a bit runnier and, you hope, easier to remove. You realize this may not be a very good idea but you sure don't have any better ones.

Roll me 1d100 for success, best of 3
>>
Rolled 22 (1d100)

>>5195762
Spray a little on our ass bidet style, because we're fancy.
>>
Rolled 79 (1d100)

>>5195762
poop out the dice
from... an armpit!!!
>>
Rolled 76 (1d100)

>>5195762
>>5195687
>Peeing the poop off the wall isn't really an option since you just emptied your bladder.
Chug water from the hose so we are once again able to pee.
>>
pppsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssss
>>
Well, that could've gone worse, you suppose. You managed to spray most of the poop off the wall and window, though your floor and couch are now soaked in blackwater. It's an improvement. Wouldn't impress Martha Stewart, but if she were here you'd probably rape and poop on her you sick fuck.

All this hard work is making you thirsty, and you also recall that your butt and pants are still soiled. You're also kinda feeling like getting back to Elden Ring, when this incident began you were about to find the Triforce of Wisdom or something.

>Try to clean up the mess more thoroughly

>Use the hose as a bidet to clean your butt

>Take a refreshing drink from the hose

>Go back to playing Elden Ring already!

>Write-in
>>
>>5195951
>Take a refreshing drink from the hose
We deserved it after all this hard work
>>
>>5195951
>>Write-in
Go to 7/11 right now to stock up on gamer fuel and doritos
>>
>>5195951
>Use the hose as a bidet to clean your butt
We can absorb the water through our asshole.
>>
>>5195951
>Use the hose as a bidet to clean your butt
>>
>>5195951
>Use the hose as a bidet to clean your butt
>>
>Use the hose as a bidet to clean your butt
Writing
>>
The next most pressing matter is your shitty butt. The obvious solution right in your hand, you can use the hose as a bidet. But wait, how exactly does a bidet work? You know it involves water and butts...

Then it hits you: All you have to do is shove it up your ass! You press the mouth of the hose up against your bunghole and find it fits quite snugly. A gentle stream of water flows up your rectum. After a bit of initial shock, you find to your great surprise, it actually feels kind of good. This isn't really doing much to clean your butt, though.

>Find a better way to clean your butt

>Forget about the cleanup, just give yourself a nice big enema
>>
>>5196914
>>
>>5196914
Hmmm. I think I know which way to proceed but I am unsure if the main character is a Jew or not. Is he a Jew?
>>
>>5196914
>Forget about the cleanup, just give yourself a nice big enema
>>
>>5196990
Possibly but he's far too retarded to know for sure.
>>
This was amazing.
Its my first time viewing this board, this was the first thread, thanks.
>>
>>5197394
Please stay, we're a dying breed and desperate
>>
>>5197330
in that case, enema
>>
>Forget about the cleanup, just give yourself a nice big enema
Writing
>>
You fill your colon with what must be at least half a gallon of cold, refreshing water. When it feels like your bowels can take no more, you withdraw the hose, releasing a gushing cascade of shit-flavored water. Your cleanup attempt may be turning into a serious biohazard, but who cares? You haven't had this much fun since you installed Elden Ring!

>Have more enema fun! (write-in how)

Not gonna bother making another option because I know what you fuckers want.
>>
>>5197912
Hmmm... Observing the trajectory of the liminal barrier's outer threshold for withstanding differential outcomes... While also calculating the effects of monopolized standardization of backlogged quasi-indicated targets..... Factor in the collateral damage proponent upon the basis of which this whole investigation was founded.......

Let's roll around in the shit flavored water and hook the hose up to our penis hole!
>>
>>5197912
Why just stop at a single hose? gather up all the hoses we can find from our neighbors and shove them up our ass at full blast.

Also start filming it on our phone and send it to 'you've been framed' for a chance at £200 and upload it to our podcast YouTube channel for a chance at stardom.
>>
Rolled 2 (1d2)

Tiebreaker

1
>Let's roll around in the shit flavored water and hook the hose up to our penis hole!

2
>Why just stop at a single hose? gather up all the hoses we can find from our neighbors and shove them up our ass at full blast.
>>
Surely if you can have this much fun with a hose, you can have even more fun with more hoses. Elementary. Having already fetched your only hose, you decide to look around the neighborhood for auxiliaries.

You head out the door, pulling up your pants to be a bit more presentable, not minding how they're still caked with shit. At least you managed to rinse out your butthole a little. You make your way to the front of the neighbor's house. You're not sure if they're home. In fact you don't recall having ever met them. Surely they have a hose or two lying around, though.

>Knock on the door, introduce yourself to your neighbors and politely ask to borrow their hose.

>Sneak around to the back and look for hoses.

>Attempt to shove the mailbox up your ass.
>>
>>5199835
>Grab a nearby rock and smash it through their window, then enter the house through the broken window to open the back and front doors from the inside.
>>
>>5199892
+1
>>
Why
>>
>>5200313
Because
>>
>>5200313
fug it xddd
>>
>Grab a nearby rock and smash it through their window, then enter the house through the broken window to open the back and front doors from the inside.
Writing

Oh god
>>
>>5200787
Oops, forgot my trip.
Don't worry guys it's me
>>
>>5200787
>>5200790
Eagerly awaiting
>>
You feel a bit guilty for not having introduced yourself sooner, so to avoid making things awkward, you decide to grab a rock and break in through the window. You're pretty sure that's the polite thing to do in this situation. Unfortunately, there are no rocks to be found, so you settle for the mailbox. You grab the mailbox and heave it upward with all your might. After a few minutes of struggling with it you manage to dislodge it from the ground.

Suddenly the front door swings open and out steps a strange looking man. He seems to be a bit ill, badly jaundiced and squinting from what must be a heightened sensitivity to light. He shouts in an a language you don't understand:

"Stoo pee lound eye bai ren! Wat you do een wit mai mayo box? Put eet back rye now oh eye caw po reese!"

>Attempt to communicate with the strange man (write-in your reply)

>Calm him down by demonstrating that you're just trying to politely smash his window

>Continue on your way and look elsewhere for hoses
>>
>>5200832
>>Attempt to communicate with the strange man (write-in your reply)
Mayo on Rye? Reese's? Clearly he's offering us all the food in his pantry as well, on top of his garden hose collection. Let's enter OUR WAY, through the window, just in case the doorway is special to him or something.
>>
>>5200832
>>5200834
+1 genius move
>>
>Mayo on Rye? Reese's? Clearly he's offering us all the food in his pantry as well, on top of his garden hose collection. Let's enter OUR WAY, through the window, just in case the doorway is special to him or something.
Writing
>>
You're pretty sure you heard the jaundiced man mention a variety of foodstuffs. He must be offering you some refreshments. What a great host!

This is going well. You proceed with the plan. You stroll casually up to the wall as politeness dictates, but the strange man seems to grow more agitated. "You stay wey mai wee do! Eye won een you!" he shouts. Maybe he has doubts about your window smashing capability. Time to show him what you're made of! You lift the mailbox, take a big sledgehammer style swing and...

Roll me 1d100, best of 3
>>
Rolled 79 (1d100)

>>5202149
>>
Rolled 9 (1d100)

>>5202149
Trust us, Mr. Jaundice. Now stand back as we perform a Spinning Power Attack!!
>>
Rolled 54 (1d100)

>>5202149
>>
well that settles it
>>
With a few strong pummels, you manage to smash out most of the window. The jaundiced man runs back into house, shouting unintelligibly. What a strange fellow.

Despite the door being left wide open, you climb up the windowsill and pull yourself through, receiving only minor abrasions from the broken glass. You can't see the back door from where you're standing, just an ordinary living room and a staircase to your left, both of which I was too lazy to draw. You can hear some scuffling and muffled shouting come from upstairs.

>Look for the back door

>Go upstairs and investigate the noise

>Wait patiently for your host to return with the refreshments he promised

>Go home and play more Elden Ring
>>
>>5204184
Yes this is me by the way
>>
>>5204184
>Go upstairs and investigate the noise
Clearly the man expects us to follow him towards his food and hose.
>>
>>5204184
>Go upstairs and investigate the noise
Lets see if our host needs any help with preparing our food. Its only manners Afterall.
>>
>>5204235
>>5204255
+1
>>
>Go upstairs and investigate the noise
Writing

Fair warning, there is no plot armor in this quest. If you don't at least try not to get killed you may bring the quest to a sudden end.
>>
Certainly the man wants you to follow him up the stairs, perhaps to help prepare the refreshments. You make your way up the flight of stairs.

At the top of the stairs you see what appears to be a bedroom. In front of you stands the strange man, striking an odd pose. Behind him is a woman, rather similar looking to the man, also seeming to be afflicted with the jaundice-causing illness. She looks ornery, brandishing a fearsome backsword. "You cum no crow sa! Me brack belt in kung fu!" shouts the man. What a strange way to greet a guest! Perhaps the yellowing disease is making them delirious as well. Could it be yellow fever?

>Ask if they'd like help preparing the refreshments, or perhaps some Tylenol

>Run away screaming like a bitch
>>
>>5205516
"You cum no crow sa! Me brack belt in kung fu!"
Ah I see what he wants now. He's CLEARLY asking us if we want to marry his daughter and impregnate her with our superior white genes. The polite thing to do in this situation is to obviously try to establish dominance and interest in his offer by jacking off while making monkey noises and making direct eye contact with him to establish our place in the hierarchy.
>Take off pants and jerk off Infront of them while making angry violent monkey screeches and looking the man directly in the eyes.
>>
>>5205530
+1

loving the file names qm
>>
>>5205516
>>Take off pants and jerk off Infront of them while making angry violent monkey screeches and looking the man directly in the eyes.
>>
>Take off pants and jerk off Infront of them while making angry violent monkey screeches and looking the man directly in the eyes.
Writing
>>
I have no idea what's going on in your head at this point, I just know you're ineffably retarded.

You drop your shitstained pants and your hand goes to your dick as you vocalize your best impression of an angry chimpanzee. The strange man, clearly unimpressed with your whatever you're trying to do, steps forward and aims a skillful karate kick at your face.

Roll 1d100 to defend yourself. You fags only get 1 shot this time.
>>
Rolled 6 (1d100)

>>5207681
Don't let me down now dice.
>>
>>5207687
Fuck me.
>>
>>5207687
RIP
>>
>>5207681
>>5207687
We got our fucking skull smashed and fell down the stairs breaking the rest of our bones. RIP eldenring guy. Was a good quest see yall next time.
>>
Rolled 14 (1d100)

>>5207681
Lets see what I could have gotten.
>>
>>5207994
Don't worry, I wouldn't have killed you instantly unless you rolled a 1. Expect an update tomorrow at the soonest though cause I've got a lot of drawing to do.
>>
>>5207994
Thought this nigger was QM because I didn't look at it ID
>>
>>5208672
Phew, I thought the quest ended right then and there. Glad I was wrong.
>>
All you see is a foot flying into your face, and then nothing.

The next thing you notice is a faint beeping sound coming from your left. Some amount of time has passed, you have no idea how long. You slowly open your eyes and find yourself in an unfamiliar room. A door opens, and in walks an elderly man in a lab coat. "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty!" he exclaims cheerfully. "How are you feeling? Alright?"

He pauses before continuing. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Dr. John Tierney, and I'm a neurologist. That means I work on people's brains, in case you didn't know. You probably don't remember much since your... accident, so let me fill you in. You're in the hospital right now. You've been in a coma for a little over 6 weeks. The bad news is, in the accident you got a severe concussion, four broken ribs, a dislocated jaw and a badly bruised tailbone. The good news is your bones have mostly healed, and I expect the concussion to have a negligible effect on your cognitive abilities since you didn't have much to begin with. Do you have any questions for me?"

>Write-in
>>
>>5210458
>Write-in
>Doctor, my dick, did it survive?
>How did I get here? Did my neighbor call an ambulance after he accidently kicked me?
>While I'm here, mind giving me an enema?
>>
>Doctor, my dick, did it survive?
>>
>Feed me. NOW!!!
>>
>Doctor, my dick, did it survive?
"I haven't looked but there's nothing in the record about injuries to your genital area."

>How did I get here? Did my neighbor call an ambulance after he accidently kicked me?
"Your neighbors called the police, then the police called an ambulance and escorted you here. I'm afraid they said when you leave you might be facing criminal charges, though I don't know for what exactly."

>While I'm here, mind giving me an enema?
Dr. Tierney chuckles. "I'm afraid that's not my field of practice. You should ask the proctologist, that's the butt doctor. I don't expect him to give you one unless there's some obstruction in your bowels, though."

>Feed me. NOW!!!
"I can imagine you're hungry after eating nothing but smoothies through a tube for over a month, but we'll have to ask your physical therapist if you're ready to go back on solid foods. You may not be able to swallow properly right away since your throat muscles might've atrophied. At any rate, dinner is in about 2 hours. I'm sure you can make it til then, champ."

Dr. Tierney excuses himself, leaving you alone.

>Wait patiently for dinner

>Try to get up

>Call out for the attention of anyone who might be nearby
>>
>>5211722
>>
>>5211722
>see if there are any hot nurses
>>
>>5211722
>>Call out for the attention of anyone who might be nearby
AKA scream for hot nurses to give you sponge bath
>>
>>5211722
>Call out for the attention of anyone who might be nearby
Scream to see if there's any hot milf nurses with huge boobies around here.
>>
After a few minutes of screaming you attract the attention of a rather average-looking nurse. "Is there something wrong?" she asks. You politely request a sponge bath, to which she replies, "I'm afraid it's not quite time for your sponge bath yet, but judging by the smell in here I think you could use a diaper change", to which you reply...

>Yes please, now that you mention it I am feeling kinda junky in my trunky

>No thank you, I rather enjoy having this crappy diaper on
>>
>>5213948
>Yes please, now that you mention it I am feeling kinda junky in my trunky
>>
>>5213948
>Yes please, now that you mention it I am feeling kinda junky in my trunky
Please dont let our dick be gone, please dont let our dick be gone
>>
>>5213948
>Yes please, now that you mention it I am feeling kinda junky in my trunky
mid looking nurse, disappointing. Maybe we can shart on her when she removes the diaper.
>>
>Yes please, now that you mention it I am feeling kinda junky in my trunky
Writing
>>
"OK" says the nurse before pulling back your sheets. You encounter some difficulty lifting up your legs due to not having used them in over a month, but the nurse, understanding of your condition, helps you as best she can. She removes your diaper and begins gently wiping the remaining poop from your nether regions. "Is my dick still there?" you ask sheepishly. "Yes", she replies before mumbling something about her salary. Her caring motion of her hand feels nice, but after a minute the stimulation on your gooch arouses a slight urge to pee. You decide to...

>Hold your pee until she's done and release it into the fresh diaper

>Request a bedpan

>Request further inspection of your genitals to make sure they still work

>Pee in her face
>>
>>5214984
>Pee in her face
>>
>>5214984
>Pee in her face
let loose the juice!
>>
>Pee in her face
Writing
>>
As the nurse finishes cleaning your bumbum, the urge to pee becomes irresistible. Lost in the moment, you release a vigorous stream of urine, which impacts the middle of the nurse's face. Startled, she flings the diaper into the air and it lands squarely on your face. At the same moment, a tall, fit-looking man in hospital scrubs enters the room. "What the fuck?" he exclaims.

>Pull the diaper off your face and introduce yourself politely

>Ask the man to inspect your penis for a second opinion

>Tell the man that the nurse has gone insane and is throwing poop at you for no reason
>>
>>5218372
>Tell the man that the nurse has gone insane and is throwing poop at you for no reason
>>
>>5218372
>>Tell the man that the nurse has gone insane and is throwing poop at you for no reason
>>
>>5218372
>Ask the man to inspect your penis for a second opinion
>>
>Tell the man that the nurse has gone insane and is throwing poop at you for no reason
Writing
>>
"Thank goodness you're here!" You exclaim to the man. "This woman has gone insane and she's throwing poop at me for no reason!"

"That's not very nice of you, Charlotte" says the man.

"I didn't mean to!" yelps the nurse. "I was changing this asshole's diaper and he pissed in my face!"

The man rolls his eyes. "If there's a problem with the patient's urination, go tell the urologist. I don't have time for this, I have to get started on his physical therapy."

The nurse groans angrily and stomps out of the room. "Anyway, hi, I'm Jim, and I'm your physical therapist" says the man. "Let me give it to you straight: even though you're mostly recovered, you're not ready to leave just yet. Since you've been in a coma for so long you might have lost a lot of your strength and motor skills, in which case you'll need physical therapy to get you moving again. That's where I come in. I think you'll probably need a bit of help, but to determine how much we'll have to make an assessment". He gently grasps your right leg. "Let's see how well your legs work. Take your time, I'll help you".

Roll 1d100 to see if you can stand up. 1 shot, DC 87 because of muscular atrophy.
>>
Rolled 29 (1d100)

>>5220490
Crit
>>
You try your best to sit up and move your legs to the side but you manage no more than a bit of squirming. "That's alright," says Jim, "I'm sure you'll still be able to walk, you'll just have to rebuild your muscles first. I'll be here to help you with that. For now, let's see if you can at least breathe on your own." He gingerly removes your respirator mask. You try to take a breath...

Roll 1d100, DC 45
>>
Rolled 79 (1d100)

>>5220659
>>
>>5220659
Yes this is me. Captcha is still a bitch sometimes.
>>
...and fresh air fills your lungs. You sputter a bit, needed to remind yourself how to control your diaphragm, but quickly get the hang of it. "Awesome!" says Jim. "Looks like you won't be needing this anymore". He puts down the respirator mask beside the bed. "Now the next step is to build up your lower body strength". He grabs your foot and lifts your leg just enough to bend your knee. "This exercise is simple. I'm gonna push your foot, and all you push back towards me. OK?"

>Stay quiet and do as you're told

>Ask him kindly to clean the poop off your face

>Ask him why he's still looking at your junk
>>
>>5222415
>Kick him in the face
>>
>>5222415
>Ask him kindly to clean the poop off your face
>Stay quiet and do as you're told
Let's not antagonize literally everyone on our path. Wait until we find some asshole to troll with our shenanigans
>>
>>5222480
To clarify, first ask if he can clean the poop off our face, then do as he tells you regardless of his answer
>>
>>5222415
>You sputter a bit, needing to remind yourself
*needing

>and all you push back towards me
*all you have to do is

I've gotta stop writing while high.
>>
>>5222415
>Ask him kindly to clean the poop off your face
>Kick him in the face
>>
>Ask him kindly to clean the poop off your face
and
>Kick him in the face
Each have a majority in their own right so I'll go with both

Writing
>>
"Before we do that, would you mind wiping the poop off my face?" you ask gingerly.
"Hell no" says Jim, "I don't get paid to clean up poop".
In frustration you attempt to kick him in the face, but he doesn't even notice. Not surprising since you couldn't stand up a second ago. You finish the exercise and Jim says, "Since dinner is coming up soon it's a fine time to see if you still need the feeding tube". He produces a cup and a water bottle out of hammerspace, pours a jigger of water into the cup and holds it up to your mouth. "Here, drink this".

Roll 1d100, DC 50
>>
>>5223429
>>
Rolled 14 (1d100)

>>5223429
Swallow everything
>>
Rolled 68 (1d100)

>>5223429
dronk
>>
You bravely attempt to gulp down the water, but your throat muscles fail to react properly and it goes right down your windpipe. You cough and gag for a minute before Jim says, "Looks like you're not quite ready to get the tube out just yet, I'm afraid. Oh well, baby steps and all that. I'll be back tomorrow morning for some more therapy. Do your best and you'll be out of here in no time".

Jim leaves and you lie alone for an hour or so. Finally the nurse, how you recognize from earlier, enters the room carrying a large syringe. Behind her follows another man in a lab coat. Without making eye contact, the nurse pulls up your blanket and gown, attaches the syringe to a tube connected to your abdomen and begins slowly injecting an odd liquid into it.

"Hi, I don't think we've met" says the man. "My name's Lawrence Goldwater, and I'm a urologist. I understand you've been having some difficulty going to the bathroom. As soon as we're done feeding you I'm going to do an inspection and see if I can figure out what's wrong".

>Demand a fresh diaper or at least the shit cleaned off your face

>Protest that you can pee just fine and offer to demonstrate for him

>Just sit back, relax and try to enjoy the penis inspection
>>
>>5225948
>protest that you can pee just fine and offer to demonstrate for him
>>
>>5225948
>Demand a fresh diaper or at least the shit cleaned off your face

>Protest that you can pee just fine and offer to demonstrate for him
>>
>>5225948
>>Just sit back, relax and try to enjoy the penis inspection
Just like old times during gym class
>>
>Protest that you can pee just fine and offer to demonstrate for him
Writing
>>
"But I can pee just fine!" you exclaim. "Here, I'll show you!"
"Alright then, let's put that to the test". He produces a plastic jug, holds it under your pisser and commands you to urinate. Little does he know at this point you're already straining your empty bladder to no avail. After a minute he says, "If you're unable to urinate on command you may have some blockage in your urinary tract, possibly a bladder stone. I'll schedule an ultrasound for you first thing tomorrow morning. Until then, try to get some rest, that's the best advice I can give". He leaves, and the nurse, after finishing your feeding, hurriedly slips a new diaper onto you and dashes out after him, still paying no attention to the diaper on the floor.

Left alone, you soon fall asleep from lack of stimulation. You awaken to find two more average-looking nurses (sorry to disappoint you but nurses usually aren't that hot) pulling back your sheets, stripping you naked and removing your diaper. "Good morning!" says one of them. "Did you sleep well? You look like you could use a nice sponge bath!" I don't have to explain what thoughts appear in your head.

>Try to get a boner

>Try to resist getting a boner
>>
>>5229099
>Try to resist getting a boner
We can do better than getting a boner over mid women.
>>
>>5229329
>>Try to resist getting a boner
No peepee
>>
>>5229099
>>Try to get a boner
I'm... I'm gonna get a BOOOOOOON
>>
>Try to resist getting a boner
Writing
>>
The nurses get to work without hesitation, scrubbing you head to toe with a nice warm sponge. It feels remarkably good, and although the feeling of two caring women gently rubbing your naked body awakens some indecent thoughts, you decide to focus your attention away from your genitals and to avoid distracting them. They're not that hot anyway.

Just as the nurses finally begin to wash the poop from your face, in walks Dr. Goldwater, carrying a few articles of equipment, which he sets down beside you. "Good morning" he says. "You seem well rested. Good. Now let's get right to business." He turns to the nurses and tells them not to mind him and to just continue their work. "Like I said yesterday, the first thing to do is an ultrasound of your bladder. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt". He pours a squirt of clear gel from a white tube onto your abdomen and begins rubbing it with what appears to be a vibrator. He points to an old-fashioned tv monitor behind him. "See that white mass on the screen? That's your bladder. I don't see any abnormalities off the bat, so I'm gonna do a test. I'm gonna insert a tube into your urethra and this machine is gonna pump a sort of dye right into your bladder. It's gonna fill it right up until it's full, and then all you have to do is pee it out so I can observe your bladder in action. Yes this is a real thing, I've had it done to me before.

He dabs your bellend with a bit of rubbing alcohol and slowly pushes a long tube unlubricated plastic tube down into your weewee. It hurts exactly as much as any non-retard would expect it to. The nurses notice you grimacing in pain but continue washing your face. It's a bit calming and stops you from completely losing it. "Let me know when you feel like you have to pee" says Dr. Goldwater. After a minute you feel the unmistakable feeling in your bladder and speak up. Dr. Goldwater turns the machine off, holds a plastic jug under your pisstube and says "Alright, fire when ready."

Roll 1d100 for a successful piss
>>
>>5231170
>>
Rolled 1 (1d100)

>>5231172
>>
>>5231202
Supporting, no roll for me, thank you.
>>
>>5231202
Holy shit lmao.
>>
>>5231202
KEK, no roll here either
>>
PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
>>
I guess it's fair to say you've really done it this time.

Releasing the pressure on your pelvic floor causes your earlier efforts at not getting a boner to backfire. At the same moment your urine releases your penis shoots up skyward, spraying a deluge of piss all over everything but the piss jug. The walls and floor are soaked and you also managed to give Dr. Goldwater and the nurses an inadvertent golden shower. What's more, you've shorted out all the electronic equipment, including the heart rate monitor. The monetary value of the damage you've just done is certainly somewhere in the thousands. What do you have to say for yourself?

>"Uhhh... s-s-sorry...."

>"That was fun! Can you check my prostate too?"

>"I'm hungry, when's breakfast?"

>"Behold mortals, I am the piss lord of the nth dimension! Bow to me or be annihilated with pee pee!"
>>
>>5234185
>>"That was fun! Can you check my prostate too?"
>>
>>5234185
>>"I'm hungry, when's breakfast?"
>>
>>5234185
>"Behold mortals, I am the piss lord of the nth dimension! Bow to me or be annihilated with pee pee!"
This is the greatest quest on /qst/ and nobody can convince me otherwise.
>>
>>5234185
>"Behold mortals, I am the piss lord of the nth dimension! Bow to me or be annihilated with pee pee!"
God, I am really glad I joined this quest.
>>
>>5234424
I was iffy at first. The part that got me permanently hooked was when MC walked into the Chinese house and the sign said “Dogs are very delicious”
>>
>"Behold mortals, I am the piss lord of the nth dimension! Bow to me or be annihilated with pee pee!"
Writing

>>5234429
Nice catch, didn't think anyone would get that.
>>
The nurses, having finished your sponge bath shortly before being doused in urine, glance at each other for a moment and then hurry out the door without saying a word, still leaving the filthy diaper on the floor. "Very funny" Dr. Goldwater groans. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Behold mortals, I am the piss lord of the nth dimension! Bow to me or be annihilated with pee pee!"

Dr. Goldwater kneels, his expression turning solemn. "Forgive me milord, I was so astonished by your demonstration I failed to realize what it meant. As you know, it is every urologist's lifelong dream to meet you in person. How may I be of service?"

>Write-in
>>
>>
>>5236221
>Take me home with you tonight. Sneak me out in your car. And give the ol' tip a flick while you're here.
>>
>>5236227
+1
>>
>>5236227
+1
>>
this quest gets more votes than mine
>>
>>5236629
Make a better quest then.
>>5236227
+1
>>
>>5236629
Be more interesting
>>
>Take me home with you tonight. Sneak me out in your car. And give the ol' tip a flick while you're here.
Writing
>>
"Take me home with you tonight. Sneak me out in your car. And give the ol' tip a flick while you're here."

"As you wish, milord" says Dr. Goldwater. "Getting you out of here won't be easy, but I will find a way". He gently flicks the last remaining drop of piss from the tip of your manliness, bows and exits the room.

A short while later Jim enters. "Good morning buddy, hope you're ready for- what the fuck?" He stands awestruck for a moment by the scene in front of him- you still completely nude, your crappy diaper from yesterday still on the floor, and everything covered in yellow pee. "No offense, but your case just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I'm not a urologist so it's not my business why there's piss everywhere, but I sure hope there's a good reason for it. Anyway, I've got a job to do and I'm still gonna do it. First let's see if you've shown any improvement since yesterday. Try and stand up, I'll help you".

Roll 1d100, 1 shot, DC 86
>>
Rolled 63 (1d100)

ez
>>
pz
>>
Rolled 54 (1d100)

>>5238768
oops
>>
Rolled 36 (1d100)

>>5238735
>>
>>5234194
>>5234195
>>5234205
>>5234424
Did a post get deleted by janny?
>>
>>5240087
Fr*ggin' H*TE Jannies ughhhhhh. Aw shit that just made me think that it's possible OP got banned.

Rest in power, soldier
>>
>>5240094
EL OH EL
LIKE OH MG
>>
Everyone salute ThePeePeePooPooMan

F
>>
F
>>
I'm going to piss in an alleyway today in his honor
>>
Also why is this thread on autosage? it's not bumping anymore
>>
>>5240109
Idk, I think all threads on /qst/ autosage after like a week. Those in the know navigate the board through "Last reply" rather than bump order.
>>
F for the one of the best quests ever created by mankind. May he rest in piss as the lord intended
>>
>>5240087
Yes, there's one shoah'd post I know of off the top of my head. >>5192480
You can still see it on archived.moe though https://archived.moe/qst/thread/5191185

>>5240094
No, just been extra busy with IRL stuff the past few days. I guess it's near time to make a new thread though.

>>5240109
Read the sticky newfriend

>>5240472
Thank you
>>
>>5242485
HE LIVES!
>>
>>5240106
un-F
>>
New thread
>>5242681

Here's a bit of bonus content for all you loyal players who have helped make this quest what it is: MC's bathroom, which I drew before the start of the quest but never ended up using. The lack of toilet paper could've been a major plot device.
>>
>>5242687
>prostate massage device